Love’s Suicide(31)
Author: Jennifer Foor

“Anything.” She wiped her eyes and perked up.

“I want to sit down with a lawyer and have something drawn up, in case something happens to me. I don’t want her being taken by the state.”

“I would never let that happen.”

“There’s one more thing. If something does happen to me, I want you to find Brooks. I’ll make sure his parents contact information is in the documents. He deserves to know about his daughter. I know it would mean the world to him.”

Sarah agreed, but a few minutes later, she had another question for me and I wasn’t all the way prepared to answer it.

“Katy, I’m wondering how you’re goin’ to feel once she’s here. I mean, you obviously still love the man. I can’t blame you for that, but can you honestly raise her without telling him she exists?”

I started to tear up. “I don’t know. I think about it every single day. It eats me up inside. There’s nothing I want more than to show Brooks what our love made together. He’s away for the next two and a half years. By the time he comes home, she’ll already be walking around. I feel like it will be too late for him to understand and I sure as hell can’t send it to him in a letter, not that I even know an address to send it to.”

She held my hand again. “No matter what you decide, I’ll stand by you. I just don’t want to see the regret in your eyes every time we talk about him.”

She didn’t understand that I woke up with that regret and went to sleep with it at night.

Chapter 17

July 4th 2011

“Katy, where are you?” I heard Sarah calling me, but I was too busy trying to find a sundress that didn’t make me look like a beached whale.

“I’m back here.”

Sarah came walking in wearing an American flag themed dress. “Aw, don’t you look cute?”

“Don’t even go there. I can’t even see my whole body in the mirror anymore.”

“Oh please. You’re the cutest pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. Besides, you’ve got a hot guy that would do anything for you. What do you care what anyone else thinks?”

I smiled, thinking about Bobby. In the past three months we’d been spending one night a week together. Sometimes he would take me out to dinner. Other times we would rent a movie and just hang out at either of our houses.

It wasn’t anything serious, considering that I was growing by the second. Sure, we’d kissed and I enjoyed his company, but we both knew I’d never be able to really love someone again.

“Yeah, Bobby’s nice.”

“Nice? Is that what you call it? I’d say he’s smitten over you. Dave said you’re all he talks about. They can’t even go huntin’ now without him talkin’ about you and the baby.”

I rolled my eyes, assuming she was exaggerating. “I wouldn’t go that far. It ain’t like we’re madly in love, Sarah. We’re just good friends that enjoy each other’s company.”

She laughed at me and watched me change my outfit again. When I’d exhausted my options, in which I mean I tried on the only three dresses that fit, I decided that I didn’t care anymore. It was hot as Hell and I hated being pregnant in it.

This was my first Fourth of July living in Sumter, but I’d already seen the way the town celebrated. They had a parade practically once a month and the volunteer firemen were the next best thing since chocolate was invented. Coming from a place like the District of Columbia, where paid firefighters and police officers were one in every third person on the street, it was still hard for me to understand.

However, I got that things were different and small town heroes were what kept the community feeling safe. It gave them security, when they really didn’t need it.

Bobby picked me up in his antique hot rod pick-up truck that he’d restored himself. It was a cherry red and he’d attached American flags to either side since it was going to be driven in the parade.

“Don’t you look pretty,” he said as I came outside and let him take my hand. He opened the door for me and gave my fat ass a boost to get me inside.

“I feel like a blimp. Maybe you should fill me with air and let me float around in the sky.”

He laughed as he shut the truck door and walked around to climb into the driver’s side. “You’re really not that big. From the back you don’t even look pregnant, if you don’t mind me saying.”

I played with my hair as we began our drive down the gravel road. In the rearview mirror I could see Dave and Sarah following behind us. “Did you bring a blanket to sit on?”

“I got a couple chairs in the back. Most people just sit on the curb or stand. It gets busy since the military comes and participates. They bring their families to watch.”

“Military?”

Right away my mind went to Brooks. I put my hand on my stomach and thought about our perfect little girl growing inside of me. She was my only connection to him and the love we’d shared. The mere mention of the military or anything Army had me on high alert, even though I knew Brooks was halfway across the world from me.

“Yeah, Fort Jackson is right down the road a ways. It’s an Army training facility. I’m surprised you’ve never heard of it. It’s one of the most popular in the country.”

Aside from Brooks joining the Army, I’d never really looked into where military stations were located. I guess it was because I’d always been against war and fighting. Terrorism had cost me my parents, but I didn’t see the point in more people dying to defend their honor. I hated death, no matter how it came.

I suppose it was sort of ridiculous considering that I’d thought about ending my life only months before.

My baby changed that for me. Ever since the day I found out that she was inside of me, I’d never wanted anything more than to take care of her. I don’t know whether it was some motherly instinct or the fact that I was willing to scathe the ends of the earth for one chance to have a piece of Brooks with me forever.

I tried to play it off so Bobby wouldn’t get worried. “I really didn’t know.”

Bobby had grown up in Sumter. All of his friends still lived in town and he’d never really been anywhere else. For our first date, he’d taken me to a fishing spot on his granddaddy’s property. It wasn’t what I was used to, but it meant a lot for him to share such a special place with me. He’d also take me to the town’s favorite watering hole, where a rope swing had served as fun for his whole life.