Love’s Suicide(33)
Author: Jennifer Foor

I sat up and looked out the window, trying to fight another round of tears that were attempting to come out. “No. I ruined my chance to be with him. Too many bridges have been burned. I’m sure he hates me by now.”

“Can I ask you somethin’ without you gettin’ mad?”

I shrugged. “Of course.”

“I was wonderin’ if you’d let me take care of you. I get that you’re fine by yourself, but we could do it together.”

“You’re asking me to move in with you?”

He laughed. “Well, I was hopin’ that maybe one day you’d learn to love me, the way that I’ve fallen in love with you.”

I sniffled and reminded myself that I’d just been crying about Brooks. Bobby was a wonderful man. He ran a business and everyone liked him. I was lucky to have someone like him offering to take care of me. The thing was, I knew I’d never love him, not the way he’d want me to. “I can’t make you promises that I don’t know how to keep, Bobby. Right now my heart is still broken. I’ve got a baby growing inside of me that will never know her father. It’s eating me alive with guilt. The last thing I want to do is put a label on us. I hope you understand.”

He smiled, but looked defeated. “Yeah, I reckon I do. Just know that the offer will still stand if you change your mind. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

I kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. You’re a good man, you know that?”

He reached on the dash and handed me a plate. “I made you a hotdog, extra onions, just like you wanted.”

I opened the foil and smelled the delicious food. If I’d just broken Bobby’s heart, he wasn’t letting me see it. Instead he was taking care of me, like he was always doing. Seeing him doing that made me wonder if I was passing up on something that I’d regret later. Maybe Bobby was as good as I would ever get.

Only time would be able to tell me that and from the shambles I’d made of my life, it was all I had.

Chapter 18

August- September 2011

“Look at these doctor bills, Bobby. How am I ever going to afford the delivery?” I had been staring at them since they arrived in the mail and the numbers weren’t changing. Already, I’d accrued ten grand in doctor’s visits and prenatal testing, alone. With me not working, my savings account didn’t exist and worrying wasn’t allowed.

Bobby wrapped his arms around me. “You know, Katy, it’s probably not realistic and you can kick me in the balls for askin’, but I’ve got real good health insurance. If we got married, you’d be covered.”

I hated the word marriage, because it reminded me of a time that I wanted to bury and never speak of again. “Bobby, we can’t.”

He got down on his knees on my kitchen floor and looked up at me. “Like I said before. It ain’t ideal circumstances, and that you’ll probably never feel the same about me, but we’re friends and I want to help. You don’t have to move or anything. It will all be on paper.”

I looked at the paper and then back to Bobby again. “You’d do that for me? Just to save me money?”

He’d asked me to be with him before and was kind when I’d turned him down.

He nodded. “I told you before that I loved you. I know it’s too soon and I don’t expect anything more than an arrangement between two friends. Just let me help you. I don’t want to see you sufferin’ with money when you don’t have to. God knows I’ve paid that damn company enough money through the years. They need to start kickin’ it back in my favor.”

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Are you sure? What if you meet someone else that can give you what you need?”

He shrugged. “Katy, I doubt that will ever happen.”

I leaned in and kissed him tenderly on the lips. He was an honest man and I felt blessed to know someone like him. “I guess I can’t take long answering?” I was due in one month.

“It’s going to take a couple weeks for you to get added, so I wouldn’t wait too long.”

“Can you give me a few minutes by myself?”

Bobby stood up and walked outside. I watched him out the window, picking up one of the children and twirling them around. I closed my eyes and pictured Brooks doing that with our daughter. It was apparent to me that it was just a dream. He’d never be the father that she knew and I hated myself for it.

Then I opened my eyes and focused on Bobby. I hadn’t known him long, but he was willing to do so much for me. He’d told me that he loved me, even knowing that I didn’t love him back. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, because I did. I cared deeply for him, but that’s all it was. I could never give him my heart when I didn’t have it anymore. I’d left it in that hotel room with Brooks and I wasn’t ever going to ask for it back.

I looked down at the medical bills and knew that if I wanted to be able to afford things, Bobby’s offer was the best way to make that happen. It was obvious he’d take care of me and treat my daughter like she was his own.

After getting up from the chair, I opened the door to wave him back inside. Bobby stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

“Fine. I’ll do it. I’ll marry you, and I’ll try my best to make it up to you and make you happy.”

And there it was.

In less than a year, I was engaged for a second time and this one was even more shameful than the first occurrence. This time I aware I didn’t love him and that for my own selfish reasons I was doing it anyway.

We were married at the courthouse four days later, after our license was approved. Sarah and Dave were our witnesses, and we celebrated afterwards with our normal card night.

Bobby knew it would be too much stress on me to move in with him right away, so he opted to stay the night with me. I still couldn’t believe that I was married. It felt surreal and sad at the same time. It was as if I knew I was closing a chapter of my life even when I didn’t want to.

When it got late, Bobby grabbed a pillow and started to get comfortable on the couch. I felt so bad because he wanted more and I hadn’t given it to him. After lying in my bed alone for nearly twenty minutes, I walked back out into the living room and reached out my hand. “Bobby, you’re my husband. We’ve been messing around for months, and I feel like it’s time for us to consummate our relationship. I can’t let you sleep on my couch and feel right about it. You belong next to me in my bed.”