Light in the Shadows (Find You in the Dark #2)(38)
Author: A. Meredith Walters

But that was beyond screwed up. I was trying really hard to get rid of the person that I was. But being around Maggie made it hard to leave him in my past. And as f**ked up as it was, I realized I missed the old Clay. Because the old Clay belonged with Maggie. The Clay that I was now didn’t seem to belong anywhere.

I hadn’t told Ruby my plans yet, I was still marinating over the complete upheaval it would create in my world. The first three days back in Davidson had been spent with total, overwhelming anxiety. I had wanted to run, to get my ass back to Grayson. But here I was, Saturday night, knowing deep in my bones that I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

Dr. Todd would not be happy. He had warned me that coming back to a place that carried so much baggage would be opening myself up to old wounds. I was supposed to be prepared for this. Hadn’t that been what I’d spent the last three months doing? But the pull I felt in Davidson, Virginia was too strong to resist.

Plus, it was my life. I could do with it what I wanted. Okay, even I recognized how counterproductive that statement was, but I was feeling testy and defensive. And I knew I’d be letting people down back in Florida. But the people that mattered the most were right here, and that’s what was important.

After Ruby went to bed, I spent a long time sitting up, going through the same photo albums. I propped my feet up on the coffee table and accidentally knocked over Lisa’s coffee mug. It fell to the hard wood floor and broke into pieces.

Shit! I leaned down and picked up the mess. Then, on an impulse, I picked up Lisa’s glasses, gathered her slippers that still lay where she had kicked them off beside the couch. I grabbed her grey sweater that lay over the back of the chair and took them into the kitchen. I was suddenly very, very angry.

I found a black trash bag and dumped the painful reminders inside. I tied it shut and dropped it at the foot of the stairs. When I was done, I stood there, bracing myself against the wall, breathing quickly.

Now that my spurt of anger had disappeared, I realized Ruby would have my head for messing with Lisa’s stuff like that. But I just couldn’t handle sitting around while her shit lay about like she would walk through the door at any moment.

Like today was just any other day and not the day we had put her in the ground. It wasn’t right. And I was sick and tired of living in a delusion. Sure life was tough to deal with and some days it took everything in me to even put my feet on the floor. But that was better than living a lie, with the unrealistic expectations that would never be realized.

I picked up the bag and quietly took it up stairs. I opened up the door to Ruby’s bedroom. She was finally asleep, curled under a blanket. Trying to be as silent as possible, I opened the bag and took out Lisa’s stuff. I gently laid them out on the dresser just inside the entry way.

When I was done, I took a final look at Ruby, who hadn’t moved, and closed the door behind me. Standing in the hallway, I made another decision. I strode across the floorboards and flung my bedroom door open, wincing when it hit the wall with a bang.

I turned on the light and went inside. I could still see the indentation on the bedspread from where Maggie was sitting earlier. Looking around, I wondered why I had been so scared to come in here.

It was just a room, like any other. Only this one seemed to whisper with a hundred memories. Some I wanted to remember, others I didn’t. But whatever, this was my room and I had to start learning to exorcise the ghosts of my past. There was no way I could move forward, in whatever direction my future decided to take me, unless I faced things.

I was sick and tired of being a weak coward. And staying in this room, even if it seemed a small thing to do, was a start.

I went downstairs and turned off the lights, then grabbed my suitcase and lugged it up the stairs. I placed it on the bed and opened it, pulling out my clothes and then unceremoniously dumped them into my chest of drawers. When I was finished, I stuffed my now empty suitcase into my closet.

Then curling up on my bed, I fell into a fitful sleep.

***

The next morning, I spent a good portion of the time putting off the inevitable; calling Dr. Todd and explaining that I wouldn’t be returning to Grayson. Ruby was still in her room. I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping or not but I made sure to be quiet, just in case.

I sat down in the living room and pulled out my cell phone and dialed Dr. Todd’s personal number before I lost my nerve. It rang twice before he answered.

“Hey doc, how’s it goin’?” I asked lightly. I picked up the pen and started doodling on a pad of paper.

“Clayton, it’s nice to hear from you. How were things yesterday?” he asked. I gave him the quick rundown about the service, the get together afterwards. I told him about Ruby and how hard this was on her. And then I told him about Maggie, seeing her again and how tough that had been for me.

Just like always, unloading felt really good. It was unbelievable that I had fought sharing my feelings for so long. I really was such a fool. It was amazing how knowing someone would listen patiently made it so easy to open up.

“That’s a lot for someone to handle, Clay. How are you dealing with everything?” his question was loaded with a million tiny subtexts. Was I cutting? Was I drinking? Was there a hypodermic needle poking out of my arm as we speak? Was I falling face first in a pile of my own shit?

“I’m dealing. Some minutes are easier than others, but so far so good.” And that was the truth. I hadn’t fallen off the proverbial wagon just yet. Though the temptation was pretty damn great.

“That’s wonderful, Clay. I’m glad to hear that. Now, why don’t you tell me the reason for your call?” said Dr. Todd, the all-seeing psychic. The man was good, too good. And here I thought I was hiding my true intentions so well. I was clearly losing my touch.

I took a deep breath and laid it all out there. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, it was better to do it quickly. “I’m staying in Davidson.” I sounded belligerent as though daring him to argue with me.

“I suspected this would happen. I know how hard it is to leave home, once you’re there,” Dr. Todd said patiently, making me feel unreasonably guilty. It wasn’t as though he were trying to shame me. In fact he sounded totally understanding, but I felt the disappointment a thousand miles away.

“I just can’t leave Ruby. Not like this. She’s going through a lot and I would hate myself if I took off again,” I explained.

“I understand, Clay, I really do. But as your therapist, I have to remind you of the fact that you have two more weeks left in your treatment contract. Three months may seem like a long time but when it comes to getting a handle on your issues, it’s not nearly long enough. Don’t become complacent in your treatment,” Dr. Todd told me firmly. He was using his principal voice. The one that let me know I needed to listen to what he was telling me.