Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(12)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

“Through the afternoon of the first. Then it’s the red-eye flight back to California that night.”

I nodded. “We were going to stay through then, too, but I thought it would be best if we got Finn back to Cali so we could start setting up his physical therapy appointments, and all the other stuff that goes with his injuries.” I lifted a hand before letting it fall to my lap. “There’s a lot to organize before classes start.”

Finn cursed under his breath and stood. “You make me sound like I’m an old man who can’t take care of myself. I’m injured, not useless. I can organize it all.”

“I know. I didn’t mean—”

“I know you didn’t mean anything by it, Carrie. It’s just that I’m realizing I’m not your boyfriend anymore. I’m a f**king burden.” He gripped his head and gave me his back. “You know what? Forget I said that. I think I’m going to excuse myself before I say something else I’ll regret.”

I lurched to my feet. “Don’t go. I’m sorry.”

“I told you to stop f**king apologizing to me,” he snapped.

“But—”

My dad came up behind Finn. “Is every—?”

Finn whirled on my dad, fist raised, his breathing coming fast. He looked a second away from clocking my dad in the jaw. Dad jumped back, his eyes wide and his hands up in surrender. I ran to Finn’s side, and Riley bolted around the couch to Dad. “Finn.”

“Shit.” Finn covered his face with his good hand. “I’m sorry. You snuck up on me.” He shook his head, but didn’t drop his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Shh. It’s okay, Finn.” I locked eyes with Dad. “It’s okay. He’s all right.”

Dad broke gazes with me, his face pale but otherwise seeming unaffected. “Yes. I’m fine, Griffin.”

Finn turned to me and finally showed his face. He looked ravaged. Terrified. Broken. It’s the first time he’d dropped the act around me, and it hurt so freaking much. I opened my arms, and he dove into them, bending down and hugging me with his good one. “Fuck, Carrie. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“Shh.” I hugged him as tight as I could, meeting Riley’s gaze over Finn’s shoulder. “I’m here with you.”

They needed to go. Needed to let Finn recover without an audience. He seemed to get my message. “Mr. Wallington?” Riley said a bit haltingly. “Let’s go check on your tree and see if the household staff needs any help. It’s a fine tree, if I may say so myself.”

Dad looked less than willing, but good manners won out. “Sure thing. Let’s go.” He started for the door but froze. “Carrie, if you need help, I’ll be right out there.”

I nodded but didn’t answer. I was too busy holding Finn and trying to calm him down. Once we were alone, I kissed the top of his head. “I’m here, and you’re okay.”

“I’m not okay. I’m not.” He clung to me so tightly I could barely breathe. His face was pressed into my chest, but I could still feel him shivering in my arms. “Shit, I can’t do this to you anymore. I can’t be this guy.”

My heart stuttered. “You didn’t do anything to me, Finn. I’m fine.” I ran my hands over his bald head, skipping over his puckered wound. I didn’t know if they still hurt. “You’re fine. We’ll get through this.”

He shook his head but didn’t release me. “You don’t deserve this.”

“Hey. Stop that.” I pulled back and forced him to look at me. Cupping his cheeks, I narrowed my eyes on him. “You don’t deserve this. You went there because you were trying to make life better for us. For me. If anything, this is all my fault. If we hadn’t met, and you hadn’t loved me, you never would have taken this job.” My voice cracked. “Anything you’re going through right now, it’s on me. Not you.”

He shook his head frantically. “This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I lived. They died.” He stared off into the distance. “They all died in front of me. I saw it happen. They all just died. Why did I live? Why me?”

I swallowed back a sob. He looked so lost. “Because I need you.”

“I need you too.” He seemed to snap back into reality. He turned to me and his face softened a fraction. “So damn much, but it’s not fair. None of this is fair.”

Was it not fair that he needed me, or was he saying it wasn’t fair he was still alive? I wasn’t sure, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to find out. “I know it’s not.”

“I can’t do this to you,” he repeated. “I won’t do it. I won’t ruin you. I won’t take you down with me.”

His words filled me with fear. It was as if he was telling me he was leaving. We’d promised to love each other forever. He couldn’t leave. I gripped him even tighter. “Stop talking like that. You’re scaring me.”

“You should be f**king scared of me.” He laughed harshly. “Look at me.”

“I am looking at you.” I leaned in and kissed him gently, even though my fingers ached to slap him until he stopped talking nonsense. “I’m always looking at you. You’re gorgeous, brave, kind, and loving. You’re Finn, and I love you just the way you are. Forever, no matter what.”

He drew in a ragged breath. “Yeah, but I think you see the old me. Not the ‘me’ I am now. The me I’ll always be from now on. The guys died. Every. Single. One.”

“But you lived.” I shook him a little. “You’re here, with me. There’s a reason for that, don’t you think?”

“I know, but I’m not here,” he whispered. “Not really. You’d be better off if I just—”

“Don’t you even think about finishing that thought,” I hissed. “I’m telling you right now, I won’t accept it.”

He averted his eyes. “But it’s true. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.”

I pushed him a little bit, anger taking over and making me forget I might hurt him. What had he been about to say? Was he going to say I would be better off if he’d just leave me…or if he’d died? Either way, he was wrong. So freaking wrong. “I will kick your ass so f**king hard you won’t be able to sit straight for a week. Do you hear me?”