Derailed (Clayton Falls #1)(39)
Author: Alyssa Rose Ivy

“Just because. And you need to get inside. Your neighbors are going to come out.”

“You think I give a shit if the neighbors hear us?” He put his head in his hands. “I know what this is about.”

“Do you?” I challenged, wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him, but knowing I couldn’t.

“It’s Adam, right? You still want to get back with him.”

I shook my head, feeling the tears spill.

“Because if that’s the case, you better make up your mind now.”

“You don’t have to worry about Adam,” I said quietly.

“How can I be sure when you won’t tell me anything?”

“He’s dead.” Saying the words out loud was too much for me. I fell to my knees in the wet grass.

Ben’s hands lifted my face to him. “He’s dead? I thought you guys broke up.”

“I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want the sympathy when I didn’t deserve it.” I started to sob, unable to hold in the anguish.

I felt Ben lift me up, cradling me against his chest as he carried me inside and back to his room. He kept me in his arms as he laid us down. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay.” He brushed my hair gently off my face.

“I—”

“You don’t have to talk until you’re ready.” He traced a comforting pattern of circles on my back.

I choked back a sob. “He knew. He had to have known.”

“Known what?”

“That I didn’t want to marry him.” I finally admitted out loud something I’d been trying to deny for months.

“You didn’t?” Ben wiped away some of my tears.

“I asked him if he was okay postponing the wedding. We didn’t have enough money, so I wanted to finish school first. After a huge fight, he finally agreed. But he knew it was more than that—something was missing.”

Ben nodded, so I continued. “I had no idea he was losing his job. I didn’t find that out until after—”

“What happened… was it an accident?”

“No. He jumped. He jumped off the Tobin Bridge.”

“Jesus.” Ben sat up, pulling me into his lap.

“When he didn’t come home that night, I assumed he was working late and didn’t bother to call, so I just went to sleep. The call came a few hours later; I had to ID the body. Then I had to tell his parents.”

I whimpered, picturing Adam’s lifeless face, eyes closed, but looking anything but peaceful. I saw that face every night. I remembered his Mom’s voice on the phone. How I told her he was gone, and she thought I meant he’d left me. When she finally understood, her wails had made me drop my phone and pass out. “If it weren’t for my friend Becca, I don’t think I would have made it. She was the only one I could turn to.”

Ben exhaled loudly. “Was there a note?”

“No.”

“So you don’t know for sure why he did it.”

“It was my fault.”

“You can’t blame yourself,” he said softly.

“Yes, I can. He knew I had doubts. He knew, and that combined with the endless hours of work and the stress of losing his job pushed him over the edge.” I didn’t tell Ben how Adam’s parents had blamed me. How they’d left me out of the obituary because they didn’t want me to taint his memory. That was something I’d never say out loud. I dared to look up at Ben. “I told you to stay away from me. I’m poison.”

“How can you say that? Adam made a choice. A stupid choice, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.”

“What about Dad?”

“What about him?”

“He just made a choice too?”

“Your dad’s car stalled, or he gunned it. You know that.”

“Do I? Remember the fight I had with him over college?”

“A man doesn’t take his life because his teenage daughter throws a tantrum.”

“But you don’t know that,” I snapped.

“No, I don’t know anything for sure. But none of this means you should hate yourself, and it definitely doesn’t mean I should stay away from you. I need you, and face it, Molly, you need me.”

“What if I don’t want us to need each other?”

“Tough luck. It’s just the way it is.”

He pulled me against his chest again, whispering soothing words, but not trying to stop me from crying. It’s like he knew I needed to let it out. “Did you have a nightmare about him?” he asked once I had quieted down.

“Yes—but it was worse than usual.”

“Usual? Do you have them a lot? Wait, is that why you never want to stay over?”

I nodded.

“Why was this one worse?”

I dared to look up at him, into his handsome face etched with concern. “You were in it. He told me you were going to join him.”

“I would never do that. I would never hurt people that way, and I will never leave you. I swear.” He brushed a few strands of hair off my face.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I know I hurt you. Jake told me—”

“Stop. Don’t do that. It’s over, it’s the past. We were kids. All I care is that you’re with me now.”

“You really still want me? Even knowing what happened?”

“Of course I do. I’ve always wanted you, and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. You’re the only one for me, Molly, the only one.” He looked at me seriously, his eyes full of compassion and undeniable love. “You shouldn’t have to deal with those nightmares alone. You’re staying here from now on.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not? Let me help you, please.”

“This isn’t your problem.” I closed my eyes, clenching some sheet in my hand just to have something to hold onto.

“It is my problem because you’re my problem.”

“I’m your problem?” I smiled despite the tears.

“You’ve always been my problem, my little spitfire.”

Those few words melted what little was left of my resistance. “You called me your spitfire.”

“Because that’s who you are. It’s who you’ve always been. Just think of how much you’ve been through. I hate to think of you suffering through so much alone. Never again. I promise I’m not going to let you down this time.”