Born of Silence (The League Gen 1 #4)(26)
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon

He gave her a lopsided grin. “Gera’s having your clothes sent up, and she assured me that you would have things appropriate for public wear. You’re free to come and go as you please. Your apartment’s just as you left it. I’ve been paying the bills for it, and they’re all up to date. But I did have the door rekeyed for you as a safety precaution since I didn’t know who might have access to it. I left the new keys and a link for you on the table by your bed. The link’s yours to keep. I went ahead and programmed my number so that you can call if you get locked in here again, and I set Sorche’s as your first contact and Ture’s as your second.”

She didn’t miss the fact that he hadn’t set himself in as a contact. Was that a presumption that she didn’t want him there or did he not want to be listed?

“Lastly, there’s a transport in the hangar for you to use as you wish. It’s in your name, so don’t be afraid that someone will report it stolen if you take it. Or you can use a public transport. Your cards are with the keys and link if you need money.”

Unsure of his mood and the source of his sudden charity toward her, she stepped out of the shower and turned the water off. She reached for a towel, then wrapped it around her body. She moved to stand in front of him.

Zarya bit her lip in uncertainty. “Are we good?”

Darling ran the back of his hand along her jaw. There was a haunted shadow in his gaze that concerned her. “You want the truth?”

No. Not if it was bad.

But she wasn’t a coward either. “Always.”

His brows furrowed as that angry insanity flashed across his features. And as quickly as it flared, it settled down into a pained expression that showed how much anguish he still carried inside him. “You are my heaven… And you will always be my eternal hell.”

Those words stabbed her straight through the heart. “Darling—”

He put his finger over her lips to silence her. “When it’s just the two of us and we’re alone, I can forget what happened, and I’m better. Then just as I think I’m all right, it all comes barreling back and kicks me in the crotch again. I can hear you laughing out in the hallway when I needed you most. And honestly, it ravages me so deep inside that I feel like I’m going crazy from the anger and hurt. I feel so betrayed, Zarya. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, I know you didn’t know, but my feelings don’t have ears and they don’t listen to my head. No matter what I do, I can’t reason it away. It just hurts and I don’t know if it’ll ever stop.”

Those words brought tears to her eyes. God, if she could only go back and change what had happened…

Like Hauk had said… Nothing ruined a life faster than one bad decision.

Darling swallowed. “I would give everything I have, even my soul, to let it go. I would. But no matter how hard I try, Zarya, it just keeps coming. And it lights a fury so deep inside me that all I can think about is hurting you in retaliation. It’s so demanding that it scares me. And it takes everything I have to stop from lashing out at you. I can’t keep those feelings or memories from returning. But I am trying to. I am.”

Those words made her heart ache. For all of his confessed rage, he’d kept it bottled inside to the point that she’d never suspected he had any inclination except to be kind to her.

It said a lot about him that he hadn’t once said or done anything mean.

He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “What about you? Do you still hate me?”

She shook her head. “I never really hated you, Darling. I was hurt by your rejection. Bitterly. But what I went through was nothing compared to you.”

“Are you sure?” His tone was strained and searching. “I get sick every time I think about the fact that I caused you to be thrown to a slaver. And when I consider all the things that probably happened to you there…” He clenched his teeth so violently that it made the muscles in his jaw protrude. “You’ve no idea how much I hate myself for it. How much it worries me that I abandoned you when I had no right to do that. I swear to the gods that I didn’t want you harmed. I didn’t. It was a stupid, selfish thing I did and I’m so sorry.”

Her throat tightened as she heard the agony inside him. He’d had every right to strike out after what she’d done to him. Slapping him when he’d been tied up had been wrong on so many levels. “Baby, don’t take that onto your shoulders. You’ve been tortured enough. I wasn’t physically hurt at all.”

He narrowed his gaze at her. “Are you lying to me?”

She covered his hand with hers and held it tight. “No. I swear. No one touched me the entire time. I was too old for the slaver’s tastes. And he thought I was too skinny to get top credit so he didn’t want me to do anything or for anyone to bother me. He kept me isolated in a less-than-pleasant room, but I was alone there and it wasn’t so bad. Boring, but not bad. It’s why I was still there when Maris came to find me. The slaver was trying to fatten me before the auction.”

Darling saw the truth in her eyes. Relief poured through him. He’d mentally flogged himself with the fear of someone raping her because of his thoughtless words to Jayne. When he’d said them, he had no idea that Jayne would give her over to a slaver. At worst he’d thought jail. At best, he’d assumed Jayne would let her go. Never had the concept of slavery for Zarya entered his mind.

And even though Zarya hadn’t shown any signs of having been violated, he knew from experience that the aftereffects and emotions didn’t always manifest the same way. Sometimes there was shame that made you lock yourself away from the world. Other times it was anger that caused you to lash out at everyone. And sometimes it was a mixture of both, or nothing more than a cold emptiness that left the soul sick and numb for weeks on end.

