Collision Course(40)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I felt Sammy standing and opened my eyes to watch her lean form grab the other chair and swing it around to me. She sat right beside me and grabbed my hand, much like Sawyer would have. "I’m sorry, Lucas…not tonight."

I squeezed her hand as my eyes watered even more. "Please?" I wasn’t sure who I was begging – Sammy, Lillian, my dream world…or myself.

Sammy was the one that answered though. "She won’t appear to you tonight, Luc. As hard as you try, it won’t happen." She lifted just one corner of her full lips. "It’s me or nothing."

I sighed and slumped against my chair before leaning my head over to Sammy’s shoulder. I’d take her over nothing any day. She leaned her head against mine and murmured into my hair, "Are you disappointed that it’s just me?"

I raised my head to look at her. "No, no of course not, Sammy." I swallowed and looked down. "I just…Lil and I’s last moment didn’t end well, and I wanted to talk to her about it."

She sighed and clenched my hand. "I know. Your last few moments alone with her have been kind of…intense."

I shrugged and looked away. There was nothing I could hide from my friends. Not here. "Right, I suppose you’ve been getting into my dreams just like Darren? I suppose asking you not to, would be just as ridiculous as asking him not to." I shrugged again and looked back at her, feeling my cheeks heat.

She laughed a little and shook her head. "I would give you the privacy if I could, Luc, but you know I don’t really have a choice." Her finger came up to tap my head and I got the reference. All of this was in my head; they all knew what I knew. I gave her a wry smile and shook my head. Lil would know about me telling Sammy that I loved her just now. Of course, it wasn’t a big secret. We both knew we loved each other; we just couldn’t seem to say it.

She rested her chin on my shoulder as I thought about that. "Darren does have a point, you know, about you pulling us to you." I looked at her from the corner of my eye, wanting to object again, but holding my tongue. She sighed and raised her chin from my shoulder. "We love you, Luc, but you can’t have a life like this, always living in your head with us." Her knuckle came up to stroke my cheek. "What future is there for you like that?"

I gave her a tired smile and shook my head. "That’s what you guys don’t seem to grasp. I don’t care. I don’t care about that life. I want you guys. I want my friends. I want to keep coming here, and seeing you and Darren…and Lil."

"You can’t keep having…intense moments with her, Luc." Her golden eyes narrowed at me, a shaft of light hitting them, and making them seem to glow with the life I so readily remembered from her. "You’re hurting her and making her feel really guilty." She shrugged while I frowned. "She feels really bad about the moments she’s already let happen."

My mouth dropped at that. I’d never imagined making my girlfriend feel bad, by touching her. "She’s feel bad…why?"

She sighed and shook her head, like she was speaking in a foreign language to someone who couldn’t understand. And in a way, I didn’t. What was wrong with me having an active fantasy life with my friends? I wasn’t hurting anyone. No one even knew how often I hung out with them. The real world held no intrigue for me anyway, everything I wanted was right here. Well, besides Sawyer, I guess. She was the only thing worth getting out of bed for.

"Because she wants you to move forward. She sees how you isolate yourself and shut down, barely talking to anyone, not saying nearly enough to your counselor." She raised her eyebrows and looked at me pointedly. "If it weren’t for Sawyer, I think you’d be mute."

I shrugged and looked out over the shadows and light playing across the field. I briefly wondered if I should make it rain anyway. It would match my mood if Sammy and I were drenched. "I have nothing to say," I said flatly.

She sighed heavily and I looked back at her. Her brow was creased with definite irritation. It was an odd look to see on Sammy, she was rarely ever angry. "You’re not the same person, Lucas."

My own irritation spiked. "Of course I’m not. I killed all of my friends – do you have any idea what that did to me?"

Her face immediately softened, her hand coming back to my cheek. "Yes…I do."

As her thumb stroked my face, I whispered, "Can I please see Lil now."

She sighed softly and shook her head, slight tears stinging her eyes. "I’m sorry, Luc…not tonight."

I woke up after that, wishing I could go back into the dream and twist it the way I wanted to, twist my friends the way I wanted to. But then it would be completely false. If I made my friends do and say what I wanted them to, well, then they really would be gone. I closed my eyes, wondering if I was completely insane.

It was early enough that I felt I could get up and start getting ready for Monday morning back at school. I showered, shaved and dressed in a long-sleeve tee and baggy jeans. I was styling my hair in the mirror when the photo tucked in the edge caught my attention. I pulled it out and looked over the happy image of the four of us. Things had been so different then. Darren and Sammy had been trying to convince Lil and me to road trip to LA over the summer. We probably would have. We probably would have all piled into Darren’s car and made a memory that would have stayed with me ’til my death bed. I suppose that summer did leave a lasting impression on me, just not quite in the way I’d expected.

"Luc?"

I turned to look at my open doorway and saw my mom leaning against it, watching me. I gave her a halfhearted smile before gazing at the picture one last time and then tucking it back in the mirror. Still staring at my tired looking reflection, I heard her tell me that she’d made some coffee. I nodded at her reflection, noting her own tired eyes.

