Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(24)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

I inclined my head, not dropping his stare. “Yes, sir.”

I practically spit out that last word. Fuck, I needed a drink. I understood what he wasn’t saying: I wasn’t getting my job back. I’d lied to him. Fallen for his daughter. Lied some more. And then gone crazy. It wasn’t exactly a shocker that I’d lost my job.

“We’ll talk later,” the senator repeated.

“No need. I understand completely.”

Carrie might not realize it, but I’d known all along how this would end when he found out about us. I’d be fired and looking for a new job. It’s why I’d left on that assignment in the first place. Why I’d tried to better myself, only to end up broken and damaged.

Carrie shook her head. “This isn’t over, Dad.”

“This has absolutely nothing to do with you, and like I said—” He motioned security over. Cortez and Morris walked over our way, their expressions solemn. “It’s not the time or the place.”

After Cortez nodded at me, he turned to Senator Wallington. “What can I do for you, sir?”

“You’re going to leave with me,” he paused, “and Morris?”

Morris stepped forward. “Yes, sir?”

“You stay with them.”

Carrie stiffened. “We don’t need a guard.”

“It’s fine,” I said, catching the senator’s eyes. He didn’t trust me around his daughter anymore. That much was clear. And honestly? I didn’t blame him. “I can’t protect you, Carrie. He’s right.”

He was so f**king right.

“I don’t want anyone watching me besides Finn,” Carrie protested. She shot Morris a smile. “No offense, but I’ve already got my—”

“No.” Senator Wallington balled his fists, his face turning an alarming shade of red. “I’ve put up with a lot from you, Carrie, but this is not up for debate. Morris stays.”

I squeezed Carrie’s hand. She was about to start a fight, right here in the f**king casket store, for the love of God. “It’s fine, Carrie. He’s right.”

She whirled on me, eyes narrowed. “No, he’s not. You wouldn’t let anything happen to me.”

“I’m not quite myself.” I smiled, even though I wanted to f**king scream. “You can’t deny that.”

She hesitated. “But still…”

“It’s just for now. Things will go back to normal after I heal. Isn’t that right, sir?”

Senator Wallington met my eyes. “Right.”

“See?” I let go of her hand. “Where are you going, sir?”

“I’m going to stop at my office on the way home. I’ll be home in time for dinner.” He hesitated. “Riley might be stopping by. He heard about your father, and wants to give his condolences.”

“Excellent.”

“That might not be the best idea,” Carrie said, looking at me. “You might need some down time.”

“Then he can keep you company.” I smiled again. It f**king hurt to smile when everything was breaking inside me. I wasn’t worried about her and Riley. I trusted her, and that meant I had to trust him, too. “My head is killing me, so I do need to rest. It’ll be good to know you have a friend nearby while I’m sleeping.”

She bit her lower lip. “All right, if that’s what you want.”

I didn’t. What I wanted was a f**king drink, but I couldn’t have that, could I?

So I nodded. “It’s what I want.”

The next day was Dad’s funeral. It was cold, dark, depressing, and f**king hard to get through. There were tons of people there. People I’d known over the years. People Dad knew. And then friends of the senator. We’d actually had to turn some people away, as we couldn’t all fit inside.

It should make me feel happy to know so many people cared about him, but instead I felt empty. I sat in a room surrounded by people who cared about my dad, but there were only two people in this room who actually gave a damn about me—and one of them was in the coffin at the front of the room.

People came to say goodbye to my dad, but every once in a while, I heard someone laugh as they caught up on the “good old times.” I wasn’t f**king laughing. I hadn’t laughed since the night before my dad died.

Hell, I didn’t know if I’d ever laugh again.

After I delivered my eulogy, which I’d managed to get through without breaking down, I stared at the open casket as Father Thomas droned on and on about redemption, heaven, and hell. I couldn’t take my eyes off Dad, knowing it was the last time I’d ever get to see his face again. I think part of me was hoping this was all a dream or some shit like that. Like he’d pop up and be all, “Ha! I tricked you, didn’t I?”

But he didn’t move. He was really gone.

I clung to Carrie’s hand, my dry eyes stinging. She sniffed beside me, tears running down her cheeks, and I almost envied her. I couldn’t let myself go again. Couldn’t release the grief. Look what had happened last time. So I sat there, staring straight ahead, and pretended I was anywhere but here. Surfing. Riding my bike. Laughing with Carrie on my lap.

Some undetermined amount of time later, Carrie shook my knee. “Finn? You ready?”

I blinked, looking around in surprise. The room was empty. Only Carrie and I remained. We sat in the middle of the front row, and everyone else waited outside. I could see them through the window. Waiting for the next step—the gravesite. “N-No. I’ll never be ready.”

“Take your time.” She didn’t let go of me. If anything, she held on tighter. “They can wait for you.”

“Fuck.” I swallowed hard. “I have to say goodbye now, don’t I?”

She nodded slowly. All traces of her tears were gone, and she looked at me with clear eyes. “Yes. You have to say goodbye.”

I looked over at the casket. After he was in the ground…what then? I just went about my life acting as if I was normal when I wasn’t? “This sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.” She kissed my temple. “Do you want to say goodbye alone?”

I thought about it before nodding. “Wait for me outside?”

“Always.” She let go of me and started for the door. She wore a black dress and a black pair of heels. Her long red hair fell down her back freely, and she looked gorgeous. “And Finn?”

I stood up and straightened my black suit jacket. “Yeah?”