From Rags(15)
Author: Suzanne Wright

But it wasn’t fine. How could it be fine when one of the very few people in the world you had ever cared for suddenly didn’t want to know you? And it wasn’t just anyone, it was Jaxx – the only person he had ever valued, ever trusted, ever let his guard down for after what happened with his biological family.

And then you left and never went back to her, a voice inside him whispered.

Was that what this was about? Fuck, she could never imagine how difficult it had been to leave her that day. He had felt like he was abandoning her. And when he had looked at her puffy eyelids, her forced smile and her wobbling chin it had immediately made him think of when his mother had dumped him and walked away. Suddenly, he had felt no better than that cold-hearted bitch.

Promising Jaxx that he would go back to see her had been wrong and stupid; it had been the only time in his life when he had ever told someone what they wanted to hear. For his own reasons he had stayed away, reminding himself that she had Roland and Leah. She wouldn’t be alone, wouldn’t have to know what ‘alone’ felt like.

He left the cockpit and removed his helmet. Circling his head on his shoulders, he groaned. His Saturdays were usually spent on his aerobic conditioning. His physical fitness was imperative; only during a marathon did a person’s heart rate go high for such a long time. Normally on Saturdays he would either go swimming or running or cycling. But today he had needed greater speeds. Speed was his tonic. Always had been. When he was driving at 200mph and hitting forces of more than 5G, he actually felt at peace. Because they were the moments when he actually felt in control of his life. Even cramped, boiling hot, having his movements constricted by straps around the crotch and chest while his heartbeat reached about 170 per hour and his blood pressure could increase up to 50%, Connor never experienced a more undiluted sense of freedom.

Also, with his concentration solely on steering the race car, all his senses at their peak alertness, that was a time when Connor could totally and utterly shove all other thoughts away. Even Jaxx. But only for a short while, it turned out. His mind was now again hooked on trying to work out her sudden indifference to him. And he was pissed off no end.

Maybe he should just let it go and continue to stay away. It was obviously what she wanted. Maybe he should just be content enough with knowing that she was doing well, that she was happy. What else was there to know anyway?

Fuck. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do that, just as he knew deep down that it was reasons other than curiosity that made him want to see her. If he didn’t have to go to the charity event later tonight, he might have found himself hunting her down to demand to know what her problem was. He would give her until the morning; if she still hadn’t responded to his message by then she would find that the next one wasn’t so friendly.

It was as Jaxxon hopped into the long, white limo that she realised why Ollie had caved so easily about her taking Anna as her guest to the event. Sitting there looking equally surprised were Bruno and Chris, both looking very smart and appealing, and yet her body was not at all interested. She was concerned that she might be turning into a eunuch.

“Oh my God,” gasped Anna, surprised but delighted. “You never said we were going out as a foursome.” She gave the Latino looking Chris her best flirtatious smile.

“I take it this is Ollie’s doing,” said Bruno, grinning and running his hand through the sandy hair that tickled his cheekbones. Shame it hadn’t been Jaxxon’s doing, he thought.

Jaxxon sighed. “Apparently he didn’t like that we hadn’t all paired up so decided to take matters into his own hands. Crafty sod.”

“Do we tell the driver to stop?” asked Chris, wondering whether Jaxxon would be annoyed enough to chuck him out if he didn’t offer in advance.

She thought about it for a moment. “I say we just forget about pleasing everyone else and sweating about what the tabloids might print and just go there as the mates that we are.”

“I’d go for that,” said Bruno. As much as he would have liked there to have been more between him and Jaxxon – who wouldn’t? – he’d heard her tell Anna often enough that she wasn’t interested in getting involved with anyone just yet. He understood. She needed time to get her head around all the changes that were suddenly happening in her life.

“Same here,” said Chris. He noticed the hurt on Anna’s face. “You should probably know that I’m g*y.”

Her eyes almost popped out of their sockets. “Wow, really?”

Bruno saw that Jaxxon and Anna were now giving him an odd look which he easily deciphered. He quickly lifted his friends up, palms out. “No, me and Chris aren’t a couple. Just mates. And when I say mates, I mean friends. As it happens, I’m hoping to corner my ex. She’s been texting me and phoning me the past couple of weeks talking about us getting back together. She doesn’t know I’m coming tonight.”

“I’m hoping to find myself a nice, rich actor,” sighed Anna dreamily.

“That won’t happen unless you learn not to faint when they get near you,” Jaxxon told her. Anna always became very intimidated in the presence of celebrities.

Anna bounced in her seat. “I know, I know, but I just get all tongue-tied and it’s like the blood just leaves my head.”

“In Bruno’s case, the blood all rushes to a particular body part, giving him the hard-on from hell,” chuckled Chris.

“I don’t know what you’re laughing at,” spat Bruno. “You’re as bent as a boomerang and yet you only ever seem to attract women.”

“What’s with the stubbly face?”

Bruno scratched his chin self-consciously. “Just thought I’d try out the rough look.”

“You’re not pulling it off. You’re face…it’s too pretty.”

“Pretty?”

“Boys, boys,” soothed Jaxxon. “We’re here.”

The venue – a five-star hotel – was huge and impressive, Jaxxon noted as they all hopped out of the limo and into the lights of dozens of flashing cameras. Again Jaxxon got that sense of not belonging. Never would she have imagined setting foot in a place like this. Just like she never would have imagined being asked for autographs or photographs – mostly, though, being renowned for telling people to sod off meant that she didn’t get too much of that. It was something that she suspected would always feel weird to her, just like the special treatment she received and the invites to parties of celebs who she’d never even met. More shocking was that she’d actually been asked to feature on a reality T.V. programme, to go to various castings, and been asked several times for interviews. Ollie and Richie didn’t mind so much that she refused; they thought it went in her favour that she was mostly a mystery. Besides, she was busy enough already – another thing Ollie and Richie liked.