Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(25)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

“You’re not alone. You have me.”

My heart clenched tight. She was right, and I knew it, but I still felt alone. I was the only family member left. My grandparents were long gone. And now my parents, too. But I didn’t say any of that. “I love you.”

She smiled sadly, her red lips parting to show her perfect white teeth. She had a lot of makeup on again today. “I love you, too.”

After she left, I turned to my father. The undertaker nodded at me and retreated to the back of the room to give me privacy. He joined the group of pallbearers, talking quietly. They all gave me their backs. I was alone. It was time to accept it.

I walked up to the casket slowly, each step taking longer than the next. By the time I reached the side and knelt beside it, my feet felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds each and my palms were sweating. I reached out and held his hand with my only semi-functioning hand. It didn’t feel like his skin, and yet it did. “I’m going to miss you, Dad.”

He didn’t reply, obviously, but I swore his fingers tightened on mine.

“I’m going to go to school. I’ll make you proud. I know I made a big mess of things. I know I screwed everything up.” I looked up at the window. Carrie stood there, next to her parents. Riley was with her. I tore my eyes away. “But I did some things right lately. I know what I have to do, and I’m going to do it.”

I looked at my dad again. He was pale and lifeless, but he was still here. And soon…he wouldn’t be. “I wish you hadn’t left me. Everyone is dying. Everyone but me. I just don’t get it. It’s not fair.”

I swallowed past my throbbing throat. Visions of Dad teaching me how to drive hit me. “Remember when you used to blare the radio and crank the windows down when you were teaching me how to drive? That way when I mastered driving with the music blaring, nothing would faze me after that.” I let out a small laugh. “And you used to sing Tom Petty at the top of your lungs, your face glowing every time I mastered a new skill, and I told you I was going to pretend like I didn’t know you if you didn’t quiet down.” I cleared my throat. “I never would have done that to you. I loved you then for being so silly and free, and I love you even more now. Just thought you should know that.”

I dropped my head onto the side of the casket, swallowing hard. “And I keep remembering how you looked the day I went away to boot camp. You looked so proud of me that day—the proudest I’ve ever seen you look. Your eyes were all bright and shiny with tears, and you smiled throughout the whole damn ceremony.” I lifted my head, my eyes stinging. “You haven’t looked at me once like that since we got back to D.C. I’m sorry I let you down. So sorry—”

I broke off. Knowing he’d died while being disappointed in me killed me. He might not have told me as much, but I’d seen it in his eyes that last night we had together. Heard it in his voice. He’d wanted me to do better, and I hadn’t had the chance to do so. His last memory of me would be me as a pill-popping drunk.

I curled my hurt hand into a fist, grimacing through the pain. I deserved it. “I love you, Dad. And I’ll never stop loving you. Never stop missing you. I’m sorry I f**ked it all up, but I’ll fix it. I promise.”

Was it just me, or had someone touched me on the back? I looked, but I was still alone. I gave my dad one last look, stood up, cleared my throat, and nodded at the men in the back of the room. “I’m done. He’s all yours.”

I walked out the door, my eyes scanning the crowd until I found her. As I walked toward Carrie, I heard whispers of “the heir” dating “the help,” and I knew they were talking about Carrie and me. Someone snickered and replied about how it was fun “to date below rank sometimes,” but that it “wouldn’t last past the grieving.”

Fuck them. Fuck them all.

Riley bent down to Carrie, talking to her quietly, and she shook her head. I approached slowly, not wanting to interrupt the two people in this room who everyone would agree was a perfect match. She must have sensed me coming, because she broke off midsentence and rushed to my side.

“You okay?”

No. “Yeah.”

She claimed my hand again. It hurt like hell, but I didn’t care.

I needed her too badly to let go yet.

Chapter Eleven – Carrie

I walked into the empty family room, a glass of water in my hand, and sat down on the edge of the couch. The whole day had been nonstop mingling, comforting, crying, and then more crying. Finn had gone upstairs to lie down for a few minutes, and I’d escaped the crush of people still hanging around our house.

I wish I could have lain down, too, but my mom would’ve had a heart attack if I escaped mid-party. Bad manners and all that jazz. I finished off my water, set it down, and laid back against the couch. Silence. Silence was good. The door opened behind me and I leapt to my feet, forcing a smile to my face. When I saw it was Riley and my dad, I let the smile slide away and sank down on the cushions. “Oh, it’s you guys.”

“You sound disappointed.” Riley sat beside me, amusement in his eyes. “Were you hoping for someone else? Maybe someone with tattoos?”

I shook my head. “He’s resting. He just went upstairs.”

“That’s good,” Riley said.

Dad opened the liquor cabinet. “Riley, would you like a—?” He squinted. “Oh, wait. My scotch is missing. Maybe Griffin took it up with him.”

“No. He’s not drinking anymore.” I looked down at my lap. “He stopped after Larry died.”

“Uh…” Dad closed the cabinet, a bottle of whiskey and two glasses in his hands. “I thought I saw him drinking last night. Are you sure?”

I swallowed hard. He’d sworn he wasn’t drinking anymore, so that didn’t sound right. “I’m positive he isn’t drinking. He’s not even taking pills anymore. I flushed them all.”

Dad and Riley exchanged a long glance. “Okay,” Dad said.

“I, for one, haven’t seen him drinking today,” Riley said, offering me a smile. “Maybe you were mistaken after all, Mr. Wallington.”

“Yes. Maybe.” He poured two glasses of whiskey, putting the bottle back into the cabinet. After handing the glass to Riley, he headed for the door. “I’ll leave you two alone. If I don’t go back to help with the guests, your mother will kill me.”

I looked at Riley and rolled my eyes. It was clear he’d brought Riley in here just for this purpose—to leave us alone together. Once the door closed behind him, Riley shoved his glass at me. “Drink it. You need it more than I do.”