Love’s Suicide(40)
Author: Jennifer Foor

Once we were in the new house, I had to sneak out to get the mail. I couldn’t let Bobby see who my letters were coming from and he certainly couldn’t know the things that we were talking about. I knew, even without two good working legs, he’d find a way to hurt me.

The new house was bigger, giving us more room to live in, albeit it seemed small since we were all stuck there together. I knew I had to get out of the house a couple days a week or I was going to go crazy.

My problem was, I couldn’t give Bobby the opportunity to get the mail. I got so afraid of it that I’d sometimes meet the mailman down the end of the road and retrieve it, in fear of him looking out the window and counting the pieces as I pulled them out of the box.

I know it was my guilty conscience, and that Bobby didn’t have a clue that I was talking to Brooks. Still, there had been so many days where I couldn’t stop smiling and he had to know there was a reason.

About the same time as Bobby starting really questioning me, was when the letters came to a sudden stop.

I was okay for the first week, knowing that sometimes Brooks had to go to places where he couldn’t mail anything.

During that time, Bobby confronted me.

“Katy, what’s goin’ on?”

“What do you mean?” I was washing lettuce to make a salad for dinner, while he sat at the table feeding B pieces of chicken.

“You know what I mean. For two weeks you’ve said hardly anything to me. You think I haven’t seen you watchin’ for the mailman?”

It was a good thing I wasn’t looking in his direction. “Bobby, seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was probably just hoping one of my magazines would come, since they have such good coupons inside of them.”

I turned around and started setting the table. “No. I think you’re hidin’ somethin’ from me. I think you’ve gone out and got yourself a lawyer and you’re plannin’ on slappin’ me with divorce papers. I’m tellin’ you right now, Katy. If that’s what you’re doin’, you best rethink that decision. Cripple or not, I won’t let you divorce me.”

I looked right at him, relieved that’s all he thought it was. “Bobby, I haven’t seen a lawyer. I think being in this house for so long is getting to your head.”

I couldn’t admit that I was worrying more about Brooks as the seconds passed.

Bobby grabbed me and pulled me toward the side of his wheelchair. “I miss you.”

I felt bad for him sometimes, knowing for sure that I’d never love him like I should. “I’m right here.”

“Can I have a kiss?”

I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against Bobby’s. What I thought would be a short peck turned out to be more and I knew I couldn’t pull away and make him more curious about my actions.

He finally ended it, only to reach his hand in between my thighs. “You know, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt you. Maybe we should put B to bed early and break in the new bedroom.”

I smiled and ran my hands through his hair.

As I thought of Brooks, and knew that I wanted it to be him, I was obligated to be the wife that Bobby needed, even if it felt more like a job than a relationship.

I leaned down and kissed him again. “It’s a date,” while cringing inside.

It wasn’t until April that I received my letters returned back to me. There was no explanation. They were just stamped return to sender.

I went into town one day, after the mail had been delivered, and headed to the library. From there, I was able to locate where Brooks had been stationed and a contact number for his commanding officer.

I feared that Brooks was gone, knowing that he’d have to have a good reason to cut off communication with me, especially when his last letter talked about us being together again.

Of course, you can’t just call a commanding officer and expect him to answer. I was transferred nearly ten times and finally got a voicemail. After leaving my information, I hung up knowing that he’d never call me back. I didn’t have security clearance, and I certainly wasn’t his family.

Finally, by the end of the month I was so upset that I called Melissa.

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Katy. Listen, I need to ask you something, because I can’t stand not knowing.”

“Are you calling about Brooks? How did you hear?”

I dropped the phone and it shattered into a million pieces on the floor. I didn’t need to put my phone together to know what had happened, and I certainly didn’t want to put it back together to have her call me back and tell the details of when or how it happened.

Brooks was gone, and my heart was shattered.

I’d never have that reunion with him, or be able to wrap my arms around him. I’d never be able to look him in the eyes and tell him how much I loved him.

I’d never be able to introduce him to his beautiful little girl.

I fell to the ground realizing that he was never going to know about her. I could have told him and he could have died knowing that he’d created something so perfect. I’d written him more than fifty letters and never mentioned having a child or being married. The latter I knew was for the better, assuming that when he died at least he’d known we were on good terms.

An older lady that I recognized from church came and helped me get up off the floor. It didn’t help. The moment I climbed in my car I lost it. I didn’t know who to call or what to do. I didn’t even know if they’d bring his body home.

What if there was no body left?

What if he’d died and been blown up?

It happened all of time.

The longer I had to think about it, the more it stabbed at my heart.

He was my everything, my reason for breathing. How could I look at B and know she’d never meet him?

I didn’t go home for another two hours, in which I sobbed uncontrollably in my car. I didn’t know what to do or who I could talk to about it.

Finally, I pulled up in the driveway knowing I had to go inside.

He was waiting for me. “Where have you been? B’s hungry.”

I stood there, with swollen, burning eyes, and just stared at him.

“Katy, what’s wrong, darlin’?”

Then I lost it, right in front of Bobby and B. “He’s dead, Bobby.”

With two braces still on his legs, he swung around in his chair and grabbed my hand. “Talk to me, Katy. Who’s dead?”

I closed my eyes and prepared for him to smack me, or worse for sneaking behind his back. “Brooks. He’s dead.” I sobbed.