Vampire Brat (Page 6)
The trouble with collecting any kind of trapping kit is that sometimes someone traps you while you are doing it. And that is what happened: Barry made me help him take all the bat poo sacks out to the front gate. I do not know why people want to buy bat poo but they do. Barry says it is due to strategic advertising, which is what he calls the sign he sticks on top of the sacks that says:
guaranteed premium ORGANIC BAT FERTILIZER made especially for you by happy bats
When I asked Barry how he knew that the bats were happy, Barry said that he hadn't heard any of them saying they were unhappy and that was good enough for him. The rain had stopped while we were drag- ging out the sacks, but as we heaved the last one up against the hedge there was a sudden clap of thunder and the front door flew open with a bang. Great-aunt Emilene was standing on the top of the steps with Mathilda beside her.
I was sad that Mathilda was going. I wouldn't have minded at all if she had stayed. As the hearse drove slowly past Barry and me, Great-aunt Emilene stared straight ahead like a statue,but Mathilda looked out of the win- dow and waved. It was a small wave. I waved back. They had not gotten far when the hearse came to halt and then started reversing down the lane. Aunt Tabby saw it coming. She slammed the front door with a bang, and I am sure I heard her bolting it and putting the chain on. Great, I thought. Mathilda has changed her mind and she is going to stay too. But it was Perkins who got out. He didn't say a word. He just put some money for the bat poo in the box, heaved all the bat poo sacks into the back where the coffin had been, -71- slammed the tailgate shut, and zoomed away. "Strategic advertising, " said Barry, sound- ing smug. "Always works. " Now that Barry had sold some poo he was Q in a good mood, so I said, "Barry, have you come across any werewolves around here?" "Werewolves? Well, no. Although last year . . . " "Did you find one last year?" I asked. ". . . I saw a really good movie about them, " he said. "Oh. So nothing hiding underneath the bat poo then? Or creeping along behind you in the basement corridors?" "No, " said Barry, "because werewolves don't exist except in stories. Now Araminta, I'm going to fill some more sacks right away because it's not good for business to let the stock run out.
That way you lose potential cus- tomers. Would you like to come and help?" "No thank you, Barry, " I said politely, since I knew he was trying to be nice. I wanted to ask him more about werewolves--like what else he thought could be hanging around star- ing at me with horrible flashing eyes, growl- ing, and eating all my cheese and onion chips--but I decided not to. Instead I would get my Werewolf Trapping Kit together, trap the werewolf, and then they would all have to believe me. So for the next few days that is what I did. And it was a good thing I had something to do because my former best friend, Wanda Wizzard, was not my best friend anymore. In fact she was more like my best "fiend, " and I think she was haunting me.
But when Wanda saw me, did she say, "Oh, hello, Araminta, would you like a ride on my new bike too?" No, she did not. She said, "Oh, hello, Araminta, can Max borrow your skates?" Then she acted all shocked when I said, "No way. " Max just smiled a smug smile right at me and said, "Do not worry, Araminta. I do not like to skate. " When he smiled he showed vampire teeth at the corners of his mouth! They were noth- ing like Uncle Drac's; they were really sharp, like little needles. In fact they were so sharp and pointy that they looked like the real thing--the biting kind. I kept staring at Max, hoping for another look at his teeth, but he stopped smiling and stuck out his tongue at me. Then he fished a bag of candy from his pocket and said, "Wanda, would you like some candy?" And Wanda said, "Ooh, yes please, Max. It is so lovely to have a friend who offers you candy instead of eating it all herself. " I could have mentioned the gummy bears but I did not. Max didn't offer me any candy, but even if he had I wouldn't have taken it. Vampire candy is not good. You should never take candy from a vampire.
When Max wasn't being Wanda's puppy, he was being Aunt Tabby's creep. That afternoon, Aunt Tabby decided to repaint the wood in the hall with thick, shiny brown paint, which was a nuisance since every time I walked through the hall collect- ing my Spookie Werewolf Trapping Kit I tripped over all kinds of painting stuff. "Mind those cans of paint, Araminta, " she snapped as I went past again. "I was nowhere near those cans of paint, " I said. "You don't have to be near cans of paint for them to suddenly fall over, Araminta, " she said, brushing her hair out of her eyes with painty hands. "They seem to take one look at you and throw themselves to the floor. Now, tell me, what do you think of the color?"
This is the nasty, biting kind whom you would Q not trust one inch. You can generally tell the nasty ones, as they are extremely creepy. They say nice things to people but they do not mean them. They lurk in corners listening to other people's conversations, they pretend that they are really helpful and considerate so that aunts love them, they steal people's best friends, and they have really sharp teeth. Does that remind you of anyone? That's right: Max. Vampire Max. It was obvious now:That was the reason why Max was suddenly best friends with Wanda. Wanda is not easy to be best friends with--I should know. But Max didn't really want to be Wanda's friend; he wanted to bite her. And although I kind of thought it would serve Wanda right if she did get bitten, I didn't really want that to happen.
That would make her a vampire too, and I didn't think Wanda would be a very good vampire. She would just be trouble. And she might bite me. Something had to be done. The Spookie Werewolf Trapping Kit was now going to be the Spookie Combined Werewolf and Vampire Trapping Kit.