From Ashes(43)
Author: Molly McAdams

“Connor—”

“Cass, seriously.” He chuckled and lifted his head, only to press his body closer to mine. “When you called twenty minutes ago, I floored it to get home because I knew you were going to be right behind me.” His deep voice dropped even lower when he continued. “I wish I could come back to this every time.”

My breaths started coming quicker and my eyes dropped to his lips before I could force them down to the knot in his tie. How was it possible to be so completely in love with someone but have this kind of a connection and chemistry with someone else at the same time? I’d felt this connection the moment I’d first seen him almost four years ago, but I hadn’t had Gage at that time. To have it come back instantly while with Gage was incredibly confusing. I don’t know when my hands had dropped to his neck, but I slid them to his tie and focused on undoing the knot and slowly sliding it off. Connor didn’t move once, he just continued to stare at me. I looked down at the tie in my hands, then over to the dining room table, where his jacket sat on one of the chairs. He released me and walked over to the table with me right behind him. I laid the tie on top of the jacket as he started taking things off his belt and putting them on the table. Handcuffs, badge, phone, gun.

“Do you have a minute?” he asked as he began unbuttoning his black shirt. All I could do was nod as he shrugged it off. “Can I go take a shower first?”

“S-sure,” I stuttered when my eyes snapped back to his.

His hand trailed down my arm to squeeze my hand before he grabbed the shirt, coat, and tie with one hand and turned away. Before he was out of my line of sight, his other hand caught the back of his undershirt’s collar and he pulled it over his head, revealing his lean, muscled back and arms. And I had no doubt he did that on purpose.

Connor was back five or so minutes later, hair dark and messy from the shower, a gray fitted shirt and another pair of faded jeans on that I would bet were made just for him. “You want coffee?” When I shook my head, he leaned against a side wall smiling at me. “So what’s brought you here?”

I twisted my dad’s ring nervously and bit my lip to try to hide my grin but failed. “I want to show you something.” I’d straightened my hair and thrown it up in a high ponytail so you could see the exposed part of my back easily, and with the loose, thin material of the shirt, it wouldn’t be hard to move it out of the way to show the entire thing. With another smile toward Connor, I turned so my back was facing him, then looked over my shoulder at him to see his reaction.

The day after coffee with Connor, I’d gone to get a tattoo of a phoenix starting at the top of my right shoulder, covering part of my shoulder blade, and going toward the center of my back and ending at my waist. It had taken forever, but it was colorful and beautiful. I loved it; it wasn’t just to honor my dad, it was a way to always remind me of my mom’s sacrifice. She may have been thirteen years too late, and it may have been something I would have tried so hard to stop her from doing, but it’s what she needed to do for herself and for me. It was the only gift she thought she could give me, and in some sick, twisted way, I understood.

“A phoenix?” His lips twitched up at the corners and he took the few steps up to me to move the piece of material going down the middle of my back. “Damn, this is really good,” he said softly, and trailed a finger down my shoulder blade.

Goose bumps and a shiver spread over my body and I watched as his pale blue eyes darkened as they locked with mine. “You’re going to have to forgive me, Cassidy.”

In a move so fast I could hardly comprehend it, he turned my body so I was facing him, lifted me so my legs were around his waist, and had my back against the entryway wall, his mouth on mine and moving aggressively. The tip of his tongue lightly traced my bottom lip and I shivered again.

My mouth opened for him, and we both moaned when our tongues touched. My body was at war with itself. I was hating myself and craving Gage but enjoying this strange connection with Connor.

“Connor, stop,” I said breathlessly. One hand was grabbing a fistful of his wet hair, the other had his shirt clenched in it. Forcing both of them to relax their hold, I repeated myself even though he had stopped and currently had his forehead against my collarbone. “Stop.”

Connor was just as breathless from the quick but aggressive kiss. “If this guy doesn’t realize what he has, promise me you’ll come back, Cassidy.”

“What makes you so sure I’d want you too?”

He looked up and grinned mischievously. “One, you think I’m annoyingly attractive and admitted to dreaming about me. Two, you got goose bumps the second I touched you”—his eyes shifted down for a second to look at my arm, then came back to meet mine—“and still have them. And three, even though you fight it when we kiss because of your boyfriend, those high-pitched noises that come out of your throat when our lips meet and the way your body instantly reacts to mine says it all.”

My chest was heaving up and down quickly; I knew he was right and was thoroughly embarrassed and feeling guilty about it. “I think you should put me down.”

“You’re about to walk out of my life, so when you promise that you’ll come back to me if you and Gage don’t work out, I will.”

“I’m nineteen,” I blurted out.

He chuckled. “And I just turned twenty-five. Your point?”

