Sweet Soul

“Portland,” Levi answered and Stacey laughed.

“Levi Carillo, are you going to answer every question I ask Elsie or are you gonna let your girlfriend actually speak for herself?”

Levi froze, and I could see him struggling to find an answer to help me. My heart thudded too quickly and I could feel the panic setting in. But I pushed through it all to say, “He’s just trying to help me, that’s all.”

I saw it the second I spoke. Everyone was watching me that little bit closer. I saw Harper and the girls on the other side of the table glance at each other. I knew, because I’d always known that my different sound was more pronounced. It was more than Levi let on, but he cared for me, I was his girl, he probably didn’t hear it the same.

“Oh, I,” Stacey sputtered clearly uncomfortable, and I laid my hand on hers.

I freed my hand from Levi’s, then tapped my left ear. “I’m deaf in my left ear and partially in my right. So Levi sometimes helps me with communication.”

I felt eyes on me, and I wanted to do nothing more than run away and escape their collective judgment. Stacey looked to Jake and shook her head in disappointment. “You hear that, Jakey? See how much Levi does for Elsie, and I can’t even get you to make me a damn cup of coffee on a morning!”

Levi’s friends laughed when Jake scowled at his girlfriend. Stacey batted her hand and said, “You’ve got a good one there, Elsie. Don’t let him go.”

I turned to Levi, smiling. “I won’t,” I whispered and leaned in closer. “He’s my everything.”

I didn’t know if anyone else was listening, because I was too busy feeling the kiss that Levi was placing on my upturned mouth, then he declared, “You have no idea how proud of you I am right now.”

I kissed him again, and happily listened to the conversations around the table. I didn’t really participate for the next hour, but I didn’t mind. Because I’d taken a chance and it hadn’t backfired. Yes, the stares hurt, as did the uncomfortable silences. But I’d fought the voices in my head. I’d made my first move to victory.

I couldn’t wait to tell Clara. Couldn’t wait to tell her that I’d begun the fight.

When the dishes were cleared, Coach rounded up all of the team for a team photo. I panicked when Levi had to leave me, but Stacey stayed beside me even when her friends all went into the entrance room to get more drinks.

I watched from the table as the coaching staff began positioning the players into rows. I smiled at Levi standing to the back of the waiting team between Jake and Ashton, listening to them talk yet saying nothing to contribute.

My sweet shy guy.

“You’re both kinda fucking cute together, you know?”

I turned to Stacey and felt my cheeks heat. “He’s saved me. He’s good for me. We’re good for each other.”

“I can see that,” she said. I held back a laugh when Coach made Levi stand front and center. “He’s the star here at UW,” Stacey informed. “You good with all the attention he gets?”

I faced Stacey and shrugged. “I don’t go to school here. I… I have been working at a treatment center, so I don’t see any of it apart from the games.”

Stacey nodded. “But Levi’s clearly headed to the NFL, then that’ll be his life. Look at his brother and the adulation he receives. Their lives become a circus.”

My head whipped back to Levi and I felt my heart sink. I remembered Lexi mentioned this to me weeks ago, but I hadn’t let myself think that far ahead. I hadn’t let myself think about how our lives could be if we were still together and he made it to the next level; what people might find out about my past… that they might expect me to talk.

And that would be too much. Speaking to friends was one thing, but to be public…

“Elsie, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just making conversation.”

“I know,’ I whispered, watching Levi stare without expression into the lens of the camera. The thought of all that attention terrified me, but looking at him now, my Levi, my treasure, the boy that brought me the moon, I knew I would have to learn to cope, because I couldn’t leave him.

“I’m just going to the washroom,” I said to Stacey. Her face fell and I could see she thought that she had said something wrong. I put my hand on her shoulder. “You haven’t upset me. I’m unfamiliar with all of this. It’ll take me time to get used to it.”

Stacey smiled and I walked to the washroom, thankful that it was empty. I stared at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. “Hello,” I sounded loudly, checking around me to make sure I was still alone. “I’m Elsie,” I added. I winced, hearing my voice bounce off the high walls and sail into my ears.

Embarrassment swarmed all over me, but I forced myself to keep my head high. I forced myself to fight my fears. Stacey hadn’t been bothered. The other girls hadn’t really spoken to me after I did, but they hadn’t said hurtful things.

Maybe it was just Annabelle, just those girls, I thought, and built up my courage to see out the rest of the night.

I opened the door to the small hallway that ran to the foyer where the drinks were being poured. I was about to walk through the room to go and find Levi when I heard a female voice say, “She’s beautiful, I’m not denying that, but her voice? I know it sounds bad, and I know it’s not her fault, but I couldn’t listen to that every day. It’s kind of annoying.”

I stilled, my muscles freezing where I stood. Everything had frozen except my lungs; they worked too hard and too fast.

I closed my eyes trying to convince myself that it wasn’t me they were talking about, that another group weren’t mocking how I sounded. Then I heard it; the imitation, the mimicking of my different vocal tone. “I’m deaf,” one of them mocked; a different girl, but I could hear the monotone of her impression of me.

The cutting impression that pierced my already clawed heart.

“Levi’s shy so it makes sense he’s drawn to her, but he’s Levi Carillo. He’s gorgeous and can have anyone he wants. He won’t stay with her. I doubt he’ll be able to cope with hearing that voice every day. And in bed? What kind of noises must she make?”

Feeling like I was going to be sick, I found my feet pushing forward until I rounded the corner. Just then, another of the girls imitated my voice, the others laughing at her impression. Levi and Stacey walked into the foyer, hearing the sarcastic impression as clear as I could. And Harper, Harper was laughing with tears in her eyes as she clutched her drink in her hand.