Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(13)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

That seemed to bring him back to life. His lips even twitched as he turned back to me. “Is that so? A whole week?”

“Yeah. That’s so.” I curled my hands into fists so hard my nails dug into my palms. “I can’t live without you. I can’t do anything if you leave me. Don’t think it. Don’t dream it. Don’t even say it. I’ll never forgive you if you do. Not in a million years. Got it?”

His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I hate doing this to you. Hate being f**king broken. This isn’t who you fell in love with.”

“We’re all broken in different ways. You feel shattered now, but it’ll get better.” I ran my fingers over his jawline. It was so strong. So resilient. Just like him. He didn’t realize how strong he still was. “Love is about staying with each other, in sickness and in health. I’m not leaving because you’ve been injured. And you can’t push me away. I won’t let you do that to us.”

His resolve cracked. I could see it, as if it was a physical thing. “Carrie…”

“No. Don’t Carrie me.”

I kissed him, trying to convey the depth of my devotion and love in that simple kiss. He clung to me, making a broken sound in the back of his throat. His hand trembled as he cupped the back of my head, deepening the kiss.

Something crashed behind us and he jumped to his feet, shoving me behind him. Riley stood at the door, his eyes locked on us. “It’s just me,” he said softly. “I’m going to head out now. The snow is getting pretty heavy.”

Finn relaxed marginally. “I’m sorry about earlier. I…well, I’m…”

“Dude.” Riley held up a hand. “No explanations needed. Seriously.”

Finn gave him a long look and nodded. “Thanks, man.”

“Are you sure you can make it home okay?” I glanced out the window. The snow was coming down really heavily now. I felt bad that he’d come all this way to visit us and I’d basically said hi and that was it. “You just got here.”

“I’ll be fine.” Riley smiled. “I might be in California now, but I’m still used to the D.C. winters. I’m not that much of a surfer boy.”

No, I only had one surfer boy in my life.

Finn gave him a small smile. “It was nice meeting you. Hopefully the next time we see each other, I’m a little more put together.”

“I think you’re exactly the way a man should be after going through what you went through.” Riley offered his hand. “Take it easy.”

Finn shook it. “You too.”

“I will.” Riley turned to me and hesitated. “Carrie? Want to walk me out?”

I looked at Finn. “I should probably—”

“You should walk him out.” Finn let go of me and stepped back, running his hand over his head. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right here when you get back.”

I didn’t want to leave him, but I couldn’t refuse. That would be rude. “All right.”

Riley started for the door, and I fell in to step with him. As we turned the corner, I peeked over my shoulder. Finn stood exactly where I’d left him. All alone.

“He’s having a hard time,” Riley said under his breath. “Be patient. I had a buddy come back from Iraq like this. He was drinking. Having panic attacks. It lasted for a long time. If he’d had someone who loved him the way you love Finn, then maybe…” Riley shook himself. “Keep being loving and kind, like you’re doing. Don’t let your dad tell you Finn needs space. He doesn’t. He needs you.”

I blinked back tears. “Finn thinks I’m better off without him, though. He told me so.”

“Right now, he thinks it’s true. Men like him push away their loved ones. They think they’re failures and not good enough to be loved.” Riley opened the front door and grabbed his coat. I followed him outside, hugging myself. “He will keep pushing you away. Just keep pulling him closer.”

I nodded and swallowed hard. “I’m trying.”

When we reached the front of his car, Riley brushed a finger across my cheek. It came back wet. I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying. “Keep trying. And if you need to vent, give me a call. I’m an excellent listener.”

I nodded and forced a smile. “Thank you. You’re a good friend.”

“I know,” he teased. “You’d be a fool to not take me up on that offer. I’m a catch.”

“Yeah, you are.” I laughed. “I should hook you up with someone from my dorm.”

“I don’t know about that. I’m not ready for love yet.”

“You still love your ex?”

He hesitated and avoided my eyes. “Yeah. Something like that.”

“Well, when you’re ready.”

“It’s a plan.” He opened his car door and started to get in. “Bye, Carrie.”

“Wait.” I stepped closer. “How long did it take your friend to get better?”

“He didn’t. He shot himself in the head a month and two days after he came back home. I found him that way.” Riley met my eyes. “Take care of him, Carrie. And watch him closely.”

I nodded and walked backward as I watched Riley get into the car, eager to get back to Finn. God, just the thought of him doing something like that…

I couldn’t even think it.

Chapter Six – Finn

Ring, ring, ring.

No matter how many times I called, the result hadn’t changed. Dad’s voicemail picked up, announcing joyfully that he couldn’t come to the phone right now. I sighed and hung up without leaving a message. I’d already left him one. The snow kept coming down heavier and heavier, and it would only get worse after sunset.

Hell, even Riley was leaving.

I walked to the window and peeked through it, watching them like a voyeur. Riley had pulled his car up when they’d been carrying the tree inside, so I could see them perfectly from where I stood. When Riley reached out and touched her face, I wanted to scream at him to back the f**k off my girl, but I didn’t. I just watched.

They looked good together.

Pushing away from the window, I straightened my spine and grabbed my pills off the table, staring down at the small orange bottle. It was time for another dose, judging from the pain ripping through me.

“You need help with that?” Carrie’s mom asked hesitantly.