You Make Me (Blurred Lines #1)(23)
Author: Erin McCarthy

There was nothing I despised more than being ordered around. Told what to do. “I can’t do that. I’m not ready to do that.”

“So I’m just supposed to stand back and let you see a guy you admit you were emotionally attached to? I’m understanding, but I’m not that understanding. I can’t do it. I can’t wait for the day one or both of you crosses the line and it goes too far.”

He was right. I knew he was right. But every fiber, cell, nerve in my body screamed in revolt at the idea of losing Heath all over again, without really having had the chance to explore our friendship. “You’re asking me to choose between you and him?”

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Who is more important to you? Me or him?” Ethan stood there, looking angry and frustrated and beat to hell.

It was an impossible question. How could I explain that Heath was the past and Ethan was the future? That one I had chosen and one had chosen me? That Ethan represented everything I had always craved, but Heath was everything I needed?

But I couldn’t look Ethan in the eye and tell him to go. I couldn’t. I loved him, though in a quieter, less desperate way, and he was a good guy. He wanted to take care of me and give me the life that I’d always wanted.

He was essentially my father’s choice for me as well. It was what he had been telling me that day in the kitchen, after Heath had left. Don’t marry on wild passion and impulse. Wait for the right man. The one who was steady, reliable.

I couldn’t know if Heath and I could work now after all this time. We didn’t really know each other in the same way, had spent time apart, with completely different experiences. What if I left Ethan and Heath and I exploded in a matter of months? We were both so strong-willed and our relationship so passionate it was entirely possible.

There was the heart and there was the head.

With my father’s voice echoing, I chose the head.

“You, Ethan. I want to be with you.”

He made a choked sound in the back of his throat and reached for my hand.

I chose the head, but my heart broke all over again.

I hadn’t thought it was possible to feel so much pain over one person, but while Heath had brought me some of the greatest joy I’d ever experienced, losing him again was like a thousand razor blades climbing up my arms and slashing at me.

Ethan hugged me and I let him.

“I love you,” he murmured. “Caitlyn, I’m sorry to put my foot down like that, but it’s just not healthy for us. Exes can’t be in our lives like that.”

“I know.” My voice was steady but hollow. “But I have to tell him in person. I can’t just disappear without a word. I promise that will be it then. I’ll delete his number.”

He pulled back and looked down at me. “You want me to let you go to him? Are you serious? How can you ask me that?”

But I was firm on it. I couldn’t do that to Heath, not when I had just reached out to him. “If you can ask me to cut him out of my life completely, I can ask you to let me tell him in person. Give me one hour. I’ll be back in exactly an hour.” I turned and sat down on my bed, pulling on my shoes blindly. I felt numb, but determined. “You can wait here for me.”

“Are you going to have sex with him?”

That forced my head up. Anger punched through my fog. “Did you have sex with that girl last night?”

“No.”

“That’s my answer too. No.” Let him think what he wanted. Asshole. “How could you ask me that? Do you really think I’d have you wait here so I can rush off and have a quickie then come back still smelling like him? That’s disgusting. I have never done anything physical with Heath since he showed up here.”

I hadn’t. It didn’t mean that I hadn’t felt desire, or been reminded of what it had felt like to kiss Heath, to have him touch me, but I had been conscious of that boundary. I knew it was hard enough to prevent myself from emotionally becoming too invested, and doing something that I would regret by crossing that line would destroy me in the end.

“I’m sorry.” He did look contrite.

It wasn’t enough. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe it was anger that I hadn’t done anything even though part of me had wanted to, but he still accused me so offhandedly. But I glared at him. “You should be.” I grabbed my coat. “I don’t appreciate you calling me a slut.”

“I didn’t call you a slut! Caitlyn!”

“You didn’t say the word, but that’s what that means. You thought I was capable of that and I have to tell you that really bothers me.”

Ethan looked desperate and worried. “Everything about him makes me crazy. I can see what he means to you and it makes me insane. I do and say things that I know I shouldn’t.”

Brushing past him, I yanked open the door. “Well, the minute I get back, that shit stops, do you understand me? Cutting him out of my life means you have no right to be jealous or suspicious or run off and get drunk and flirt with girls. You’ve got to trust me or this isn’t going to work.”

“Okay. Okay. I promise.”

I didn’t respond. I just jogged down the hall, feeling frantic and out of breath, my skin tingling under my clothes. Once I threw open the front door to the house, I texted Heath with shaking fingers.

Can I come over?

Right now?

Yes.

Of course. You okay?

Yes.

That was a lie. I had never lied to Heath. With him, every thought, every emotion had been laid bare for him to see, and I’d been holding back from him, but I couldn’t anymore.

No. I need to talk to you.

Sure, baby. I’m always here for you.

But he hadn’t been, had he?

I needed to remember that. I needed to remind myself that’s why I had to choose Ethan. Why I had to stay with him, and a future. My relationship with Heath might have been nothing more than teen first love. I couldn’t count on him to stick by me through the tough stuff. Through life.

Are you at home?

Yes. Do you want me to pick you up?

No. Be there in five.

I wanted to walk, wanted to hear my feet smacking on the sidewalk. Wanted to feel the sting of the crisp fall air. Winter was coming up on us fast. The sky was gray, the hint of snow in the clouds. My nose ran and my eyes watered as I hiked across campus to Heath’s studio apartment. I cut across The Mall, past the Student Union, ignoring the group of guys playing a pick up game of football. It was windy, and my hair whipped across my face as I tromped past the red brick buildings of campus to where off campus housing began.