Providence

“Are you?”

He shrugged. “I need to. I was going to ask for your help.”

“You need more help than I can give you, but I’l do my best.”

Ryan kept his hands in his pockets, angling his face towards the sunshine. He looked truly happy, and I felt a warm tinge in my chest. I was hopeful that we could remain in each other’s lives, after al .

“It’s nice today. I could grab a blanket and we could hang out on the greens,” he said, purposeful y bumping into me.

Jared waiting for me came to the forefront of my mind, but I didn’t want to spoil Ryan’s buoyant mood. We walked a few more steps as I decided how I should explain to him why I wouldn’t. I had experienced normal, the normal I had been desperate for, and yet I found myself giddy at the thought of seeing Jared again.

“It’s okay if you can’t. I’l see you tonight.” Ryan said, squinting as he looked to the sky again. I was thankful that his radiant grin hadn’t faded.

I smiled in response and he pul ed me into his side, kissing my forehead.

“Later, Nigh,” he said before turning toward his dorm.

I pul ed in a big, cleansing breath of air. I felt renewed and rejuvenated. Even with the frightening things that lurked in the shadows, something had made it al disappear. I quickened my pace, eager to see Jared again. He was the only thing that could make my afternoon better.

The door was cracked when I arrived, and I pushed it open to find Jared looking out of the opened slits of the window blind. A smile immediately streaked across my face.

“Did you have a good time?” he asked, not turning around.

I walked up behind him, wrapped my arms tightly around his middle and squeezed. He folded his arms over mine.

“As if you have to ask. You should have joined us,” I said, closing my eyes and taking in his wonderful scent. When he didn’t respond, I released my grip on him and walked around to see the perfection of his features. His eyes were bright and cloudless like the sky outside, but they seemed sad.

“I didn’t want to interrupt.”

I smoothed the barely noticeable wrinkle between his eyebrows. “It would have been better had you shown up.”

He looked away for a moment. “You don’t need me with you every second, Nina. You seem happier sometimes when I’m not.”

“You think because you sensed that I was happy this afternoon it was because you weren’t there? Don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded.

“I think it’s good for you to spend time with your friends. I loved watching you laugh with them. You haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” he said as a smal smile materialized on his face. It looked unnatural against the worried set of his eyes.

I hopped on one foot to pul off one boot and then repeated the process with the other. My feet felt as if I’d been trudging through a swamp from the uncharacteristical y warm weather outside.

“Jared, what is it? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” he shifted. “Can we not talk about this?”

“I want to know,” I said, keeping myself in his line of sight.

Jared sighed and cringed at the words he was about to speak. “I’m glad that you’re happy you and Ryan are friends again. Believe me when I say that as long as it makes you happy, I want that for you. But I’m in love with you, Nina. I can’t help but be a little worried knowing what I know.”

“I don’t feel that way about him, Jared. You have to sense that,” I said, touching his arm.

“I know,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tight. “I don’t think it wil ever become easier to watch him make you laugh, though.”

He relaxed his face and tried another reassuring smile, but it fel short.

I raised one eyebrow. “Jared Ryel, are you jealous?”

Jared raked his hair with his fingers and let them slide to his neck, rubbing it nervously. “You asked, Nina. I told you the truth.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You’re jealous.”

He shook his head no. “I’m…,” he pressed his lips together and shook his head yes with a few quick jerks, “a little jealous, yeah.”

“Oh.”

Jared positioned himself in front of me and cupped my shoulders. “I don’t want to lose you. Especial y after the morning we had compared to your afternoon with him. It wouldn’t take much more of that for you to question why you chose me.”

My feelings had betrayed me. Jared’s connection to me had become stronger, and he could feel my relief to be around Ryan. He sensed the contentment I’d experienced at lunch. My stomach reeled with guilt for indulging in such emotions. Nothing could compensate for the love and safety I felt with Jared.

My eyes fel to the floor when I realized how it must have hurt him. I was bathing in my temporary liberation from the madness that had exploded around me, and he must have thought I was glad to be free of him.

He could sense my feelings, but he didn’t know the motivation behind them.

I continued to look down, picking at my nails as an excuse. “It was nice to have a little normal today, Jared. I do enjoy spending time with Ryan…with al of my friends,” I looked to his face to gauge his reaction. “But do you honestly think I would trade being with you for one sil y afternoon?”

Jared didn’t speak for a long while. I watched as several emotions scrol ed over his face; he seemed to appreciate what I was trying to say, but I could see the turmoil in his eyes.

Jared shook his head and tensed his arms around me. “When I’m with you, Nina…you’re the only thing that gives me peace. It seems like I’m the opposite for you.”

“It doesn’t always seem like you’re al that happy and peaceful with me,” I pointed out.

Jared’s face crumpled. “I don’t want you to think that. I said this morning that I should have never sat on that bench…I didn’t mean it. That was the beginning of the best moments of my life.”

I pressed my cheek against his chest and relaxed into the heat that blazed through his t-shirt.

“Everything around us is crazy,” I said. “Being with you is the only thing that makes sense. You were so worried about the way I felt when I was with Ryan that you obviously missed the way I felt when I realized I was going to see you soon.”

That caught his attention. “When was that?”

“On my way here.”

“So that was about me? It wasn’t because you were with him?”Jared’s eyebrows pushed up and then pressed together, looking somewhat disconcerted and touched at the same time. Realization hit him and the tension melted from his eyes. A few seconds later, a wide grin flashed across his face.

“That makes me happy,” I said, matching his smile.

I leaned up on the bal s of my feet and kissed him. He tightened his grip around me and my feet slowly came off the floor. My lips were slow and deliberate. I wrapped my arms around his neck, happy that it was my turn to demonstrate my feelings with a kiss.

After a moment, he returned me to the floor. I pressed my forehead against his chest and sighed at the sil y misunderstanding. Jared was obviously more worried about my fate with Ryan than I thought.

I looked up at him. “If I’m happy when you’re not around, it’s because I’m thinking of you.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t say things the way I can?” he beamed.