Derailed (Clayton Falls #1)(46)
Author: Alyssa Rose Ivy

“But he’s also stayed the same in all the important ways.”

“I’m proud of you.” Shayna wiped away some tears. “I don’t think I would have been strong enough to deal with what you went through without self-destructing.”

“You would have dealt. You deal with what you have to.” I tried to sound more confident than I really felt.

“You’ll come visit us, right?”

“Yes. I promise. But you need to go before you miss your flight.”

She pulled me into a hug. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too.”

I stood on the front step watching Shayna pull away. I never would have believed it at the beginning of the weekend, but her visit was exactly what I’d needed. I thought about what she said—maybe I really would be okay.

Chapter Twenty

“I can’t believe I’m really getting married.” Kelly and I reclined on two lawn chairs in her backyard after the rehearsal dinner. Things had gone perfectly at the church, and we’d all enjoyed a fun barbeque afterward. Ben and I were the only ones left. Things weren’t too awkward with Gavin, but he was still really stiff with Ben. I understood and was glad that no one said anything about it.

“This time tomorrow you’ll be Mrs. Tom Farell.”

“I’m not old enough to be missus anything.”

“Then call yourself Ms. because either way, it’s happening.”

“I know, and I can’t wait.”

Watching the look of pure joy and excitement on her face made me smile and tear up simultaneously. I really was so happy for her.

Ben walked over to us, leaning down to match my eye level. “I need to head out to rehearsal. I hate to make you leave if you’re not ready, though.” He looked at his watch. “Maybe I could wait ten minutes?”

“No, it’s okay. Go ahead, I’ll just walk home or make Kelly drive me.”

Kelly rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t have to make me.”

“All right. It’s going to be really late, so don’t wait up.” Ben smiled. He loved saying things like that. Although I had initially planned to resist his offer to start spending nights at his place, I’d caved easily. We weren’t living together exactly because I kept most of my stuff at my parents’ house, but I hadn’t spent a night alone since Shayna went back to Seattle. We’d fallen into a comfortable routine, and I hoped it wouldn’t change anytime soon.

Ben left, and I spent another hour chatting with Kelly before she drove me the short distance home. Tom was leaving to spend the night at Gavin’s because Kelly insisted that they sleep separately the night before the wedding. As modern as Kelly could be, she still had some old fashioned girl in her.

“Sleep well, bride-to-be.” I reached over to hug her before getting out of the car.

“I doubt I’ll sleep at all, but I’ll try.”

“So you want me over at eleven, right?’

“Yes, but feel free to come earlier.”

“All right, good night.”

***

Ben was still at rehearsal with his band when the email showed up. The time stamp was listed as 12:00 a.m. on the dot, but I didn’t check it until 12:04. I’m not usually such a detail oriented person, but I’d never forget that it took me four minutes to see it.

The name jumped out at me, stabbing at my heart and making me feel light headed. My first thought was that it was a cruel joke. It wasn’t until I got up the nerve to open the email that I realized it for what it was—his note.

Dear Molly,

This is probably going to be a hard day for you, or at least I think it will be. I don’t know if you ever wanted to marry me, but I know you don’t want to now. You may have convinced yourself you wanted to postpone it because we don’t have the money, but you can’t fool me. I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re in denial.

I never thought things would turn out like this. I was supposed to be living it up, making an impression at the firm. Instead, my job’s maybe a month away from gone. We were supposed to be in love, but that part’s only half true. I love you, but I don’t believe you actually love me. I’ve tried to figure out if there’s someone else—but I don’t think there is. I think there’s just the idea of someone else.

I know you probably won’t understand my decision, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be a failure.

I hope you find your happily ever after one day—you deserve it.

I’ll always love you.

Adam

I didn’t make it to the bathroom. I got sick right there on the kitchen floor. I had a fleeting thought that at least it wasn’t the carpet. The good thing about the mess was that it kept me momentarily distracted. I got out the mop and made a bucket of cleaner. The floor was spotless when the contents of the email finally set in.

I poured myself a cranberry vodka. The second glass didn’t even have cranberry juice. The alcohol numbed the pain a little, but not enough. I took an extra swig straight from the bottle. I wanted Ben, but I wasn’t sure how I could face him. It was one thing when I could pretend it wasn’t my fault—but I had my proof. What kind of person sends his fiancé his suicide note on their wedding day? I couldn’t believe he’d had the wherewithal to do it. I couldn’t believe he’d made me wait so long.

I had my note. It should have felt like closure. That’s all I’d wanted with my dad—closure. But somehow this note didn’t make things any better. I only felt worse. Drunk, angry, and unwilling to sit in the house any longer, I went out. I was in no shape to drive, so I walked. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, but I kept going. I was halfway out of town when I realized where I was.

Remnants of a party were spewed all over the grass beside the tracks. A whole case of empty beer bottles rattled as I pushed over the box to sit on it. I guess these kids were neat enough to put them back in the cardboard. We never were. I heard the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance.

I used to love hanging out at the tracks up by the crossing; it was as good a place as any to party. Plus, it had the added bonus of the ultimate dare. We’d all stand on the tracks when we heard the first warning of the freight train approaching. The last one standing on the tracks won. I always won—every single time. While everyone else jumped off as soon as the whistle got louder, I waited until I could feel the train. I knew that you got a nice head start with the vibrations before you could see the light.