Here Without You

I know instinctively I’ll never have that sort of issue with Reid. Whatever his past or present faults, he’s stepped up in a way I never could have foreseen him doing. If he wasn’t in love with Dori, I could fall for him all over again.

But he is in love with her. And I need his friendship too much, for River’s sake, and for my own. I learned my lesson with Graham, whose friendship I’m determined to earn back. Some day. If Emma allows it.

‘Heads up, Janelle – Rowena is getting an exclusive photo op of Reid and River and me. She’s going to “catch” us doing our first custody swap. Expect the story to break by the end of the week – I’ll need you to consider who to give the print story to. It’ll be jointly done.’

‘Wow. You’re using Rowena for this?’ she says. ‘So, it will be a breaking story – photos only, instead of an official announcement. That’s ballsy. But why am I surprised? Of course you’d approach this the way you do everything else: head on.’

Can’t argue with that. ‘I’ve gotta go. River will be here any minute.’

‘Thanks for the great news!’ she squeals. ‘I’ll be in touch!’

I have got to get some earplugs.

I’ve never made so much queso in my life, and I’m from central Texas. River seems to like to dip everything he eats in a bowl of cheese, and given the fact that we’re trying to get his weight up, his paediatrician has given the green light to unlimited amounts of it. To my son, everything is better dipped in cheese – except fruit. But hand the kid a chicken nugget or a green bean or a stick of celery, and into the queso it goes.

I also did something that Kris was none too sure about: I bought a dorm-room sized fridge for his bedroom. ‘Maybe not the best precedent …’ Kris said, but I know she was thinking what I thought when I bought it: at least the food he hoards won’t spoil. And it may get him to do it more openly, which could result in his no longer feeling the need to do it at all, at some point.

He also likes to sit in his closet occasionally, with the door almost all the way closed. So we constructed a little tented-off area in the back with blankets and pillows, and a safety light, though he sometimes sits in the dark. If I can’t find him, I know that’s where he is. I sit on his bed and call to him nonchalantly, telling him it’s time for lunch, or bath, or pyjamas and a book. Eventually, he emerges, always holding Hot Dog … who is going to need a bath of his own soon. His fur is sporting all sorts of random stickiness and, unsurprisingly, cheese.

‘Hi, River,’ I’ll say, as though it’s perfectly normal for a kid to want to sit in a dark closet.

He climbs up beside me, and I smile as though it doesn’t break my heart that he needs to hide. That he still gets that scared. That he still doesn’t speak.

‘He’s had one bad dream this week,’ I tell Reid quietly, as River stands at the hiking barricade, checking out the big Hollywood sign in the distance. He holds a finger out, tracing the letters in mid-air. I’ve had him for three days, and he’s going home with Reid now. ‘He yelled, “No” and “Don’t hit Mama”. But he stayed solidly asleep.’

‘Jesus,’ Reid says, watching him. We’re both smiling, because Rowena is a small distance away, taking photos. My smile has never felt so unnatural.

‘I’ll call you if I have any problems.’ He looks down at me, and the worry in his eyes is plain. ‘You might want to keep your phone on twenty-four–seven.’

I smile up at him. ‘You’ll do just fine. But yeah, I’ll have my phone on and on me for the next four days straight.’

River’s second favourite place is the huge sandbox on my enclosed patio. Daddy sent it, along with a note: Brooke, I got Evan one of these and he loves it. I thought River might too. Evan is the starting forward on his soccer team, which I’m now assistant coaching. Rory’s interested in cars, so we’re taking a long weekend to go to the auto show in NYC. Thank you for your advice. It was spot on. Love, Daddy.

Reid plans to take River to the private beach owned by John’s parents. ‘John thinks he’s become an uncle,’ Reid says. ‘I had to talk him out of buying River a kid-sized sports car.’ I shake my head. John. ‘Did you pack that bulldozer you said he likes?’

I nod. ‘And the crane. So you can both play.’

We laugh and River turns to look at us. His sweet little face is so serious, but at least he isn’t frowning.

‘Ready to go, bud?’ Reid says, squatting down. River walks over and straight into his arms, and I bite my lip and keep my face turned from where I know Rowena is until my fake smile is back in place. I watch as Reid straps River into a booster seat in the back of his dad’s SUV, and hands him Hot Dog. ‘I’m guessing Immaculada is gonna get hold of that dog some time in the next few days,’ he murmurs, ‘and send it through the wash.’

‘Good,’ I murmur back. ‘I think we could stick him to a wall and he’d stay there right now.’ I run a hand through River’s soft hair, wavy and the perfect beach blond, like Reid’s. ‘Goodbye, River. Have fun with Reid, and I’ll see you soon.’ When I lean to kiss his forehead, he turns his face into mine. Not quite kissing me back, but accepting my kiss.

I’ve always said I would never need a man, and no boy would ever save me.

I was wrong.

DORI

Me: I’m ready to talk, if you’re free.

Reid: River is here for his second overnight. His bedtime is 8. Mom is reading to him now, and he’s looking pretty sleepy.