Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(31)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

“Yeah.” I nodded without really listening. My mind was on Finn. “That’ll be fun.”

He walked past me, dropping a brotherly kiss on the top of my head. “Rest up. It’ll look better in the morning.”

I highly doubted that.

Finn

This was the end. There was no coming back from this.

She could never love me again after what I’d done. What I’d said. I’d had a similar thought before, when she’d found out who I really was in California. Back then, I’d still been naïve enough to think we could be together. That had been before I morphed into a monster who hurt everyone I loved.

It had been before I became…me.

“You need to cool it,” Senator Wallington snapped. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is the alcohol talking, but you’re done treating my daughter this way. And I’m cutting you off too.”

Senator Wallington snatched the whiskey up and held it against his chest, making sure I didn’t get another glass, I could only assume. He didn’t need to worry. I didn’t want any more. She was gone, so there was no one left to horrify. I didn’t need to make her hate me anymore. She already did. “Don’t worry. I’ll be gone soon.”

“Carrie loves you, and you’re being an idiot.” The senator shook his head. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you need to snap out of it before it’s too late.”

I laughed. “Now you’re championing us?”

“No, I’m championing her. She loves you, and you broke her heart just now.” He cocked his head, his gaze scanning over mine. “How’s that feel?”

“Like f**king hell,” I rasped, curling my hand into a fist. “But she’ll realize I did her a favor once she moves on. I hurt her. You see that mark on her face? It’s from me. I did that.”

Senator Wallington stiffened. “Excuse me?”

“The night my dad died. Something I did hit her.” I tightened my fist. “I hurt her.”

His eyes narrowed on me. “In that case, maybe you’re right. Maybe you need more help than we can give you. Go find—”

“Save your words of wisdom for someone else. I don’t need them anymore.” I laughed harshly. “And, hey, she can marry Riley now. Have trust fund babies who don’t have a daddy with tattoos behind them. That should make you happy.”

The senator shifted on his feet. “You know that’s not true. If I wasn’t okay with you being here, you wouldn’t be here, damn it. What would your father say about how you’re acting right now?”

“Don’t.” I took a step toward him, fury raging through me. It felt better than the agony. “You don’t get to say that to me. He knew I was messed up, and he told me to stop hurting her. Now I am, because we’re done. She’ll move on, and I’ll…I’ll…” I’d go crawl into a hole somewhere and forget the world existed. “I’ll be fine, too.”

The senator scowled at me. “Go to bed. Talk to her in the morning when you’re sober. And if you don’t want to fix this, get the hell out of my house before dawn. She doesn’t need to see you again.”

I stormed past him. Every step I took felt harder than the last, because I knew if I was going to follow through on my promise to stop hurting her, I needed to leave before I caved. Senator Wallington was right. I needed to leave tonight.

I went outside, ready to run away right then and there, but I had too much shit upstairs in my room. I’d have to get at least some of it if I wanted to make a clean break. I sank down to the ground and covered my face with my hand, unable to believe that my life had come to this. How had this happened?

How had I lost her too? I had nothing left.

No reason to go on living.

I’d turned into a drugged-out, alcoholic, raging lunatic—and I’d hurt Carrie in more ways than one. I’d never wished I was dead more than in this moment.

Some unknown amount of time later, I stood up and went back inside. I passed Riley on the stairs, only just managing to hide my surprise at seeing him coming down from the direction of Carrie’s room. Irrational, misplaced jealousy hit me in the gut. I nodded at him. “Hey.”

“Did you mean it?” Riley asked, his voice hard. “Do you actually not love her anymore?”

I stopped mid-step, my hand tight on the banister. So. Carrie had already told him about the breakup. That hadn’t taken long. Again with the jealousy. I wanted to take a swing at him. Kick his ass until he couldn’t stand up. I didn’t. “I really don’t see how it’s any of your business. We broke up. That’s all that matters.”

“Ah, but you see, it’s not.” Riley crossed his arms. “I had a friend with PTSD once, you know.”

I shrugged. “Your point?”

“He killed himself after pushing all of his loved ones away.” Riley laid a hand on my shoulder, and I swallowed hard. Shrugging free, I gave him a look that clearly told him to keep his hand to himself. “Don’t be him. Don’t do anything stupid. If you love her, don’t let her go. And don’t think you can let her go and then sweep back into her life when you’re all better. Someone else will snatch her up, and it’ll be too late. She’ll have a long line of guys waiting for her to get over you.”

I cocked a brow at him, but damn it, he was right. Just the thought of her being with someone else tasted bad in my mouth. “Will you be the first in that line?”

Riley twisted his lips. “If I thought I stood a chance in hell? Yeah. But she loves you, and you’re an idiot to throw it all away.”

Again. He was right. But so was I. This was the right thing to do. I was sure of it. I kept dragging her down, drowning her slowly. It was time to sink alone. “Then I guess you’ll win in the end, because I’m not changing my mind. I’m no good for her like this.” I caught his gaze. “But if you manage to get her to fall for you, you damn well better take good care of her, or you’ll answer to me.”

With that, I climbed the rest of the way up the stairs. When I opened my bedroom door, I stopped in the frame, one foot in and one foot out. She was there, in my room. The first thing I noticed was that she’d changed into pajamas. The second? That she wasn’t crying anymore. She didn’t look pissed, though. She just looked empty.

She looked up when I came into the room, her ravaged face sending a fist of pain through my chest. The black makeup that had streamed down her cheeks like a child’s first finger painting had been washed off at some point. Christ, I couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t keep f**king hurting her. I closed the door behind me and collapsed against it.