Derailed (Clayton Falls #1)(26)
Author: Alyssa Rose Ivy

I sat down on the bed, opening up the computer and waiting for it to wake up.

“You can make yourself more comfortable, you know.”

I scooted back before turning and propping myself up with an extra pillow. “Fancy office you have here.”

“I don’t have a need for one.”

“Yeah, me either. Not anymore.” For the first time in ages, I didn’t need to study. It still felt like I was on an extended vacation, and I was going to wake up with a list of assignments a mile long.

I spent a few minutes finding the right site and looking for some flowers I could actually afford. I wanted something nice though. I wanted to make up for shutting Mom out. I hated hurting her, but I didn’t know what else to do. She knew how much it upset Dad when we fought, and I worried that every time she saw me, she remembered how horribly I’d behaved. She tried to reach out to me over and over, but I didn’t know how to have a normal relationship with her anymore.

“This is kind of natural, isn’t it?” Ben brought me back to the present. I looked over to see him smiling with his hands behind his head, reclining comfortably.

“What is natural exactly?”

“This.” He moved a hand out to gesture at us lounging on his bed. “It’s nice to just sit with you like this.”

“Oh. Yeah, it’s peaceful, I guess.” I didn’t need to tell him that he was right. I was dying to say something about the sailboat photo though. He beat me to it.

“Do you remember when you took that picture?”

“Not specifically, but I think I have a copy of it somewhere.” I finished, finally selecting a small arrangement made up entirely of purple, Mom’s favorite color, and set aside the laptop.

“You took it the day after you told me you were going to Boston.”

“Oh.” I looked away from him, not wanting to relive that conversation. I ran my fingers over the blue madras pattern of his quilt, messing with a string that had come loose.

“I freaked out on you. I know that. I called you selfish and accused you of using it as an excuse to get away from me. I must have sounded like a f**king psycho.”

“I wasn’t surprised by your reaction. We considered ourselves pretty serious back then.”

“Why’d you decide you wanted to go so far away? Until then I always thought Chapel Hill was your dream school.”

“I don’t know. Part of it was just wanting to try something different, I guess.”

“And the other part?” He sat up on an elbow, leaning toward me.

“I didn’t want to be left behind.”

“Left behind by who?”

“You.”

He sat up. “What? How could you have thought for a second I’d ever leave you behind?”

“You were so focused on your band. I figured that if you ever really got a break, you’d leave and never look back at anything—including me. I refused to be that girl.” We hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights, and with less direct sunlight streaking in, the room became progressively darker.

“You actually thought that? You honestly believed I could ever want anyone but you in my life? That I wouldn’t take you anywhere I went?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I have? I was seventeen. How many high school relationships make it past graduation?”

I looked away from him and out the window. I watched a bird strut back and forth on the branch of a tree. I wondered why it walked so slowly when it could fly instead.

His hands found mine. “I never would have left you.” He tugged on my arm a little as he leaned back again, still holding one of my hands. “I guess that was the difference between us.”

“What do you mean?” I turned toward him.

“I never believed there was anyone else out there. I knew completely that no one else would ever make me feel the way you did. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and from the day I realized I loved you, I never even considered a future without you.” He exhaled loudly. “But it wasn’t like that for you, was it? You wanted to make sure you weren’t missing out on something better.”

His words stung, getting me in a place that was already so riddled with emotional scars that I wasn’t sure I could take any more. He was right, of course. I had been looking for more, never satisfied with what I had. Maybe that was my problem in life. I always looked ahead to greater things.

I searched for words, but couldn’t find any, so instead I leaned back and dared to look over at him again. His eyes weren’t accusatory, but they did reveal a level of pain I hadn’t expected to see. He opened his arms, and I let myself fall into them. I hurt so badly that I would take any comfort I could get, even if it would hurt more later.

“I’m sorry if I upset you. There’s just so much I’ve wanted to say to you, but never had the chance. I had a plan to get you back, you know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I was going to propose to you that first Thanksgiving when you came home. I bought the ring and everything.”

“What?” I pulled away from him so I could see if he was serious.

The wistful expression on his face proved the sincerity of his statement. “I was going to propose to you out back on your dock—on the exact spot where we had our first kiss. I was so sure that it would show you how serious I was and that you would realize that you could rely on me, that I could take care of you.”

“And I didn’t come home that year.”

“No, you didn’t. But Shayna and her husband did. She told me you weren’t home and didn’t give me any details. Her husband followed me out and said, man to man, I needed to know the truth—you were spending Thanksgiving with your new boyfriend’s family.” Ben’s face twisted into a pained expression as he replayed the exchange.

“Oh god, Ben. I’m sorry you found out that way. I didn’t even think about what it would be like for you. I was so focused on moving on and never looking back.”

“I kept the ring. I always felt that getting rid of it meant I was really giving up. Even when I found out you were engaged—which pissed me off royally, by the way. You see that spot where the paint is messed up over there?” He pointed to an indent in the wall by the door.

“Yeah?”

“That’s where I punched my fist through the wall when I heard you were getting married. But you know what? Even then I couldn’t fully give up. I mean, people call off engagements all the time, right?” He paused, looking at me for agreement. My eyes returned to the mismatched paint on the wall. Somehow that physical manifestation of the pain I’d caused Ben was like an accident scene. I couldn’t look away.