Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(23)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

I looked down at the bottle in my hand. “What if the pain gets worse later?”

“It’s going to get worse. There’s no way it won’t.” He looked back at me, his eyes solemn and way too somber. “But if they’re here, I’ll find a reason to take them, and then I’ll turn into a raging f**k-head again. I’m done with those, and I’m done with drinking. I’m just done with it all.”

I blinked rapidly, trying to fight back the tears of relief I felt. For a while there, I’d been worried he might become addicted to the escape the pills and booze gave him. I worried he might fall apart, and there would be nothing I could do to save him. But he was saving himself. Thank God.

“Okay. I’ll get rid of them.”

“Thank you.” He held out his hurt hand, and I latched on to his wrist so he could pull me up to my feet without too much pain. “For everything.”

I reached up on tiptoe and kissed him. I’d expected him to be a mess this morning, but if anything, he seemed stronger than before. More determined to be the man he wanted to be. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. “You ready?”

“Yeah. My dad wouldn’t have wanted me to fall apart. I promised him—” His voice broke, and he stopped talking. He ran his hand over his head, watching me. “I promised him I’d pull myself together and stop being an ass. I’m starting now. It’s what he would have wanted.”

I rested my hand over his heart. “He was very proud of you. You know that, right?”

“I know he was proud of me.” He closed his eyes. “But he wasn’t proud of the man I’d become since I came back home.”

The thin wound that ran down his forehead looked more pronounced this morning. I reached out and traced my hand over it. “I think you’re wrong. He knew you were in there, and he knew what you were going through—what you went through to get back here. He didn’t judge you at all.”

He caught my hand, trapping my fingers against his jagged gash. “He didn’t, but I did.” He gave me an inscrutable look and released his hold on my hand. I didn’t miss the pain that crossed his eyes at the movement. “Let’s brush our teeth, then we’ll go down. There’s a lot to get done today. I have to contact the church, get a coffin, write a eulogy…”

I nodded. “One step at a time, together. Okay? First step? Teeth.”

“Okay.” He kissed the top of my head. “Let’s go.”

I followed him out of his room. For a second, just a second, I wanted to grab him, shove him back inside the bedroom, and lock the door. Inside here, he was just my Finn. It was the only place where we felt and acted normal. As soon as we got out there, with my parents and the rest of the world, there was no telling what would happen.

And selfishly…I wanted to keep him just like this.

Chapter Ten – Finn

“That one.” I pointed to the wooden casket at the end of the row, my throat tight and my arm throbbing like hell. Everything hurt, but I refused to ask Carrie to get my prescription refilled. I deserved the pain. Every. Fucking. Second. It fueled me. Made me put one foot in front of the other. Distracted me from the real pain that was killing me.

The pain of losing my father.

Carrie tightened her fingers on mine. “It’s beautiful. He would have loved it.”

“Thanks.”

I closed my eyes for a second. It was ridiculous that people spent so much damn time picking out a casket based on what the dead person lying in it would have liked. They wouldn’t ever see it—so why the hell did it matter if it was the right color? Or if it had top-of-the-line pillows? They wouldn’t feel a f**king thing.

They were blissfully, blessedly unaware of all these proceedings. If Father Thomas was to be believed, Dad was in a much better place now. He was with Mom in heaven, smiling down on me. I’d rather they got their asses back down here with me. That way I wouldn’t be the only one left.

Senator Wallington pulled the man aside and spoke to him in a low tone. He’d come along with us, and kept adding things—then insisting to pay since he’d “adjusted” the order. I knew what he was doing. He was taking care of the bills for me, but trying to do so in a way that I wouldn’t take offense.

I gritted my teeth and looked down at Carrie, forcing a smile. If it was the last thing I did, I wouldn’t let her know how f**ked up I was right now. Oh, who was I kidding? She knew. She’d seen me last night. I still couldn’t believe I’d let myself break like that, and in the process broken so many things in that damn bedroom. I could have hurt someone—hell, I could have hurt Carrie.

I would f**king walk away before I ever, ever let myself hurt her.

End of story.

I looked into her eyes, trying to latch on to the serenity that I usually felt. She looked different today. She’d put on makeup, even blush. Was she trying to look less exhausted for my behalf? If so, she was failing. I knew how tired she was because she’d been taking care of me. Well, no more.

Tonight, I’d make sure she went to bed at a decent time.

“All right. We’re all settled.” Senator Wallington came over. “I added a few things to the order, so I paid for the coffin myself. I hope you don’t mind.”

Enough. “Sir, I can’t let you keep doing that. I have money, and I can—”

He held a hand up. “You caught me. I promised him I’d take care of the bills when his time came. I won’t break that promise, no matter how much you hate it. Besides, last time I checked, you were too injured to work. You’ll need to save money, since you don’t know how long you’ll be unemployed.”

I flushed. I hadn’t even considered the fact that I couldn’t do my job anymore. Or was that not what he meant? Was he suggesting I was fired from being Carrie’s bodyguard not because of my injury, but because of our relationship? No one would guard her better than me, damn it.

My own life depended on her survival.

“Dad, he can still guard me.” Carrie frowned at him. “An injury won’t stop him from babysitting me for you.”

“Oh, and how would he stop a kidnapper with a broken arm and a mangled hand?” Her dad cocked his head. “Will he kick them? Shout for help?”

Carrie glared at him. “He’ll heal.”

“Yeah, but until then, he can’t work as a guard.” He looked over his shoulder while straightening his tie. “Besides, contracts were broken and lies were told. I’m still not sure what I’m doing about that yet, but now isn’t the time or place to discuss this. All I was saying was that I was paying, and I wouldn’t take no for an answer. That’s it.”