“You’re only twenty-five? But you’re—you’re a detective. I thought you were close to thirty.”

“Do I look thirty?”

“Well, no.” I felt my cheeks redden and I looked to the side. “I just figured you had to be older to be a detective.”

“God, I like that too,” he said softly as he looked at my cheeks.

“Connor.”

His eyes snapped back to mine. “I’ve always known I wanted to be a homicide detective, so right away I started working hard for it. Only been in homicide for six months, and the youngest guy next to me is thirty-four. But regardless, I’ve seen your driver’s license; I know you’re almost twenty. Not that it matters either way; you don’t act your age. You’re mature because of what you had to live through, and if I had to guess, I’d say Gage is a bit older than you too.”

“Twenty-two,” I responded immediately.

“Have you talked to him at all since you left?”

I didn’t respond, because I hadn’t.

“Has Gage tried to call you?”

My head and eyes lifted slightly to look into his. “No.”

He nodded and leaned in so his lips were at my ear. “Cassidy, you’re in love with someone who isn’t here. He hasn’t called, and he hasn’t come looking for you. Not only that, you haven’t tried to call him either, and we’ve been talking nonstop for three days, and first thing this morning you’re in my apartment to show me something extremely important to you. Not Gage’s . . . mine. We have—whatever this is between us, I know you feel it too. So what has to happen and what can I do to convince you to stay here with me, to be with me?”

“I’m sorry, but I have to go back to him. I see how it looks for you, but you don’t understand my past with Gage.”

“Then promise me, Cassidy.”

I waited until he was looking at me again. “I promise if it doesn’t work out with Gage, I’ll come back to you, Connor. But I need to tell you, he’s it for me. So I don’t want you waiting for me to come back, all right? I won’t lie to you, Connor, you mean something to me. I agree we have something, I know that and it’s pointless to act like we don’t. Other than you, Gage is the only guy I’ve ever felt anything like this for, and if he had never entered my life, I wouldn’t be able to walk out your door right now, but he has and he changed me completely. You’ll find someone who changes you too, but it isn’t me.”

“He’s very lucky.” Connor’s eyes roamed my face for a few seconds before speaking again. “I’m guessing you want me to put you down now.”

“I’d appreciate it if you would.”

He took a step away from the wall and set me on my feet. “I do like the tattoo, Cass. I like it a lot. I’m guessing you’ve been thinking a lot since Wednesday?” When I nodded he continued. “And you’re ready to start talking, am I right?”

I smiled. “I bought a plane ticket last night; I leave in four hours. I just had to come and see you first. I wanted to show you.”

“I’m glad you did. Not glad you’re leaving though.”

“You’re an amazing guy, Connor, thank you for everything.” I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“I’d ask if I could take you to the airport, and I will if you want me to, but right now I’m going to be blunt and tell you I’m struggling with what I want and what I know you need. You already know I think you’re beautiful, but you come in wearing this, and that tattoo? Christ, Cassidy. I’ve never seen your smile this bright, and God, it’s sexy. So unless you’re ready for me to kiss you again, it would be best if I didn’t take you.”

“Then you probably shouldn’t take me,” I said with a small smile. “In a weird way, you arguing with me and letting me cry into your chest outside the coffee shop helped me more than Tyler or Gage has ever been able to. And you’re not the only one, you know. I’ll cherish these days I’ve had with you, I’ll never forget you, and I’ll always be grateful.”

“Cassidy.”

“Yeah?”

“Go, or I’m pushing you back up against the wall and this time I’m not letting you leave.” He smiled crookedly at me as his hand came to my waist.

I sidestepped toward the door. “Good-bye, Connor.”

“Bye, Cass.”

“CASSIDY, WHAT THE hell?” Jesse whispered as he stepped onto the porch and shut the door behind him. “You’ve been gone, what . . . two weeks? Gage’s a fuckin’ mess and now you’re here all of a sudden?”

“Jesse, it’s a long story. A really long story. You’ve seen Gage? When was the last time?”

“I haven’t seen him for a few days now, but every day for a while there he’d come into the shop and ask if I’d heard from you. So spill. What’s going on?”

I pressed the lock button on the fob for the SUV I went to buy after I’d taken a cab to Gage’s town home to find it completely cleared out. He’d graduated that morning, so I was guessing he was back at the ranch; I just hadn’t expected him to be gone so soon. Even with help, that was really fast to clear out a house and leave. I knew I had to get to the ranch to talk to him, but I needed to make this stop first.

“I can’t go into it all right now, but I need to talk to you about something else. Jesse, I just came into a lot of money, and I know you don’t like help but I want to help with your mom’s medical bills.”