Collision Course(60)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I pushed him back as the wind was knocked from me. He made to tackle me, but he was suddenly grabbed from behind. As I panted to get my breath back, I looked over at Randy holding Josh’s arms behind his back. Will glared at Randy but made no move to separate the two of them. Josh cursed and tried to pull away from the large linebacker, but if he wasn’t a match for me physically, then he definitely wasn’t a match for Randy.

Ignoring the look from Randy that clearly said ‘get the hell out of here’, I stepped right up to Josh’s seething face. Rage drove me to my next words and I wasn’t even aware of saying them.

"Fuck you and your lies!" I glanced up at the sea of faces watching, always watching. As hatred filled me, I didn’t even see the distinctness that made them individual people. I only saw a blur of gossiping, heckling, cruel, humanoid blobs in various shapes, sizes and colors. My mind flicked back over the countless times they’d laughed at me, stared at me, tormented me…I was sick of all of them.

"Fuck all of you and your lies! You want to hear what truth sounds like?" I stepped back from Josh and gestured my hand over the quiet crowd. "Here’s some truth – I wasn’t drunk that night and I remember the whole f**king thing! It wasn’t alcohol that screwed me up, it was the stupid weather. The God damn rain ruined everything." My voice cracked and the indistinct shapes watered as my enraged eyes filled with tears. "That damn rain came out of nowhere and hit hard, like someone turned on a f**king shower. I slammed on the brakes to stop and lost control of the car. I f**ked up – completely sober and they all died because of it!" I gestured at myself with both hands while I screamed at the crowd. "And I wish every day that I’d died with them!"

Josh had stopped squirming against Randy as I’d begun my rant, and stared at me blankly, his anger seemingly sapped. Mine wasn’t yet. I stepped in his face again and Randy dropped his arms from Josh and brought those long arms around Josh, to my shoulders, warning me to stay back.

"You can’t hurt me, Josh…because I already wish I were dead."

I backed away from him as icy realization hit me. I’d said too much. I’d said way too much. I felt Sawyer’s hands on my back and her sweet voice finally reentered my head. She was begging me to leave with her. I took another step back and looked at Josh again and then the hushed crowd. "So just leave me alone," I whispered. "All of you."

I turned to head to the locker rooms, needing to run away from this mess and hide for awhile. Immediately Coach stepped out from around the corner. His arms were crossed over his school-colored polo shirt and his hard eyes took in me and then the crowd behind me. I knew I was busted. I knew he’d heard and probably seen that entire fight. My face fell as I realized I was about to be tossed out of here, for good this time.

He narrowed his eyes at me as he barred my way. "Problem here, West?"

"No, Coach, I was just leaving." I knew he wasn’t going to buy that, but what else could I say to him?

He nodded and pointed through the crowd to the gym. "Exit’s that way."

My mouth dropped open as I stared at him. There was no way he hadn’t heard me yelling, and there was no way he’d missed the crowd chanting "fight". Plus, he’d already looked over at Josh, and his cut lip was a dead giveaway. Was he really just going to let me walk?

As I stupidly stared at him, Sawyer tugging ineffectually on my arm, his eyes softened. He put a hand on my shoulder. "I’m so sorry I misjudged you, Luc," he whispered. I could only blink away tears and nod, as I finally let Sawyer pull me through the crowd that had started to disperse at the arrival of a teacher.

She pulled me past a confused looking Will and a sympathetic looking Randy. I heard Randy mutter something as I passed, but I was too dazed to register the sound and only kept staring at Sawyer’s heels in front of me, leading me to freedom from this horrid night. Before we disappeared into the gym, I heard Coach’s booming voice yell, "Not so fast, McCord. I’d like a word."

As we hit the loud music and swirling lights of the gym, I was a little startled to see the party still going strong. I felt like my entire world had just started rotating the other way. Josh’s words seared my brain, and I could hardly focus on placing one foot in front of the other as I followed Sawyer.

She stopped mid-gym and turned to me, her hands coming up to cup my cheeks. Her eyes were wide and concerned as she flicked between mine, but my head was swirling with so much residual anger and pain that I couldn’t tell her I was fine. I couldn’t tell her anything at all. Her mouth moved and I heard vague speech, but heated words echoed in my head and I couldn’t hear hers.

"Your mom is f**king the sheriff! He covered for you…for his whore!"

Sawyer’s face directly in front of me started to get hazy around the edges as I started sucking in faster and faster breaths. I could see her mouthing "breathe, Luc" over and over, but still couldn’t hear her over the music and Josh’s voice in my head. Her image started to swim, and panic started to take me. I backed away from her hands holding my face and looked around the gym, looked for something to ground me. All I saw were faces I didn’t know – staring at me, laughing, talking, and whispering.

Their imagined voices filtered into my head – "See him throw up…drunk…loser…saw him pounding beers…his mom screwed…" I put my hands over my ears to stop the flood of whispers that I was translating into horrid gossip.

I turned, and ran right into Ms. Reynolds. Her wide eyes took in my expression and she grabbed my shoulders. "Luc? What’s wrong?" I could only shake my head, barely able to breathe, let alone speak.