Grateful that the gods hadn’t punished her for his stupidity, he pressed his forehead against hers and cupped her face in his hands. “I’m so sorry I did that to you, Zarya. It was wrong and I had no right to treat anyone like that, least of all you. I was such a stupid dick for it. I was just—”

This time, she covered his lips with her fingers to keep him from speaking. “I know, sweetie. I do.”

But she didn’t know how much he hated himself for what he’d done. Not really. Out of nothing more than sheer selfishness, he’d put her in harm’s way. Twice.

How could I have done that?

To her.

He, who knew exactly what it felt like to have someone shove him aside while they wallowed in their own grief and pain, had done that to the one person in his life he’d sworn to love and protect.

I am my mother.

Even worse, he felt like his uncle. And that was what stung the deepest.

How could she forgive him when he couldn’t forgive himself?

“No, Z, you don’t know. There’s so much darkness inside me that sometimes I feel like it’s going to swallow me whole. It makes me want to lash out, and explode all over everyone around me.”

“But you don’t.”

“I have. And worse, I did it with you. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself had you been hurt. I swear to you I will never, ever do something like that again no matter how mad I get.”

She hugged him close and he savored his body against hers. “Had I been physically assaulted, I probably wouldn’t be so forgiving.” She nuzzled his neck. “It was extremely humiliating to be told how worthless and undesirable I am. I’m not going to downplay it. But I’ve had worse.”

“Yeah, well, he was a f**king idiot. I think you’re more beautiful than any woman I’ve ever seen.”

Zarya trembled as he took her hand into his and led it to his c*ck that was already hard again. It was so erotic to have him hold her palm against his erection while he stared down at her with a hunger that was hot and tangible. “Believe me, no one has ever done this to me like you do. Every time I look at you, hear your voice, or smell your scent, I want to be inside you so badly it hurts.”

And he had definitely proven that. A lot over the last few days. It was a wonder the man could walk.

Her either.

She smiled up at him. “Thank you.” Then she pulled his lips down to hers so that she could kiss him.

He growled low in his throat as he hardened even more underneath her hand. As he deepened their kiss and went to remove her towel, she stopped him.

“You haven’t eaten.”

“I—”

She covered his lips before he could contradict her. “You need something more to nibble on than me.”

“Fine,” he groused with an uncharacteristic pout. “I need to get some real work done anyway. I’m not sure how the gerents are going to deal with that e-mail I sent out last night.”

“You’re going to eat first, right?”

“Yes, my lady.”

She smiled. “By the way, did you really fine and fire the cook?”

He actually turned sheepish over her question. “Well, yeah. I wasn’t going to let her near my food out of my eyesight after I fined her. What kind of stupid would that be?”

She laughed. “You know what I mean.”

“I do, and yes.” He sobered. “She had no right to treat you like that. I won’t have that kind of abuse in my home. If you tell me who stole your clothes, I’ll—”

“It’s all right,” she said, interrupting him. “I don’t care about something so trivial.”

“I do. Stealing from others isn’t trivial to me.”

He was right, but given everything else, she just wanted to forget it’d happened.

“Go and eat, my lord. The sooner you take care of your business, the sooner you can come back up here and take care of me.”

His eyes darkened playfully before he picked her hand up and kissed it. “Very well, my lady. I shall obey. But only because I need to make sure I still have an empire.”

“You have been a little neglectful,” she teased. Then she paused as another thought occurred to her. “Out of curiosity, who runs things when you’re gone? Maris?”

“No, since he’s an offworlder, Mari can’t. My brother, Ryn, is actually the pro tem in my absence.”

The half brother he’d once been close to…

That made the hair at the nape of her neck rise. “You trust him not to backstab you for your throne?”

“I do. He wants nothing to do with the throne, or the empire for that matter. So he officiates when he has to, and then steps down happily when I return.”

That was a lot of trust for someone he’d grown distant with. “Are you sure he has no designs on replacing you?”

“I have the scar to prove it.” She didn’t miss the underlying bitterness in those words.

And that concerned her most of all. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” He offered her a smile that didn’t reach his shadowed eyes. “I should go. If I don’t, we’ll be on the floor, or the counter, or—”

She playfully pushed him away from her and laughed. “Go.”

He kissed her again, then left.

Pulling on a robe, she went to her room, hoping to find some decent clothing.

She paused as she saw Maris putting her new clothes away in the tall armoire beside her bed. “Were you here when Darling was?”

He shook his head “I left the minute he came in, and didn’t return until after he was on the stairs. Voyeurism is not my sin.”

She loved the way he phrased things. “Thank you, Mari. For everything.”

He inclined his head to her. “Gera wanted me to tell you that she rescheduled your first lesson for four.”

She cringed at the mere thought. “Great.”

“If it makes you feel better, I told her I didn’t think you needed any help. Obviously from what we’ve been hearing, we all know you’re quite capable of pleasing his lordship.”

“Are you going to keep torturing me with that?”

“Probably.” He handed her a sedate dark green dress. “This will be lovely with your coloring.”

Taking it from him, she ignored his comment as she returned to their previous conversation. “Darling said that he’d told Gera I didn’t have to be prepped anymore.”