I walked over to her and slung my arm around her shoulder, walking together to the kitchen to start our morning ritual. She smiled up at me and patted my chest. When it was ready, we drank our coffees in silence, me staring out the window, turning over the dream with Sammy, while Mom quietly worked on a crossword puzzle.

A horn honking startled me from my thoughts and I glanced over at my mom. She was studying her watch and I could almost see her mentally tracking the minutes. I looked over at the clock, but neither one of us were late for our days.

"You okay, Mom?" I asked, as I stood to get my backpack.

With the impatient look of someone waiting for something, she smiled and said, "Of course, everything is fine, honey." She stood and kissed my cheek. "Have a good day, Luc."

I nodded and wished her the same. With one last hug before I slipped on my jacket, I wished my mom well and made my way out to Sawyer. I must have had a strange look on my face in the car, for she shot concerned glances at me the entire drive to school. Once in the lot, she finally twisted to face me as she shut the car off. "You okay, Luc…I mean, really okay? You seem…quiet." She cocked her head to the side, her silky hair shifting to flow over the shoulder of my letterman’s jacket.

I blinked, making myself let go of the night I’d had, and threw on my best ‘I’m fine’ face. Her brows pulled together and I thought maybe I wasn’t pulling it off very well. I shook my head. "I’m…" I started to say ‘I’m fine’, but looking at her concerned face, I ended up saying, "Just a weird dream, that’s all." I shrugged. "I’m just trying to process it."

Her face softened. "Oh. Do you want to talk about it?" She placed her hand over mine and rubbed her thumb across the back.

I smiled at her warmth, but shook my head. She wouldn’t understand. "No…" I looked down and peeked up at her from the corner of my eye, hoping she bought my next sentence. "I don’t…remember enough of it, to talk about it."

She nodded and squeezed my hand, not asking for any further details. "Well, just keep in mind that dreams are just dreams." She smiled warmly, as she unknowingly broke my heart. "They don’t mean anything."

I felt my chest squeeze and looked away from her, opening the door. She opened hers as well and met me at the front of her car, holding her hand out for me. I took it with my head still down, willing the tears to stay in my eyes.

Dreams didn’t mean anything? But…what if dreams were all I had?

**********

Although the Thanksgiving break had been a short one, it seemed to reenergize the school. There was a last day of school feeling around the campus, from teachers and students alike. Everyone seemed ready to let studying go and kick back and have some fun during winter break. When I walked by groups of people with my head down, I could hear them making plans for the upcoming mini-vacation a few weeks away.

I had no plans. I had no desire to make plans. All I really wanted was to keep seeing Sawyer everyday and if I couldn’t do that at school, then at least I could look forward to her coming over to my house. I suppose in a way, those were my plans.

The students buzzed with holiday energy and more than a few took notice of me again in their excitement. Not that they found talking to me exciting, but their pent up energy needed some release, and tormenting me was one way to do that.

Will kept up his shoving, pushing and tripping, successfully sprawling me across the hallway one afternoon in such a nonchalant way, that it looked like I’d stumbled over nothing and decided to spread eagle on the floor for the hell of it. Yeah, the students in the hall when it happened had found that hilarious.

And of course Josh got over our intense conversation and started trying to stir things up again. He was prodded on by a few people around him, urging him to try kicking my ass. I stopped even looking at him. I couldn’t stop him from outright attacking me, but I could try and control how I responded to him. It didn’t hurt any less, listening to him verbally attack me without even registering his existence, but it kept me in sort of a numb zone, where I didn’t cry or yell or try and hit him. That was an improvement in my books, so I embraced the numbness.

Brittany continued tormenting me too, and, in her own twisted way, Sawyer as well. When I met up with Sawyer after art class, she’d toss derogative comments my way to her friends, then smirk at me suggestively when they were busy laughing. I had no idea what she hoped to gain by both flirting and dissing me, but I wished she’d stop. I really wished she’d stop tormenting Sawyer. I’d come across her on more than one occasion with a hurt look on her face as some girls, led by Brittany, walked away giggling. I had the sneaking suspicion that my callus remark about not being her boyfriend was to blame.

The rumor mill was loving the fact that I was physically close to Sawyer, but appeared to be emotionally distant from her – as Brittany had cruelly said, ‘I was f**king her, when I didn’t even care about her.’ Like most things about me, it couldn’t have been farther from the truth and also like most things about me, it couldn’t have been more readily accepted from the students at Sheridan High.

More than a few stared at us as we walked down the hall, shaking their head at me and whispering. Now, not only was I a drunk, I was a louse too. Perfect. Just what I always wanted to be when I grew up.

I kept my head down, stayed out of conversations, and ignored the bustle and buzzing around me. Besides Sawyer, I ignored most everything and I was getting exceptionally good at it. I also hadn’t opened up any more in my counseling sessions. I was halfway through my treatment, and figured I only had to show up for the next few weeks and things would get back to normal, well, my normal anyway.