I broke away from her grasp…and ran. I bumped into quite a few startled couples, but it didn’t stop me. I didn’t stop until I burst through the main doors of the gym and darted out to the parking lot. I sank to my knees on the concrete, letting the cold, crisp air fill my lungs. It burned painfully, but felt good as I gasped it down. My breath finally evened out as my panic attack started to subside.

Grief welled in me and I put my head in my hands and let the tears fall. What a mess I’d made of tonight. I’d only wanted to show Sawyer a good time and here I was, dramatically bawling on my knees in the parking lot. I don’t know how long I stayed there, my slacks getting wet from the cold ground, but eventually I heard two sets of feet hurrying my way.

One paused behind me while the other ducked down to my side. Arms encircled me and Sawyer’s comforting smell hit me. My hands dropped from my face and reached around her waist. I exhaled heavily as I rested my head against her shoulder. She kissed my head before leaning hers against me. I swallowed repeatedly, sucking in the guilt and grief while she rocked me and urged me to let it out.

When I felt more in control, I raised my head to look at her. Her eyes glistened with sympathy as she returned my gaze. "I’m so sorry I ruined your night," I whispered.

She shook her head and kissed my temple. "Don’t…don’t worry about it. Are you okay?"

I choked back more tears and shook my head. I wasn’t sure what I was, but I was nowhere near okay. From behind me I heard, "Do you want some help getting him home, Sawyer?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw Ms. Reynolds standing behind us, shivering in her light dress as she vigorously rubbed her bare arms. Sawyer glanced at me and I gave her a wide-eyed, pleading look. She understood and shook her head at Ms. Reynolds.

"No, I can handle this, thank you."

Ms. Reynolds didn’t look convinced, but only nodded her head as Sawyer helped me stand up. Wanting her to leave us, I tried to throw on a smile. Ms. Reynolds frowned even more, so I stopped trying to look happy. She sighed and looked over at Sawyer. "Call my cell if you need anything, Sawyer. Oh, and tell your parents I’ll come over next week sometime."

I furrowed my brow at that and Ms. Reynolds shifted her attention to me. She patted my arm, but looked like she wanted to hug me. "Everything will be okay, Lucas. Have a good break…all right?"

I nodded stupidly and she turned around and briskly walked back to the warm gym.

Turning to face Sawyer, I couldn’t think of anything to say to her but, "Do you know Ms. Reynolds?"

She turned her lip up that that was the first thing I’d choose to comment on, and sighed, understanding my vague question. "She’s my mom’s second cousin…or something. She agreed to keep an eye on me for her."

I looked away and nodded, finally seeing why Ms. Reynolds always seemed to put so much personal attention on her, calling her parents if she skipped pep rallies, frequently keeping her for a few minutes alone after purity club. Sawyer had a spy.

Sawyer’s hand grasped mine and she pulled me toward her car. I glumly followed, hating just about everything that had happened tonight. The pounding music from the gym had faded to nearly nothing once outside, and by the time we got to her car, the night was quiet. I handed her the car keys, having held them for her, since that fabulous dress didn’t have any pockets.

She opened my door and helped me in like I was a toddler. I hated that she felt the need to mother me after everything that had happened between us, but I silently sat there as she buckled me in and then got in on her side.

She took her corsage off her wrist and looped it around one end of her rearview mirror. I watched as she adjusted some of the bent and broken flower petals, thinking those crushed flowers summed up our night pretty well. Melancholy swept over me and I stared out the window while she started the car.

She didn’t move the car though, and I looked back over at her after a few long seconds idling in the parking lot, the heater on high. "Sawyer?" I said quietly.

She didn’t answer me at first, only warmed her hands with the blasting heat before turning it down to low. She plucked at a sleeve of her dress and then twisted in her seat to face me. Her expression serious, she calmly said, "Did you mean it?"

Not knowing what part of the evening she was referencing, I gave her a questioning look and shook my head. "Mean what?"

She looked down for a split second before lifting her eyes to mine again. There was moisture in the grayness and I hated seeing it again. I started to reach out for her face, but her words froze me solid. "Did you mean that you wish you were dead?" Her eyes flicked over mine as my stomach dropped. "Do you really wish that you were dead every day?"

That moisture built, welling into a small sea before breaking over the dam and trailing down her cheek. I watched it slither down her skin, wondering how to answer her question in the most honest and vague way. Whenever anyone asks that, the answer they expect to hear is "no". No, of course I didn’t mean it. I was exaggerating, or it was a heat of the moment thing. But for me…

I pulled my gaze from her cheek and met her eye. Shaking my head, I whispered, "No. I didn’t mean it. I don’t wish I were dead…"

Not every day…

That was the defining point for me, but it wasn’t one I was about to share with her. The fact was, I did think about death. How could I not after what I’d endured. Immediately after the crash, I had longed for it. I hadn’t wanted to live in a world without my friends. I never shared that desire with anyone, but it was in me…buried. And on bad enough days, it sometimes resurfaced.

Sawyer nodded and a light smile lit her lips. She exhaled and her head came down to rest against mine. Her hand came up to grasp my cheek and she nodded again. My hand came up to the back of her head and I shifted her to my shoulder, pulling her to me for a tight hug.