Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(30)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

I couldn’t believe it. It was over. He was gone.

Our first fight. Our first kiss. The way he’d laughed at the movie we’d watched that first night we spent together. Him on our “Christmas night,” so stoic and scared, but determined to better himself for me. It was all gone. All a memory.

I shouldn’t have let him go overseas. That had been my first mistake. My second had been blindly believing in love. I wouldn’t be making that mistake again.

Love obviously didn’t conquer all.

By the time I finished sobbing all over Mom, she was soaked and I was exhausted. I pulled away from her and avoided her eyes, feeling like a child all over again. “Thanks, Mom. I’m okay now.”

Only I wasn’t. Not at all.

“Our first heartbreak is always the toughest.” She tucked my hair behind my ear and gave me a small smile. “It’ll get better.”

I swallowed hard, looking away. I didn’t want to talk about it. It hurt too much. “I think I’m going to stay up here for the rest of the night, if you don’t mind? I’m not fit company.”

“That’s fine, dear. People are clearing out now.” She stood up. “I’ll get you some cookies and milk. That always makes you feel better.”

That might have worked for scraped knees and bad dreams, but nothing would fix this. I smiled anyway. “Yeah. That sounds lovely.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back. Why don’t you get more comfortable?”

I nodded, not saying anything. As soon as the door closed behind her, I ripped the stupid black dress off and threw it across the room. Next went my bra, my panties, my tights. Everything had to go. Everything that reminded me of this day.

I hated him a little bit right now. I loved him. But, God, I hated him too.

I stood naked in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I looked a little bit crazy right now, with black mascara running down my cheeks and my hair a hectic, frizzy mess. All I wore was the tattoo I’d gotten for Finn—which he’d never gotten to see—and the necklace he gave me.

I closed my fingers around the clasp, ready to take it off…

But I couldn’t.

He might not love me anymore, but God, I loved him so much. I ran my fingers over the sun pendant before pulling pajamas out of my closet. I barely had them on when the knock sounded on the door. I sat down on the bed and started twisting my hair into a ponytail. “Come in.”

The door cracked open, but instead of my mother, Riley poked his head in. I wanted to tell him to f**k off, channeling Finn one last time, but it wasn’t his fault Finn kept saying Riley was better for me. It wasn’t his fault Finn didn’t love me anymore.

“Hey,” I said, my voice coming out hoarse and kind of frog-like. “You leaving?”

He came inside, leaving the door wide open, carrying a tray of cookies and milk. “Yeah, I’m about to head out, but your mom asked me to bring these up real quick.” He set them on my nightstand, his green eyes studying me. “You okay?”

I laughed. It sounded foreign to my ears. “Do I look okay?”

“It’s Finn, isn’t it? You got in a fight because of the bruise. Maybe I could talk to him?” Riley shoved his hands into his pockets. “See if he needs a guy’s perspective on things? It might help.”

I looked down at my lap, wringing my hands into knots. “He doesn’t love me anymore, and he blames me for his injuries. For his dad…for all of it…”

Riley’s eyes went wide. “What? Bullshit. He loves you.”

“No, he doesn’t.” I bit down hard on my lower lip. “He told me he doesn’t love me. We’re done. I wanted to be with him the rest of my life, and now it’s over. Just like that. Gone. Dead.”

“Shit.” Riley hesitated for a second. He sat on the bed beside me and pulled me into his arms, but not too close. “I’m sorry. Are you sure he meant it? Maybe he just thinks he isn’t good enough for you anymore, and is pushing you away. It’s standard PTSD behavior.”

I shook my head, blinking back tears. I refused to cry again. Finn had made me cry too much as it was. I knew why he was being this way, and I even understood it. But it didn’t mean I had to roll over and accept it without feeling mad, hurt, and betrayed. This sucked. “He looked me in the eye and said it to my face. It’s over.”

Riley smoothed my frizzy hair back. “I know how you feel right now, but it’ll get better. Over time, it’ll hurt less.”

I fought the urge to throat punch him for that platitude. It wouldn’t get better, and it wouldn’t fade. It would always hurt, like a festering, open wound that never healed. Did anyone realize how much I needed Finn? This wasn’t puppy love, and it wasn’t infatuation. It was soul-searching, heartbreaking, undying love.

“Yeah, I don’t think it will. But thanks anyway, Riley.”

I pulled back and looked into his eyes. He gazed at me with so much compassion that for a second, only a second, I wished I could have fallen in love with him instead. He was so nice. So perfect. I could totally see why Finn wanted me to be with Riley.

Too bad he didn’t get to pimp me out like a rental doll.

Riley patted my head. “Give it time. You’ll go back to school, hang out with friends, and it’ll all fade away to a painful memory.”

I nodded, not having it in me to argue anymore, and swiped my hands across my damp cheeks. “I’m sorry you had to witness all this drama.”

“It’s fine. We’re friends, and friends help each other out.” He pointed at the plate. “They also share their cookies with each other, and those look delicious. So…?”

Despite the blinding pain I was in, I laughed. I actually laughed. “Fine.”

Reaching out, I grabbed a cookie for the both of us. We ate in silence. What would Finn do now? Where would he go? Would I ever see him again? Did he really not love me? How could something so strong and real die so fast?

I guess I’d never find out.

Riley took his last bite and dusted off his hands. “Well, I guess I’ll get going. Remember, this too shall pass.”

Another useless platitude. My fingers twitched with the urge to maim him. “Yeah. Sure.” I finished my cookie, my eyes on the door. “I can’t believe I’m going back to Cali alone. That he’s not going to be there…”

“Hey, I’ll see you in California, don’t forget. You won’t be all alone. I’m not that far away. We could get together over the weekends and drink the pain away.”