Find You in the Dark (Find You in the Dark #1)(74)
Author: A. Meredith Walters

“What?” I asked quietly. “She killed herself when I was ten years old. That’s what happened. And all because she swore she was fine and my grandfather believed her.” Rachel’s voice broke. I felt cold at her words.

“So don’t you see? You aren’t helping Clay by enabling him! You need to get your ass back here, and let the people whose job it is to help him do it. Yeah his parents sound shitty, but they just may ultimately know what’s best for him – not you.” She was being harsh and I wanted to ignore what she was telling me. But there was a small part of me that heard her and knew the advice she was giving me was good.

“And you should call your parents. Hearing from me that you’re all right isn’t the same as hearing it from you. You have great parents. Don’t ruin your relationship with them for some ill-conceived Florence Nightingale complex.”

I heard the motel door behind me open. “Maggie? Why are you out here?” Clay asked from the door way. I looked over my shoulder at him. He had put on his pants, but hadn’t bothered with a shirt. His hair was rumpled as he squinted in the morning light.

“I’ve gotta go, Rach. I’ll call you when I know where we’re going.” I assured her. “Maggie. Seriously. Come home. This is nuts!” She pleaded. I didn’t answer her, instead I disconnected the call.

Standing up I shoved my phone in my pocket. “Rachel?” He asked. I nodded, following him into the room and shutting the door behind us. “What did you tell her?” He eyed me warily. “I told her you had some stuff going on and we needed to get away for awhile.” I lied. No way could I tell him that I had spilled his entire mental history to her. I seriously doubted he’d want her to know about all of that ugliness.

Clay pulled me closer and kissed me. “I was scared when I woke up and you weren’t here. I thought…that maybe you had left.” He looked at me with a vulnerability that frightened me. I hugged him tightly. “Never, Clay. I’m not going anywhere without you.” I told him and he relaxed in my arms.

Clay got in the shower and we looked in the phone book for a place to get some more provisions. There was a Target two towns over. So we got in Clay’s car and went to Brookerton. We loaded up on shampoo, soap, toothbrushes and toothpaste. I splurged a bit and got myself a curling iron and hair dryer. I was glad that I had thought to grab my cash card before leaving Davidson.

We went back to the motel room and I brushed my teeth for at least fifteen minutes. I had never been so thankful for toothpaste in my life. I spent some time and curled my hair, letting it rest in pretty waves around my shoulders. Just because we were on the run, didn’t mean I couldn’t look nice. When I was finished, I sat beside Clay on the bed. He was going through messages on his phone. He looked up at me and smiled tenderly. He touched a strand of my hair. “You look beautiful.” He said softly. I leaned over and kissed him, feeling so full of love in that moment.

His attention was pulled back to his phone. “What is it?” I asked, peering over his shoulder. “Ruby texted me last night.” He said, turning the screen off. “What did she say?” I asked him. “She wanted to know where I was.” “Did you answer her?” I inquired. Clay shook his head. “Not yet. I’m not really sure what to tell her.”

We were quiet for awhile. The weight of our decision playing heavily on our minds. “What are we going to do? I mean, we can’t stay in this motel room forever.” I reasoned, picking at the skin around my fingernails. Clay smirked. “Why not? This is high class living.” He joked. I lightly punched his arm.

He sobered. “I know you’re right. I just can’t go back there. My life is over if I go back. Maybe we could find some quiet town to live in. We could get jobs, a place to live. Really start a life together.” Clay seemed so hopeful. I, of course, knew that sort of wishful thinking would never happen. I still needed to finish high school. And what about college? Yeah, I didn’t think things through very clearly in my rush to run away with Clay.

In the harsh light of day, things seemed a lot less simple and more like a big ol’ mess. I didn’t respond to his statement. Not sure I could agree with his rosy- colored view of the future. “Why don’t we just stay here a day or two. We have enough money for that and then we can figure things out.” Clay said, taking my hand in his.

A day or two seemed okay. Maybe just some time to relax and put things in perspective is what Clay needed to make a sensible decision. I could give him that. “Okay.” I agreed, snuggling into his side. Clay wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

“This is all I need, Mags. Just you and me, together.” He murmured as I listened to the sound of his heart beat under my ear. He made it sound so perfect. But I knew the life we were creating for ourselves was anything but.

“Did you bring your medication, Clay?” I asked after I woke up from our afternoon nap. Clay stiffened for a minute before pulling away. He got off of the bed and walked into the bathroom. I followed him and watched him from the door way as he filled a cup with water and took a drink.

“You didn’t bring them, did you.” I stated instead of asking. Clay gave me his best charming smile. “I’ll be fine without them. I haven’t really been taking them for awhile anyway. You’ll see. Now that we’re away from all that stress, it won’t be like it was before. I promise.” I couldn’t believe he had been lying to me for weeks. I thought he had still been taking the lithium. His crazy behavior started to make more sense.

“What’s awhile?” I asked him. Clay frowned. “I don’t know. Since early November, I guess. Don’t worry about it.” Early November!!! I know my mouth hung open. I couldn’t believe he had been so sneaky about it.

I felt like such a fool. Here, I had been trying to rationalize everything, thinking he was just jealous, or under a lot of stress. But no, it was because he hadn’t been doing what he needed to do to regulate himself- to take care of himself. I wanted to punch him, or scream at him. But I knew that would just make it worse.

Damn it! Rachel was right. I couldn’t do this. I needed to get Clay back to Davidson. This was a tightrope walk, and I knew it was just a matter of time before he fell off and he took me with him. My face must have paled because Clay grabbed me by my upper arms.

“Stop it, Maggie! Don’t start worrying about me. I will be all right. Things will be perfect. Just how we wanted them to be. I don’t need those stupid pills as long as I have you.” His words chilled me. He really did seem to believe that.

When had I become his new medication? And when had I started enabling him? I loved Clay so much, but this was not right. He couldn’t replace his medication with me and think things would be okay. He was seriously deluding himself.