A Thousand Letters

A chuckle puffed out of me.

"I think we should bake cookies."

"That does sound like it would make life a little better."

She hooked her arm in mine. "It’s science."

* * *

We spent the next few hours making and eating cookies until we felt sick. The house was relatively quiet — Wade never came back down, Ben was out with Lou, and Sadie was staying with her friend still. No one faulted her for that, and I don’t think Sophie or Wade knew if it was right or wrong. They’d be her parents now, an overwhelming task that neither of them knew how to perform.

But that afternoon, nothing else mattered. There were no problems other than how much sugar we had left and if there were enough chocolate chips in the batter. There was just me and Sophie and the task at hand, our conversation finding its way to us, easily, happily, devoid of anything important. But in that simplicity, we found comfort, levity in an otherwise weighted day, week, life.

Things always change, I said to myself, finding comfort in the platitude. Life is fluid — sometimes with cresting, white-capped waves, other times with an eerie stillness, a quiet surface. But it was never the same, day to day. And as sure as one day was up, the next may be down. Letting yourself ride the surface instead of kicking and fighting or sinking to the bottom like a stone was the only way to survive intact.

The sun had gone down and the temperature dropped, and too soon, I had to go back. The thought of walking through the door of my sister’s house gripped my stomach, but there was no choice left to make. No more would I let her have her way. No more would I suffer, nor would I let Charlie suffer for the sake of what she wanted.

They’d never cared for me, my family, and I’d sacrificed so much for them. My self, my future. Wade.

My sister’s betrayal and my loyalty to Charlie and myself fueled me, and I put on my coat and hat and scarf like I was going into war, not knowing who I’d be when I returned.

It was cold outside but warmer than it had been, as if my fire had warmed up the whole world. I felt strange, changed, alive and brave, even though I was scared. But what I’d realized was that the brave aren’t immune to fear. It’s only that their fear doesn’t stop them.

I stood on the stoop for a long moment, staring at the knocker, gathering myself up. And then, I knocked.

Mary opened the door with a whoosh that sucked the cold air past me and over her, making her shiver just once as she glared at me, teeth bared.

"Get out of here, Elliot."

"Did you tell him?" I asked simply.

"Leave."

"Who is it?" Charlie asked, approaching the door. "Elliot? Why did you knock?" he asked with confusion on his face. "You have a key."

Mary warned me with her eyes, furious eyes edged with fear, shouting warning at me. I ignored her.

"Mary told me to leave, so I didn’t think it was appropriate to just walk in, given the circumstance."

His face bent even more. "Asked you to leave?"

"May I come in?" I asked.

"No," Mary shot just as Charlie said yes. He made a face at her and pulled the door open wider, touching her arm to move her from where she stood blocking my entry.

"What’s going on?" he asked her as I passed.

"Nothing. She was just leaving, weren’t you?" she asked pointedly, and I turned to face her, accusing.

"I have nothing left to lose, which leaves you nothing to bargain with."

Charlie watched us, trying to find his footing. "Let me take your coat."

"No, that’s all right. I won’t be staying long." I looked into his eyes, apologizing with all my heart, hoping he’d understand. "Mary didn’t tell you, did she?"

"Tell me what? Will somebody please tell me what in God’s name is going on?" he asked with wide eyes and fear riding his voice.

I looked at my sister. "It’s your last chance."

Her face wrenched up, red and angry as tears flooded her eyes, catching in a line at her lashes. "Don’t. This is none of your business, Elliot. Just shut up. Shut the fuck up right now."

I took a deep breath and released it, hoping he knew how sorry I was. "She’s having an affair with Jack."

Charlie stood dumbfounded next to me, brow bent as if he didn’t understand what I’d said. "That … that can’t …"

I said nothing.

"She’s lying," Mary cried, reaching for Charlie, fisting his shirt in her hands. "Please, believe me."

He searched her face before looking back to me, then back at her.

"Why would Elliot lie?" he asked.

"Because she hates me." Mary was frantic and feverish, her eyes searching his for purchase. "She’s jealous because I have everything she wants. She just wants to hurt me, hurt us. She’s probably in love with you and wants me out of the way. You know she’s obsessed with mothering the kids. Our kids."

But her words couldn’t touch me — I kept my eyes on him and my heart on task as my father and sister appeared next to the staircase, staring silently. "They were here in the kitchen this afternoon. I heard everything. Jack only pretended to be interested in me as leverage, to convince her to leave you. They said they’ve loved each other for years … and when I walked in, they were kissing."

"No," he whispered.

Emotion welled in my chest at the impossibility of it all. The right thing felt wrong, so wrong, the betrayal and disbelief on his face breaking me.

"You liar," she growled through her teeth. "You fucking liar," she shrieked and flew at me. We tumbled to the ground as she slapped and scratched at me for a split second before Charlie pulled her away.