Ugly Love(33)
Author: Colleen Hoover

I turn to my door, and he steps out of the way for me to unlock it.

My trembling hand pushes open the door to my apartment, and I walk inside, then point to the hallway. “On the right.”

I don’t look back at him while he walks in that direction. I wait until the bathroom door closes, and I fall onto the couch and bury my face in my hands.

I hate that he’s here. I hate that I let him in without question. I hate that as soon as he walks out of the bathroom, I’m going to have to make him leave. But I just can’t do this to myself anymore.

I’m still trying to gather myself when the bathroom door opens and he walks back into the living room. I look up at him and can’t look away.

Something is different.

He’s different.

The smile on his face … the peacefulness in his eyes … the way he carries himself like he’s floating.

It’s only been two weeks, but he looks so different.

He takes a seat on the couch and doesn’t even bother putting space between us. He sits right next to me and leans into me, so I close my eyes and wait for whatever words he’s about to say that will hurt me again. That’s all he knows how to do.

“Tate,” he whispers. “I miss you.”

Whoa.

I was absolutely not expecting to hear those three words, but they just became my new favorite words.

I and miss and you.

“Say it again, Miles.”

“I miss you, Tate,” he says immediately. “So much. And it’s not the first time. I’ve missed you every single day we weren’t together since the moment I met you.”

He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him.

I go.

I fall to his chest and grab hold of his shirt, squeezing my eyes shut when I feel his lips press against the top of my head.

“Look at me,” he says softly, pulling me onto his lap to face him.

I do. I look at him. I actually see him this time. There’s no guard up. There’s no invisible wall blocking me from learning and exploring everything about him. He’s allowing me to see him this time, and he’s beautiful.

So much more beautiful than before. Whatever changed in him, it was huge.

“I want to tell you something,” he says. “This is so hard for me to say, because you’re the first person I’ve ever wanted to say it to.”

I’m scared to move. His words are terrifying me, but I nod.

“I had a son,” he says quietly, looking down at our hands now laced together. Those three words are delivered with more pain than any three words I’ve ever heard.

I inhale. He looks up at me with tears in his eyes, but I remain quiet for him, even though his words just knocked the breath out of me.

“He died six years ago.” His voice is soft and distant, but it’s still his voice.

I can tell those words are some of the hardest he’s ever had to say. It hurts him so much to admit this. I want to tell him to stop. I want to tell him I don’t need to hear it if it hurts. I want to wrap my arms around him and rip the sadness from his soul with my bare hands, but instead, I let him finish.

Miles looks back down at our interlocked fingers. “I’m not ready to tell you about him yet. I need to do it at my own pace.”

I nod and squeeze his hands reassuringly.

“I will tell you about him, though. I promise. I also want to tell you about Rachel. I want you to know everything about my past.”

I don’t even know if he’s finished, but I lean forward and press my lips to his. He pulls me against him so tightly and pushes back against my mouth so hard it’s as if he’s telling me he’s sorry without using words.

“Tate,” he whispers against my mouth. I can feel him smiling. “I’m not finished.”

He lifts me and adjusts me next to him on the couch. His thumb circles my shoulder as he looks down at his lap, forming whatever words he’s needing to say to me.

“I was born and raised in a small suburb just outside of San Francisco,” he says, bringing his eyes back up to meet mine. “I’m an only child. I don’t really have any favorite foods, because I like almost everything. I’ve wanted to be a pilot for as long as I can remember. My mother passed away from cancer when I was seventeen. My father has been married for about a year to a woman who works for him. She’s nice, and they’re happy together. I’ve always kind of wanted a dog, but I’ve never had one …”

I watch him, mesmerized. I watch his eyes as they roam around my face while he talks. While he tells me all about his childhood and his past and how he met my brother and his relationship with Ian.

His hand finds mine, and he covers it as though he’s becoming my shield. My armor. “The night I met you,” he finally says. “The night you found me in the hallway?” His eyes dart toward his lap, unable to hold contact with mine. “My son would have been six that day.”

I know he said he wants me to listen to him, but right now, I just need to hug him. I lean forward and wrap my arms around him, and he lies back on the couch, pulling me on top of him.

“It took everything I had to try to convince myself that I wasn’t falling for you, Tate. Every single time I was around you, the things I would feel terrified me. I had gone six years thinking I had control of my life and my heart and that nothing could ever hurt me again. But when we were together, there were moments I didn’t care if I ever hurt again, because being with you almost felt worth the potential pain. Every time I began to feel that way, I would just push you farther away out of guilt and fear. I felt like I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve happiness at all, because I’d taken it away from the only two people I had ever loved.”

His arms tighten around me when he feels my shoulders shaking from the tears making their way out of my eyes. His lips meet the top of my head, and he inhales a steady breath as he kisses me, long and hard.

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” he says with a voice full of remorse. “But I’ll never be able to thank you enough for not giving up on me. You saw something in me that gave you hope in us, and you didn’t give up on that. And Tate? That means more to me than anything anyone’s ever done.”

His hands meet my cheeks, and he lifts me away from his chest so he can see me face-to-face. “It may be a small piece at a time, but my past is yours now. All of it. Anything you want to know, I want to tell you. But only if you promise me I can also have your future.”

The tears cascade down my cheeks, and he wipes them away, even though I don’t need him to. I don’t care that I’m crying, because they aren’t sad tears. Not in the least.

We kiss for so long my mouth starts to hurt as much as my heart. My heart isn’t hurting from pain this time, though. It hurts because it’s never felt this full.

I trace my fingers across the scar on his jaw, knowing he’ll eventually tell me how he got it. I also touch the tender area beneath his eye, relieved that I can finally ask him questions without being scared I’ll upset him.

“What happened to your eye?”

