Scarred (Scarred #1)(4)
Author: J.S. Cooper

But it didn’t make me proud or happy. It didn’t make me think I was a good man. It only emphasized to me just how f**ked up I was. And I was reliving those emotions all over again.

Why had I gone to Steak N Shake? I had known, as soon as I entered the restaurant, that something was different. And when I had turned around and seen her face, I had felt panicked. She had been staring at me like she knew everything. I couldn’t face her, so I had turned around quickly, heart straining from the pressure. I knew that I was going into panic mode as soon as I felt my body go cold. I had had to walk out of the restaurant quickly. I suppose I’m a sucker for drama, because I had walked past her table and smiled. She had looked at me like a lost lamb.

I was mad at myself for saying hi. I should have ignored her. But I couldn’t. Her brown eyes had stared at me with the same look they had had that night, all those years ago.

I felt like she knew. Which I knew wasn’t possible. There was no way that she could have known. For all I knew, she thought of me as her savior. That was how the evening had gone down after all. I had looked like the golden boy once again. But it had been my entire fault in the first place. But she had looked at me that night with such innocence and trust. That look had struck at my heart. It had pierced my hurt, evil veil and awakened me. And I thought that perhaps I had been given a second chance to make everything all right. And then the accident had happened. At least, they said it was an accident. I didn’t think it was. And that was my fault as well. And it was then that I knew I had to give my life. It was the least I could do. I had to go away and fight for my country and if I died, that would have been the least I could have done to atone for what I had done.

It had been a mistake for me to come back to Jonesville. It had brought back too many memories, memories I had spent the last four years trying to rid myself of. Only, the dull pain that lit up my heart was accompanied by something else, a strange emotion that I didn’t recognize. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out again. Darkness and then her face greeted me. The face that had haunted me every night of my stay away from this place. I couldn’t believe that I had seen her. Lexi Lord. The girl who had turned my world upside down.

My ringing phone interrupted me from my dark thoughts and I sighed when I saw Suzannah’s name. “Hello?” I tried to keep my tone upbeat.

“Bryce?” she giggled. I had no idea what was so funny.

“Yes?” I wasn’t going to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her know I knew it was her.

“It’s Suzannah.”

I didn’t answer and there was a moment of silence. “Your girlfriend.” She giggled again. “Well, your ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh, hi Suzannah.” I kept my tone polite.

“I heard you’re back in town?” Giggle.

“Yes.”

“You didn’t call?”

“Why would I call you?” My tone was not so pleasant. I couldn’t believe that she had the gall to act upset. She is the one who never once wrote me a letter or called me once I shipped off to boot camp. As soon as I announced I wasn’t going to Notre Dame, she had pretty much dumped me. I guess a boyfriend in the military hadn’t been a part of her plan.

“Oh Bryce, don’t be silly,” she giggled. “We loved each other once.”

I sighed and kept my mouth shut. Who was I to ruin her dream of the past? I wanted to tell her that sex wasn’t love, but I knew that was unkind and I was trying very hard to not be that person.

“Can I help you, Suzannah?”

“Well, Mary told me that your dad is going to have a party and I was wondering if you would be comfortable with me coming?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” My question was legitimate. It had been four years. I was over her betrayal by now. In fact, I was glad that she hadn’t waited for me.

“I’m sorry about Eddie.”

“It doesn’t matter.” My jaw clenched as she mentioned his name.

“Bryce, I hope you don’t blame me.” Her voice was serious now.

“Look, Suzannah. I don’t mind if you come to the party, okay? But I have to go.”

“Can I call you later?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” I sighed and hung up. I rubbed my throbbing temples and sighed. It had been a mistake coming back to Jonesville. A huge mistake. I had never planned on it. When I left, I had sworn that I would never go back again. But I couldn’t stop myself. Not when the letters had stopped coming. I knew I had to come back to town and find out whom the sender of the letters had been. Who the girl of my dreams was. The one who seemed to understand what it was like to be lost and lonely on the inside when everyone thought you had it together on the outside. I had no name to go by as she had signed her letters simply as Miss and I had no street address as she had used a PO Box.

My first mission was going to be trying to get the name of the person the PO Box belonged to and to take it from there. I had to know who the girl was who had made things bearable for me at war. Who the girl was who had crushed me when she had stopped writing. I’d sent exactly ten letters, that had gone unanswered, before I had given up. Part of me was scared that she had died, or that something bad had happened to her. I just wanted to make sure that she was okay.

At least, that was what I had told myself. Part of me thought I was in love with her. Though I’d never seen her. She had seemed to understand me, the real me. It was if she wouldn’t judge me for anything. I had wanted to tell her what had happened all those years ago. With Eddie. And with Lexi Lord. I had thought she could do what the marines and war hadn’t been able to do; allow me the opportunity to move on with my life. Allow me to see that I could forgive myself.

I had decided to come back to Jonesville because I needed to know who she was. I needed to know she was okay. I needed to look into her eyes and to thank her. And so, here I was, back in a town that was ready to welcome me back with open arms. I was treated like more of a hero than I was before I left.

I was the Golden Boy incarnate. I could do no wrong. It was a weird feeling having everyone love me. Everyone wanting to be me. Everyone watching me with awe and admiration. I had the perfect life. That’s what they all thought. Bryce Evans, the golden child. But they didn’t know what really went on; what happened behind closed doors; what existed behind my big, blue eyes. They didn’t know that there existed in me a hate so strong that I was capable of doing very bad things.