Providence

“Than it already is? Original,” he snapped. “How are we supposed to go about this, Nina? I’m no longer al owed to speak to you or touch you? You expect me to go through that again?”

His pointed question sent a new bolt of guilt shooting through me, and I struggled to keep his pain from overriding the guilt that I felt at Lil ian’s.

“I don’t know what I expect, I just know this is too hard…it’s too…I’m going to get your family kil ed! Don’t you care about that?”

He rol ed his eyes. “You’re not going to get them kil ed. Three out of four of us are Half-breeds, Nina. Twelve wel -trained humans couldn’t make it out of our house alive, tonight. You don’t have to do this!”

“Hybrids,” I insisted. “Don’t fight me on this. You know I’m right. They know they can get at one of us with the other.”

“So we’l solve the problem, not run from it. I can’t believe you’re saying this,” he seethed. “You of al people, who stood in the freezing rain for fifteen minutes because you didn’t want to wait a few more days for me to appease your mother! Who sliced open your hand and nearly broke your arm because you had to talk to me! Two days ago we decided where our wedding wil be, Nina! You’re just going to walk away from everything we’ve been fighting for?”

I couldn’t argue, so I simply nodded my head.

Jared grabbed my shoulders. “I don’t believe you.”

“You said I needed normal.” I hesitated; my next words would cut him. “I can’t have a normal life with you.”

Jared’s eyes turned a midnight blue. “Don’t lie to me, Nina. You want out because you’re afraid something wil happen to my family if we stay together. I’m tel ing you, nothing’s going to happen. I’m asking you to trust me.”

I reached my hand up to touch his cheek; his jaws tensed under his skin. “Something wil happen. I don’t know what else to do, Jared. We both have to have some sort of a life.”

“I can’t have a life without you. I don’t want a life without you.” He swal owed hard. His face was locked in an agonizing expression.

I pressed my lips together, determined to make him believe the lie. “This isn’t how I want to live. The fear, the guilt, the looking over my shoulder. We can’t even be intimate.”

Jared took my hand and pressed his lips against my knuckles, closing his eyes tight. “Please…please don’t do this. I can’t go back to that.”

I almost gave in. I wanted to, but I stayed focused on the guilt I felt as I told Lil ian goodbye. “You have to go.” I placed the loft key in his palm.

“Nina…,” he choked, looking down at his hand as if I had placed a hot coal there.

I reached down to pul his ring from my finger and he grabbed both of my hands. His face crumpled as if he had taken al he could stand. “Don’t break your promise.”

I relaxed my hands down to my sides. He was right, I had promised.

Jared pul ed me into him by my shoulders and kissed me deeply—and I let him. I returned his kiss with the same sadness and fear. He held me so tightly I found it hard to breathe, but I didn’t care. I let him hold me and kiss me however he wanted. It would be our last night together.

He abruptly pul ed back, just a few inches, but kept me tightly in his arms. “I’l do what I have to do, Nina. If you want to go away, we’l go. If you need intimacy, I’l make love to you. I’l give you whatever you want. I’l give up everything I have. I’l give up my family. We can get in the car right now and just drive— I won’t even look back. Just don’t ask me to do this. I can’t do it. I can’t…,” he choked.

I pul ed away from his grip and opened the door. Jared pul ed me back into his arms and kissed me again. Once I felt the tears streak down my cheeks I pushed him away, but he kept me against him. I final y had to shove him again and again until he final y let go so that I could get through the door.

The steps to my room were endless. I stayed focused on my mission, refusing to fal apart. Jared had said it himself that he was wil ing to give up everything for me, including his family…and I couldn’t let him do that. I couldn’t let the Ryels get hurt because of me, whether it was physical y or from losing Jared. I couldn’t look Jared in the eye if he lost another person in his family because of the mistakes of my father.

I wiped my face and tucked my hair behind my ears before I opened the door. Beth sat at her computer.

“And she’s home!” Beth said excitedly, spinning around in her desk chair. Her tone quickly changed when she saw my face. “Oh my God, Nina! What’s wrong?”

“Jared and I are over,” I murmured, changing into my pajamas. I wanted to sleep. It was the only thing that would al eviate the wrenching pain in my ribs.

“Didn’t you meet his mother tonight? What happened?”

“Al hel broke loose,” I replied, scrubbing my face in the sink.

“Ugh! Why can’t Hel stay where it’s at? Why does it always have to break loose?” she whined.

I tried to smile at her, but my mouth wouldn’t cooperate. I couldn’t tel her the truth and I didn’t want to lie. “It just wasn’t working.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve been talking about forever with this guy.”

I looked up at the vent in the ceiling and then back to Beth. “It’s the only way I know how to save him.”

Beth grew quiet. “Save him from what?”

“Me.”

Chapter Sixteen

The Arrangement

“Just keep walking,” Beth said, coaxing me into class.

Jared stood against the wal beside the door. He didn’t speak or approach me; he only watched as Beth led me in. My chest ached at the exhausted look in his eyes. He hadn’t slept.

Day after day, Jared continued to wait at the doorway of any place necessary for me to enter. By the end of the week I would feel a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I was coming or going. Sometimes he watched me walk past, sometimes he kept his eyes to the ground, but he was always there.

The second week was more difficult than the first. Jared stil waited for me in random places on campus, and my friends began to ask questions.

Ryan guessed there was trouble and proceeded to gril me about the details. I was glad that he noticed it was too painful to discuss, and let me suffer in silence.

Jared’s eyes darkened from midnight blue to black each time he saw Ryan walking happily beside me. It was unfair to let his worst fear play out in front of him, and I regretted not explaining to him the night I ended things that he would never have to suffer through that. I couldn’t be with someone else knowing that I could never truly love them the way I should, least of al Ryan. He deserved someone’s whole heart, and I had left mine with Jared.

Ryan knocked on my door every day, several times a day to visit or walk me to class, and I welcomed the company. It was easier to function when I was around him; he became my main distraction from al things Jared. Any obligation I felt for him had disappeared. As more time passed, I realized it wasn’t just him; I didn’t feel anything around anyone. I concentrated so hard on keeping Jared from sensing my grief that I felt numb most of the time.

By the second week of April, I had learned to keep my emotions in check. Kim, Beth and I passed Jared on our way into the Ratty and as usual, but I couldn’t get quite past him without my eyes involuntarily glancing in his direction. When I did so, his eyes caught mine and for the first time in a month, he reached out and firmly pul ed my arm, bringing me just inches from his face.