He laughs and lets his head fall back against the couch. “I had to ask Corbin for your address. He gave it to me, but it took a lot of convincing.”

I immediately lean forward and gently kiss his eye. “I can’t believe he hit you.”

“Not the first time,” he admits. “But I’m pretty sure it’ll be the last. I think he’s finally okay with us being together after I agreed to a few of his rules.”

This makes me nervous. “What rules?”

“Well, for one, I’m not allowed to break your heart,” he says. “Second, I’m also not allowed to break your damn heart. And last, I’m not allowed to f**king break your damn heart.”

I can’t contain my laughter, because that sounds exactly like something Corbin would say to him. Miles laughs with me, and we take each other in for several quiet moments. I can see everything in his eyes now. Every single emotion.

“Miles,” I say with a smile, “you’re looking at me like you fell in love with me.”

He shakes his head. “I didn’t fall in love with you, Tate. I flew.”

He pulls me back to him and gives me the only part of himself that he’s never been able to give me until now.

His heart.

Chapter thirty-nine

MILES

I stand in the doorway of my bedroom and watch her sleep. She doesn’t know it, but I do this every morning she’s here with me. She’s what starts my day off right.

The first time I did this was the morning after I met her. I couldn’t remember much from the night before. The only thing I remembered was her. I was on the couch, and she was stroking my hair, whispering, telling me to go to sleep. When I woke up in Corbin’s apartment the next morning, I couldn’t get her out of my head. I thought she had been a dream until I saw her purse in the living room.

I peeked inside her bedroom just to see if anyone was in the apartment with me. What I felt the moment I laid eyes on her was something I hadn’t felt since the moment I first laid eyes on Rachel.

I felt like I was floating. Her skin and her hair and her lips and the way she looked like an angel while I stood there and watched her brought back so many feelings that had become foreign to me over the past six years.

I had gone so long refusing to allow myself to feel anything for anyone.

Not that I could have controlled the feelings I was experiencing toward Tate that day. I couldn’t control them if I’d wanted to.

I know, because I tried.

I tried like hell.

But the second she opened her eyes and looked at me, I knew. She was either going to be the death of me … or she was going to be the one who finally brought me back to life.

The only problem I had with that was the fact that I didn’t want to be brought back to life. I was comfortable. Protecting myself from the possibility of experiencing what I had experienced in the past was my only priority. However, there were so many moments when I forgot what my only priority was supposed to be.

When I finally caved and kissed her, that was the point at which everything changed. I wanted so much more after experiencing that kiss with her. I wanted her mouth and her body and her mind, and the only reason I stopped was that I felt myself also wanting her heart. I was good at lying to myself, though. Convincing myself that I was strong enough to have her physically and no other way. I didn’t want to get hurt again, and I sure as hell didn’t want to hurt her.

I did anyway, though. I hurt her so much. More than once. Now I plan to spend a lifetime making it up to her.

I walk to my bed and sit on the edge of it. She feels the bed shift, and she opens her eyes but not all the way. A hint of a smile plays on her lips before she pulls the covers over her head and rolls over.

We officially began dating six months ago, and that’s been plenty long enough for me to realize she’s not at all a morning person. I lean forward and kiss the area of blanket covering up her ear.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” I whisper.

She groans, so I lift the covers up and slide in behind her, wrapping myself around her. Her groan eventually turns into a soft moan.

“Tate, you need to get up. We have a plane to catch.”

That gets her attention.

She rolls over cautiously and pulls the covers from over our heads. “What the hell do you mean we have a plane to catch?”

I’m grinning, trying to contain my anticipation. “Get up, get dressed, let’s go.”

She’s eyeing me suspiciously, which makes total sense, considering it’s not even five o’clock in the morning yet. “I know you know how rare it is for me to have an entire day off, so this better be worth it.”

I laugh and give her a quick kiss. “That all depends on our ability to be punctual.” I stand up and pat the mattress several times with the palms of my hands. “So get up, get up, get up.”

She laughs and throws the covers off of her completely. She scoots to the edge of the bed, and I help her stand up. “It’s hard to stay irritated with you when you’re this giddy, Miles.”

We reach the lobby, and Cap is waiting at the elevator just as I asked him to. He has her juice in a to-go cup and our breakfast. I love the relationship they have. I was a little worried to reveal to Tate that I had known Cap all my life. When I finally told her, she was irritated with both of us. Mostly because she assumed Cap was telling me everything she confessed to him.

I assured her Cap wouldn’t do that.

I know he wouldn’t, because Cap is one of the few people in this world I trust.

He knew just the right things to say to me without appearing as though he were lecturing me or giving me advice. He’d always say just enough to make me think long and hard about my situation with Tate. Luckily, he’s one of the few people who grow wiser with age. He knew what he was doing with both of us all along.

“Morning, Tate,” he says to her, grinning from ear to ear. He holds out his arm for her to take, and she looks back and forth between us.

“What’s going on?” she asks Cap as he begins to walk her toward the lobby exit.

He smiles. “The boy is about to take me on my first-ever ride in an airplane. I wanted you to come along, too.”

She tells him she doesn’t believe this is his first time in an airplane.

“It’s true,” he says. “Just ’cause I have the moniker don’t mean I’ve ever been on a real plane.”

The look of appreciation she shoots me over her shoulder is enough to declare this day one of my favorites, and it’s not even daylight yet.

“You okay back there, Cap?” I say into the headset. He’s seated right behind Tate, staring out his window. He gives me a thumbs-up but doesn’t take his eyes off the window. The sun hasn’t even broken through the clouds yet, and there’s not very much to see at this point. We’ve only been in the plane ten minutes, but I’m pretty sure he’s just as fascinated and mesmerized as I hoped he would be.