“He did tell her that. She didn’t listen. She said that this was one lesson you really didn’t want to miss.”

Zarya quirked her brow at that. “I think I’m afraid.”

“I definitely would be,” he whispered. “But it could be good… Maybe. And if it is as good as she says, you’ll have to share with me later.”

“You’re terrible.” She went back to the bathroom to put her dress on.

As soon as she finished, she rejoined him in the bedroom where he waited patiently. “Maris? Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, just as long as you understand I’m not obligated to answer.”

She also loved Maris’s disclaimers. He almost always had one for every occasion. “Darling said that he trusts Ryn to run things for him and that he knew his brother didn’t want the throne. He said he had the scar to prove it. But he wouldn’t elaborate. What was he talking about?”

The humor drained from his face. “Are you sure you want me to answer that? It’s not very pleasant.”

It seemed nothing about Darling’s past was. “Yes, please.”

Maris paused as if he was considering something. After a few seconds, he narrowed his eyes on her. “Come with me.”

She followed him out of the room and down a long, winding hallway. Ornate and gilded, it was breathtaking. For all the brutality members of the Cruel family had committed, the palace itself showed nothing but beauty. They passed countless portraits of Darling’s numerous ancestors who had ruled before him.

“Where are we going?”

Maris slowed. “The family wing.” He opened a set of heavy doors that led to another ornate, marbled hallway that stretched out for what seemed to be a mile at least. Each side of it was lined with doors. “This is where the governor’s wife and children stay whenever they’re in residence.”

So this was where Darling’s room had been before he killed his uncle.

As if he heard her thoughts, Maris led her down to the next to the last set of doors on the left side of the hall. She wasn’t sure what to expect as he opened the room and stood back for her to enter first.

Large and airy, it was definitely a boy’s room. Decorated in maroon, dark blue and gold—the national Caronese colors—the room held a large canopy bed with a seal on the headboard that matched the seal in Darling’s current chambers. There was an old computer on a huge desk that was littered with chemistry sets and spaceships.

The wall on her right was covered with intricate drawings and sketches pinned over each other. “Are those… chemical compounds and bombs?”

Maris laughed. “Darling was always a little strange. But yes, they are components to different devices and explosives he was working on.”

But as she looked around more, she was nonplussed by what she saw. The room was like a time capsule. Covered in dust and obvious signs of neglect, it appeared as if Darling had been ripped out of it as a boy and never allowed to return. There were even toys left scattered across the floor.

It didn’t make sense. “This was his room before Arturo died?”

Grief and sadness lined Maris’s features before he spoke. “We were at school, laughing during study hall about something innocuous. Suddenly, there was a shadow falling over us. Thinking it was a teacher there to yell at us to lower our voices, we looked up to see three Caronese guards. Without any compassion or decency, their captain glared at Darling and said coldly, ‘Your father’s been assassinated. You must come with us.’ ”

Bile rose in her throat at the cruelty. How could anyone be that cold to a child when telling him his father was dead? “Are you serious?”

He nodded. “I’ll never forget the look on his face when he heard those words. They didn’t give him even a second to recover or pack so much as a toothbrush before he was hauled back here. He was only twelve. A scared little boy who had no idea what had happened. When he tried to see his mother, she refused.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Grief does strange things to people, and everyone copes differently. I won’t pass judgment on her for it. But it devastated Darling. After the funeral, we came back here to his room. His mother wouldn’t even look at him. She retired to her chambers with Drake and Lise, and Darling wasn’t allowed near them.”

He jerked his chin toward the desk. “Darling sat there looking shell-shocked for hours. He didn’t speak. He didn’t cry. Just stared at nothing, except the floor, while I sat on the bed, waiting for him to say something. Ryn was the one who finally came to check on him. He told Darling that he couldn’t stay, but that if he needed anything at all to call him.”

Zarya tried to make sense of that. “Ryn abandoned him, too?”

“In his defense, there wasn’t much Ryn could do. Both Arturo and Natale hated him. Natale had driven him out not long before Drux died. And at the funeral, Arturo made it abundantly clear that Ryn would never be welcomed here in any capacity. But Ryn tried to keep in touch with Darling. Three days after the funeral, Drake and Lise were allowed to return to school. Arturo withdrew Darling and kept him here.”

“Why?”

“The Grand Counsel isn’t a blood position. It’s anyone the governor appoints. As the future governor, Darling could have chosen another.”

She’d never heard that before, and it didn’t make sense that Darling would live under his uncle’s vicious rule if he didn’t have to. “Why didn’t Darling choose someone else?”

“It’s not quite as simple as it sounds. First, the replacement has to agree to it and show cause as to why he would be a better counselor than the one picked by the former governor. And Darling had to be sixteen to make the declaration.”

“Was that the only way?”

Maris nodded. “It was why Arturo wanted to keep Darling close by so that he could watch him. And I’m sure it’s why he didn’t tolerate Ryn’s presence here. He knew how close Darling and Ryn were.” He motioned her to follow him again. He went down the hallway, back toward the main part of the palace.