True (True Believers #1)(39)
Author: Erin McCarthy

When he undid my jeans and dragged them down with jerky motions, I felt a momentary twinge of self-consciousness, the cool air rushing over my bare thighs and stomach. But then he was touching me again and it didn’t matter, nothing mattered but him and the way he made me feel. I reached out and ran my hand along the length of him through his jeans, searching to understand what was going to happen, seeking to give him the same mind-numbing pleasure he gave me.

He swore. “Oh, baby, yeah.”

Then he did something I had been curious about and both looking forward to and dreading. His head went between my thighs, and he peeled my panties down over my hips and used his tongue to coax out the most delicious ecstasy I had ever felt. Within a minute, I was digging my fingers into his shoulders and letting out a soft cry, completely stunned at the tidal wave that had just rolled over me.

He smiled up at me over the contours of my body, and I felt overwhelmed, my chest heaving, my fingers shaking as I clenched the comforter, and I said the first thing that came into my head, the thing that was rising in me so quickly I couldn’t contain it.

“I love you,” I said, as he tore open the box of condoms and pulled out a strip of foil wrappers.

I didn’t mean to say it. But it came out. And I meant it.

He froze, his body going completely still. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do,” I said quietly, because I did. I shouldn’t have said it, but I couldn’t deny it. That was a lie I couldn’t tell.

Tyler shook his head. “You shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” I asked curiously. I reached for him, tracing my fingers along his jaw as I stared up at him, in wonder at my own emotions, at the beautiful realization that I could in fact love another human being, and that it could feel this good.

His jaw clenched beneath my touch, and his eyes were agonized. “Because . . .”

For a second it seemed he was going to tell me something, but then he collected himself, and pushed back, sitting up. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

“What?” I asked, stunned.

He was pulling his shirt on, patting his pocket for his keys. He stood up, looking panicked.

When he stood, I realized that he was fully dressed and I was laid out, completely naked, my panties around my ankles. Embarrassment and confusion made my cheeks and body burn. I pulled my underwear back in place and sat up, dragging the comforter in front of my nudity. “Are you leaving? Why?”

His fingers were already prying a cigarette out of his pocket, and he just shook his head at me. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Shoving his feet into his boots without lacing them, he left, the door shutting with a loud snick behind him, leaving me alone in my empty room. The lamplight from my desk shone behind me, causing my shadow to reflect on the dirty brown threadbare carpet. I could see my messy hair, the outline of my bare shoulder, the lump of the comforter against my chest. Tears squeezed out, silently sneaking down my cheeks.

Then I shot into action. No. It wasn’t going to end like this. He wasn’t going to leave me here, mortified and wondering what the hell was going on after I had told him that I loved him. Shaking, I pulled on my sweater, not bothering with my bra, and dragged on my jeans. Grabbing my swipe card off my desk I ran out of my room, no coat, no shoes, no dignity.

After almost wiping out on the stairs, lungs aching, I burst through the front door of the dorm and spotted Tyler stepping off the curb to the parking lot. “Tyler!”

He turned and I ran toward him, bare feet sliding in the fresh snow, the shock of the cold making me gasp, teeth chattering from the weather and the trauma of what had just happened.

“Rory, what the f**k are you doing? Where is your coat?”

“How could you do that to me?” I asked, careening to a halt in front of him. “How could you leave me like that?”

He looked away, taking a drag of his cigarette. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have . . . I just couldn’t . . .”

That wasn’t any better. I smacked his bicep, surprising even myself with my vehemence. “Do you know how unattractive that makes me feel?”

His eyes widened and he shook his head. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

“Well you did!” I was sobbing now, and I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t stop the wrenching sounds from escaping me. “You know I’ve never had a guy interested in me. You know that I want to be with you. Why would you string me along like this? God, just knowing that my friends paid you to have sex with me and you still can’t make yourself do it . . . Jesus, I just want to die from humiliation!”

I hadn’t meant to tell him what I knew, but it hurt too much to contain it. I hit him again, feeling betrayed to the depths of my soul. I hated him for making me believe this was something more, and I hated myself for believing it.

His hand grabbed mine, stopping me from pounding into him a third time. “What? What do you know about that?”

“I overheard Jess and Kylie when they didn’t know I was awake. I know they gave you a hundred bucks to make sure I wasn’t a virgin anymore. But clearly you can’t even force yourself to be with me.”

“I never took the money,” he protested, looking horrified. “I never wanted the money, honest to God. You have to believe me! I just went along with their idea because I was genuinely curious about you, I swear, and it was the only way I knew I would get their support. Otherwise I figured they would try to talk you out of spending time with me.”

I hesitated, eyes watery, nose running, further confused. “Bullshit.”

“No, it’s not!” He tried to take my hand, but I pulled away from him. “I’ve always been interested in you, from the first time we met, back in August at Nathan’s. You were wearing this little floral dress and you looked so scrutinizing, like you saw through everyone’s shit, and I was curious. You seemed so different, so interesting. Genuine. Then when we started hanging out, I realized how much I liked you and I knew I couldn’t have sex with you right away because I knew you were a virgin and I didn’t want you to have a reason to be done with me sooner than later. I was worried that you would get what you wanted, satisfy your curiosity, then be gone.”

Was he insane? “You thought I was using you to learn what sex felt like?” I was appalled.

“Well, weren’t you?”

“What? No, of course not!” Not really. Maybe sort of, at first. But then it was more than that. “I was curious about you, too.”