Fairest (Page 35)

She could see him struggling through a long silence, before he shrugged. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“Of course you had a choice. If you didn’t love me, you should have said no.”

He laughed humorlessly, leaning his head against the chair’s backrest. “No, I couldn’t have. You made it very clear you weren’t going to let me say no. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you would have just let me walk away.”

Levana opened her mouth to say that, yes, of course, she would have allowed him his freedom, if that’s what he’d truly wanted.

But the words didn’t come.

She remembered that morning still so clearly. Her blood on the sheets. The taste of sour berries. The bittersweet memory of his caresses, knowing that he’d been hers for one night, and yet never hers at all.

No.

No, she would not have let him walk away.

She shuddered, her gaze dropping to the ground.

What a stupid child she’d been.

“At first I’d thought it was a game to you,” Evret continued when it was clear he’d made his point. “Like it was with your sister. Trying to get me to want you like that. I thought you’d grow tired of me, and eventually you’d leave me alone.” A line formed between his eyebrows. “But when you told me to marry you, I realized it was already too late. I didn’t know what you would do if I fought you—really fought you. You’re very good at your manipulations—you were even back then—and I knew I couldn’t resist if you forced me to accept. And I worried that if I kept fighting, you might … you could do something rash.”

“What did you think I was going to do?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, Levana. Have me arrested? Or executed?”

She laughed, although it wasn’t funny. “Executed for what?”

His jaw tightened. “Think about it. You could have told anyone that I’d forced myself on you, or threatened you, or—anything. You could have said anything, and it would be my word against yours, and we both know I would lose. I couldn’t risk it. Not with Winter. I couldn’t let you ruin what little I had left.”

Levana stumbled backward as if she’d been struck. “I would never have done that to you.”

“How was I supposed to know that?” He was practically yelling now, and she hated it. He almost never yelled. “You held all the power. You’ve always held all the power. It’s so exhausting to fight you all the time. So I just went along with it. At least being your husband allowed Winter and me some protection. Not much, but…” He clenched his teeth, looking like he regretted telling her so much, and then shook his head. His tone quieted. “I figured that eventually you would tire of me, and I would take Winter far away from here, and it would be over.”

Levana’s heart throbbed. “It’s been almost ten years.”

“I know.”

“And now? Are you still waiting for it to be over?”

His expression softened. The anger was gone, replaced with something infuriatingly kind, though his words were heartbreakingly cruel. “Are you still waiting for me to fall in love with you?”

She braced herself, and nodded. “Yes,” she whispered.

His brow wrinkled. With sadness. With regret. “I’m sorry, Levana. I’m so sorry.”

“No. Don’t say that. I know that you lo—that you care about me. You’re the only one who’s ever cared about me. Ever since … on my sixteenth birthday, you were the only one to give me a gift, remember?” She fished the pendant from beneath her collar. “I still wear it, all the time. Because of you. Because I love you, and I know…” She gulped, trying in vain to swallow back her mounting sobs. “I know it means you love me too. You always have. Please.”

His eyes were wet too. Filled, not with love, but remorse.

In a broken voice, he said, “It was Sol’s gift.”

Levana froze. “What?”

“The pendant. It was Sol’s idea.”

The words trickled into her ears like a slow-draining faucet. “Sol…? No. Garrison said it was from you. There was a card. It was from you.”

“She’d seen you admiring that quilt in her store,” Evret said. His voice was tender, like speaking to a small child on the verge of a breakdown. “The one of Earth. That’s why she thought you might like the pendant too.”

She clutched the pendant in her fist, but no matter how tight she squeezed, she could feel her hope passing like water through her fingers. “But … Sol? Why? Why would she…?”

“I told her about how I’d seen you impersonating her. That day, before the coronation.”

Levana’s mouth went dry, the mortification she’d felt that day quick to return.

“I think she felt bad for you. She thought you must be lonely, that you needed a friend. So she asked me to look out for you, when I was at the palace.” He gulped. “To be kind.”

He seemed sympathetic, but Levana knew it was just a cover for his true feelings. Pity. He pitied her.

Sol had pitied her.

Sickly, irrelevant Solstice Hayle.

“The pendant was her idea,” Evret said, looking away. “But the card was mine. I did want to be your friend. I did care about you. I still do.”

She released the pendant faster than she would have released a burning ember.

“I don’t understand. I don’t—” She choked on a sob. She felt like she was drowning, and desperation was clawing at her, her lungs trying to breathe, but there was no air left. “Why can’t you even try, Evret? Why can’t you even try to love me?” Crossing the room, she knelt before him, taking his hands into hers. “If you would just let me love you, let me show you that I could be the wife you wanted, that we could—”

“Stop. Please, stop.”

She gulped.

“You’re always so desperate to make this work, to turn our marriage into something it isn’t. Haven’t you ever just stopped to wonder what else might be out there? What you might be missing out on by trying so hard to force this to be real between us?” He squeezed her hands. “I told you a long time ago that by choosing me, you were giving up your chance to find happiness.”

“You’re wrong. I can’t be happy—not without you.”

His shoulders sank. “Levana…”

“I mean it. Think about it. We’ll start over. From the beginning. Pretend that I’m just a princess again, and you’re the new royal guard, coming to protect me. We’ll act like this is our first meeting.” Suddenly giddy with the prospect, Levana leaped back to her feet. “You should start by bowing to me, of course. And introducing yourself.”