Here Without You

Her hand lays palm up in mine. Skimming the contours of her fingers, I concentrate on calming her. Her eyes are still downcast, watching my finger trace slowly over her skin. I know from that kiss yesterday that she wants me, but she’s always been capable of pushing those desires aside. If we don’t go deeper than that – if she won’t let me all the way in, apart from her physical response, I won’t be able to keep her.

‘I want to apologize for not trusting you,’ I say, and she frowns as her eyes snap to mine. This is not what she expected me to confess. Good. ‘I was afraid of what you’d think of me if, or when, you found out about River. But you’ve been the one person to continually see anything worthwhile in me, to help me see it – and I should have trusted in that.’

I recall the words she said when she found out about him: You’re doing the right thing, and I’m proud of you for it. Her eyes go glassy, and I cup her face in my hands as the realization hits. Fucking hell, how did I not see this? ‘You have faith in me – but not me with you.’

And that does it. She shuts her eyes and I know I’m right.

‘You love your parents, but you think they don’t know you. You may still believe in God, but not that he cares about you. You’re disconnecting, trying to protect yourself. But, baby, it’s not going to work. I’m here to tell you – it’s not going to work.’

All of a sudden, she’s crying, and I’m praying this conversation isn’t going to push her further from me.

I stand and pull a small, square box from my pocket. Go to my knees in front of her, so we’re eye to eye. ‘Dori, I have faith in us. I don’t know how else to prove to you that I want you forever.’ I open the box and set it in her open palm, and she gasps. ‘My grandmother willed this ring to me, to give to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. When she died almost six years ago, I had no idea what my future held – or that someone like you would be part of it. That River would be part of it. I don’t know where I’ll be in another six years, but I know I want you there with me. With us.’

She stares down at the enormous sapphire stone, surrounded by slivers of diamonds and set into a platinum band. I don’t tell her that this ring also belonged to my great-grandmother. My maternal great-grandfather was one of those dudes who pulled his money from the stock market months before the crash, keeping his family beyond solvent at a time when many of his peers lost everything. Their son presented this ring to my grandmother, and it skipped a generation and came to me.

I close the box and shut her fingers around it. ‘Take this. When you’re ready, I want to put it on your finger. I want you to meet my son. I want you to let me bring you into my world – because I need you there. The media crap is just PR. Piece of cake for you, trust me. There are a hundred people ready to help us nail it. Let me help you rebuild your faith, because that’s who you are, and I love who you are.

‘Remember last fall, when you needed to be reckless, and I told you to use me? Well, now, it’s time to be fearless. I can’t promise that you won’t be hurt again, because life can suck. And, sometimes, it hurts like hell. I’m asking you to have faith in one thing, for now: the fact that when we’re alone, I’m just Reid, and you’re just Dori, and we’re going to love each other for the rest of our lives.’

She’s staring at me, the velvet-covered box clutched in her hand. I lean forward and kiss her, tasting her tears or my own, I don’t know which. ‘Come to me when you’re ready to be fearless. Unless you can look me in the eye right now and tell me you don’t love me.’

Lower lip trembling, she says nothing, and I kiss her again before I leave.

28

BROOKE

‘Brooke,’ Janelle answers. ‘Please tell me you’re calling to say yes to Paper Oceans.’

‘I’m calling to say yes to Paper Oceans.’

‘Oh, thank GOD!’ My agent begins to squeal with joy and I jerk my mobile away from my ear. Jee-zus.

‘Janelle – I have one condition,’ I yell towards the phone.

The squealing ceases. ‘Okay. Let’s have it.’ She sighs. ‘I’m your agent – I was born to bitch up and negotiate. Hit me.’

Ugh. Dramatic much? ‘No negotiating necessary. This one is for Stan: tell him to go ahead and kill off Kirsten Wells, because she is never coming back to that damned beach.’

She shrieks with laughter. ‘Okay, seriously? After what he said to you on set last week, he can suck my –’

‘All right, then!’ I stop her before she finishes that thought and I’m stuck with a mental image I’d prefer to bypass. ‘We’re good. So, other than the occasional PR-necessary interviews and whatever pre-planning meetings the producers might need me to do beforehand, I’m officially out of commission until June. I’ll be back and forth between LA and Austin until then.’

‘Oh. So you’re going through with the adoption?’ She sounds confused.

I grit my teeth. Janelle is a determined I will never, ever have children sort of woman. I was, too, not long ago. An aversion to parenthood was something we had in common. I can’t expect her to suddenly relate to my new priorities – though I do expect her to work around them.

‘Yes. Reid has agreed to keep him while I’m filming in Australia. He’ll be between films in June.’

‘Huh. Impressive. You two are behaving better than most of my divorced-with-kids cohorts – and they’re in their thirties and forties. Those poor kids are like the rope in their parents’ I-hate-you-now tug of wars. Thank God I don’t have to ever speak to either of my douchebag exes again.’