Love’s Suicide(39)
Author: Jennifer Foor

I’m sorry for sharing that. It’s just so hard, living here.

I still miss you every day Kat, so I guess that finally brings me to answer your question.

If you think it’s time to let go, I will understand. Just know that I’ve thought about you every day since you walked out of my life. I’ll never give up on you.

Take care of yourself in whatever you decide.

Love always,

Brooks

The second letter was postmarked two weeks later. I assume from it coming from another country that one got held up, or the mail man was a really nice guy, holding out in hopes to catch me.

Dear Kat,

Okay, I lied when I said that it was okay with me if you let go. It’s not okay.

I’m miserable over here and feel like I have nothing to come home for. I don’t want to see my brother and visiting my parents only reminds me of you.

You’re still everywhere I turn.

God, I miss you so much. I miss the way you smell and the way you twirl your hair when you’re nervous. Most of all, I miss my best friend.

Please Kat. Write me back.

Tell me to go to Hell.

Say something.

I have to go away for a few days, but I’ll check the mail when I get back.

All my love, Brooks

That letter had a return address.

I folded them both together and got back in my car, realizing that I had to calm myself down before heading home.

My heart was pounding like it was going to pop out of chest. I couldn’t breathe and I knew I was having an anxiety attack. It had been so long since I was that upset and it wasn’t because I was angry.

Brooks hadn’t given up me and I didn’t know what to do about it. I was married, caring for a handicapped husband who depended on me. Then there was Brooklyn. He deserved to know he had a daughter, but telling him in a letter wasn’t going to happen.

No matter how I tried to calm myself down, it wasn’t working.

I needed my mother, for yet another catastrophe that I’d put myself right smack in the middle of.

Hiding a child from her father and his family was no easy task. How could I have thought that it would ever be okay?

I started driving home, knowing what had to be done. I was going to keep writing Brooks until I got the courage to tell him the truth. In the meantime, I’d have to keep it all from Bobby. If he got wind that I was in touch with Brooklyn’s father and I didn’t know what he would do.

I feared for my life when it came down to the possibility of him feeling like he would lose Brooklyn.

Chapter 22

February 2013

Ever since the day that I got his first letters I’d been going to the new construction house and checking for more. It took a whole week for the next one to roll in and I opened it with shaking hands, like the one before it.

Dear Kat,

I can’t even explain how happy it made me to get your letter. Now, it seems like I can’t stop writing you. Every day I sit down and think of all the things that I want to tell you.

If you saw the pile of paper bundled in my trash can, you’d understand.

While this place lacks the feeling of home, I find peace knowing that you’re out there somewhere thinking about me too. I can only hope that one day, when I’m finally done with this tour, I can see you again. Would you be opposed to that? I understand if I’m being too forward. I just feel like we’ve missed so much time together.

Please write me back, as getting your letters is the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time.

Love, Brooks

I could feel that lump in my throat, knowing guilt was the culprit. I was beating around the truth, unable to admit that I was not only married, but also the mother of his child.

Then again, I was so excited to hear from him that I couldn’t help myself. I had to keep talking to him and reading about how, after all this time, he still loved me.

I sat in my car and wrote him back.

Dear Brooks,

I’m happy too. For so long I felt like you hated me. I’ve kept so much pain bottled up inside of me for what I did. I want you to know that walking away from you that day was still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was harder than losing my parents, because I knew I could have changed it, if I’d just been brave enough.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to accept that there are things I could have done to prevent what happened to us. It all starts with admitting that I should have known Branch had lied to me about your feelings.

About your brother…

I almost don’t want to know when he and Melissa hooked up. It isn’t like I care if it happened the day after I left. I knew I didn’t want him. In fact, if I never see him again it will be too soon. Your brother is the reason that we are worlds apart. He’s the reason that we’ve lived in Hell for two years. I will never forgive him for that.

Looking back now, I can actually see how he was full of shit most of the time. It makes me sick knowing I was that naïve.

I should be the one begging you to write me back, because I sure as hell don’t deserve your heart after what I did to you and have still been doing to you.

Getting our friendship back would mean everything to me.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Love always,

Katy

I pulled the box of envelopes out of the glove compartment and addressed it, before sticking it in the mailbox for the next day’s mail. I knew I couldn’t risk Bobby finding out what was going on behind his back and I didn’t even know how to approach it. We were finally at a point where we were both getting along. He was working hard on being able to walk again. I’d put him through too much to break his heart when he was at his lowest. I’d already done that to someone I cared about and knew it would end badly.

For the next week I helped Bobby with his therapy, took care of B and fantasized about a future with Brooks. It was wrong. I needed to tell him so much that I was withholding.

I just couldn’t seem to give up on the excitement of getting his letters.

Each one was more endearing than the last and soon I had a shoebox full of them.

By March, we were writing each other every single day. I knew things had gotten out of hand, but once again, I couldn’t stop myself.

It wasn’t like I was going home to Bobby and professing my love to him. I took care of him, because he didn’t have anyone else.

Then it came time to move into the new house. For a while, I’d thought that maybe he would be better and I could move there by myself, but Bobby had reached a halt in his progress. The physical therapy wasn’t getting him any further and I feared that he was going to depend on me to be there for him.