Providence

He leaned in for a moment, waiting patiently.

I breathed out from my nose, letting my chest cave in. Something kept me where I stood, so it was the most I could move. Tears glossed over my eyes and I felt them burn, unable to close them or look away.

Ryan released my hips and took a few steps back, sitting on Beth’s bed. “Don’t worry, Nigh. I’m not going to make you choose. I’l let you decide.”

I couldn’t look at him. I found a spot on the door and stared at it, a tear final y escaping down my cheek. In that moment it seemed fate had made the choice for me.

“Would you say something already?” he begged.

I thought my eyes might bore a hole into the door when I heard three consecutive knocks. I wiped my face quickly, terrified of who might be on the other side.

Ryan stood up and put his hand on the knob.

Chapter Fourteen

Five Days

“And what have you two been doing in here?” Kim teased, walking through the door. She looked at me and made a face. “Have you been crying?”

She glared at Ryan, then. “Are you being a jerk?”

“She’s okay…I think,” he said, staring at me with a blank expression.

“I’m fine,” I said. I turned to the sink and splashed water over my reddened face. I twisted around to face them, drying my cheeks with a towel.

“You didn’t,” she said, turning to Ryan.

Ryan nodded and shrugged. “I had to tel her sometime.”

Kim looked at me. “And?”

“Don’t,” I said, glowering at her. There would be hours of explaining, but it wouldn’t be to Kim.

Kim’s eyes widened with innocent surprise. “Don’t what?”

“I’m not having this conversation right now.”

“Nina…,” Ryan began.

“Don’t Nina me. You show up here, unannounced, and then…say al this stuff that I’m not prepared for. Damn it, Ryan! You’re making this impossible!” I was so grateful for the anger that I didn’t stop to think if my words were making sense.

“I didn’t say anything you don’t already know,” he said, standing up.

I stomped over to the door and yanked it open. “I want both of you to leave.”

Kim tried not to laugh at my temper tantrum, and Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets.

“I’l see you at study group,” he murmured.

I slammed the door behind them and stood in place, trying to slow my pulse. Adrenaline pumped through me like I’d been in a physical altercation. I breathed in and out slowly and covered my face. That was it. Any chance we might have had to be friends was over.

My phone buzzed and I jumped. I hesitated before picking it up, and then peered at the lighted display.

It was Jared.

With each ring, I wil ed myself to answer it but couldn’t. The only explanation was the truth, and the truth would devastate him. The phone buzzed again, and I pressed the button, knowing if I didn’t answer he would end up outside my door. I wiped my face and tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Hel o?” I waited for a moment and my heart pounded through the silence.

“Are you okay?” he final y asked, the pain evident in his voice.

I pressed my lips together and clinched my eyes shut, trying not to cry. “I’m ready.”

There was a pause, and then Jared’s strained voice came across the receiver. “You’re ready for what?”

“I’m ready to move my stuff…I’m not going to study group, so I can help you. We can have my things moved by ten and we can go to bed and forget this ever happened. I won’t talk to him, I won’t go near him. I swear I won’t.” I tried to sound optimistic, but my voice broke over and over.

I heard a frustrated sigh. “Nina, you can’t do that. He’s your friend.”

“Yes, I can. I wil ,” I promised.

I waited for him to tel me that he didn’t want a weak, faithless coward like me living with him, but he kept silent.

“You don’t want me now, do you?” I asked, struggling to keep calm.

He sighed. “I want you. I’l always want you. I want you here because you want to be, not because you want to prove something…to me or to yourself.

I don’t want you to come here because you don’t trust yourself there.”

I dropped the phone, covering my face with my hands. Why would he want me after what I had done? It was pathetic at best, and at worst it was dangerously close to being unfaithful.

I sat on my bed and rested my head on the pil ow, trying to cry quietly. I didn’t want Jared to hear and feel worse than he already did. Ten minutes later I heard a knock at the door. When I didn’t answer, it slowly opened. Jared stood at the door, looking as devastated as I felt.

“I love you,” he said.

I sat up and wiped my face, trying to look him in the eyes. He walked over to me and pul ed me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me.

“I want you to come home with me,” he said against my hair.

I nodded. It was the only thing I was capable of.

We kept pace with one another in silence down the hal . Jared didn’t reach for my hand; he simply walked beside me, opening the various doors for me as we walked to the Escalade. When he pul ed away from the curb I struggled to keep the tears at bay.

Jared reached over and gently placed his hand on mine. “Don’t cry,” he whispered.

I shut my eyes, praying he wouldn’t offer further comfort.

He drove to the loft and parked. Neither of us moved after he switched off the ignition.

“I can have Claire grab some of your things if you decide to stay,” he said, looking ahead.

“Do you want me to stay?” I looked down at our hands, afraid of his answer.

Jared’s eyes darted over to me. “Do you even have to ask?”

“You shouldn’t want me. I’m a horrible person. You must be so angry.”

“I’m not angry. You feel bad enough for the both of us,” he paused for a moment, and then continued. “This isn’t your fault. It’s not even his fault…I did this. You’re supposed to be with him,” he said, his voice breaking at the end.

“Don’t I have a say in who I want? Don’t I have a choice? I don’t feel that I do. Even you act as if I don’t. No matter what I do, I lose.”

“You don’t know that, Nina. I could just be in the way.”

I shook my head, refusing to even consider that.

Jared gently pul ed my chin to face him. “He said he wouldn’t make you choose. But if you don’t have a choice, I’m the one that loses. So I’m going to make you choose, Nina. Choose me. Please….choose me.” He shook his head. “I can’t live without you.”

I held his face and kissed him tenderly, pul ing back to look into his eyes. “I’ve already made my choice, Jared. I’l make it a thousand times if I have to.”

Jared buried his face into my chest and I held him to me, knowing he was as close to despair as I was. He had promised to fight fate for me, but I could see he was terrified that the fight wasn’t his at al —it was mine.

The next morning I felt marginal y better. The fact that Jared’s arms were around me made the world seem right again.

“How did you sleep?” he whispered.

I turned over and pressed my cheek into his chest. “Like a rock. I don’t remember fal ing asleep. How about you?”