Love’s Suicide(41)
Author: Jennifer Foor

Bobby pulled me on top of him, fighting how it must have hurt him. He wrapped his arms so tightly around me. “Baby, I’m so sorry. It doesn’t even matter how you found out. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Of all the times that he’d had a right to hate me and be angry, there he was holding and comforting me. “He’s never going to know her, now. I should have told him when I had the chance. I kept her from him and now he’ll never know.”

He kissed my head and rocked me, while keeping a tight hold on my body. I knew I was shaking and it was probably bad for B to see me like that. The only good thing was that she wouldn’t remember it when she was older. She’d never remember the day when I found out her real daddy was gone. She’d never have to feel the pain of being without him and it was the only thing I was thankful for. If she felt half of what I was feeling, I’d never forgive myself.

While Bobby held me, I realized that the only reason I didn’t want to die myself was sitting there in her high chair.

For as long as I lived, I was going to teach her about her daddy, and the hero that he was to his country and especially to me.

Chapter 23

Pain.

Hurt.

Agony.

Torture.

Fear.

Nothingness.

Those feelings repeated over and over.

I didn’t know how to carry on, or even if I wanted to.

I was lost, holding onto memories, hoping for miracles.

I knew he wasn’t going to walk through my door, but admitting that meant admitted he was gone forever.

I couldn’t fathom the idea of him not being somewhere, thinking about me the way I was thinking about him. It hurt so much knowing I couldn’t have been there with him in his last minutes on this earth. I wondered if he thought about me, or if it happened quick and he didn’t have to suffer.

I was also curious how his family was coping, and if Branch had finally admitted that love was more important than any competition.

With Brooks death came so many unanswered questions.

It’s amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye. Within seconds, all of my hopes and dreams were gone. The only thing keeping me coherent was the two people that depended on me every day.

Bobby held me all night, only taking breaks to lend a hand with B. I think me being upset was making her on edge. She was fussy for no apparent reason. No matter what I tried to do to comfort her, she wouldn’t settle. He coaxed her and sang to her like he always did and she was soon fast asleep in her room.

That night I laid in bed, wrapped in his arms and weeping uncontrollably. He never asked me for an explanation, nor did he act jealous or inconsiderate. In fact, Bobby was heaven sent, worrying only about getting me calmed down before anything else.

Even when I woke in the middle of the night, he was there for me until I could fall back asleep.

This didn’t just happen for the next day or two. Weeks went by and my depression only got worse. By the time I’d gained enough courage to reach out, it was too late. I knew Brooks’ family would have already had some kind of memorial, besides, knowing I was the reason that he’d joined the military wouldn’t sit well with two parents who’d just lost their son.

With the help of the church and Bobby, I found a therapist who I started going to that was trying to help me cope. They didn’t just need to help me heal my broken heart. They needed to replace it completely. I was shattered, so much so that I felt like every day was like living in a parallel universe. I went about the motions, but never accomplished anything. I hardly ate and barely slept.

Night after night, I’d sit there reading my shoebox of letters, treasuring Brooks’ last words to me, as if we were meant to reconnect again, just to say goodbye.

Aside from my therapist, I’d finally decided that it was time to share my feelings with Bobby. After all, in the wake of losing Brooks, he’d been my rock and still was.

I’d asked him to give me a couple days to conjure up enough courage to talk about it. It used up my energy when all I could do was cry about it.

We sat down and I had the box of letters so that he could have the option of reading every one. If I wanted to move forward, he needed to know what I’d done behind his back. If he hated me for it, I would understand. I deserved it.

He wasn’t exactly a saint himself, and knowing that was the only reason that I’d decided to tell him the truth. I figured if I could forgive him for hitting me, he could forgive me, even though loving someone else may have seemed a bit different than a few slaps. After losing Brooks, I would have traded a lifetime of physical abuse for one more day with him.

Bobby sat there across from me, waiting.

I folded my hands together and started crying even before I could say two words. “I’m sorry. It’s harder than I thought.”

He reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight. “You sure you want to do this? I’m ain’t goin’ anywhere, Katy. I can wait until you’re able to do it.”

“No,” I shook my head. “I have to.”

Bobby waited for me to get myself together. “Baby, just breathe.”

I took a few deep breaths and looked right at him. “I told you the story about how my parents died and I had to go live with the Valentines. You know I was engaged to Branch and on the night before my wedding I slept with Brooks, and that was the reason that I left town and everyone behind. I couldn’t take the embarrassment of what I’d done. I couldn’t look them in the eyes, so I ran.”

“I remember you tellin’ me.”

“And then you remember when we met I told you that I wasn’t ready to move on, because my heart was broken?”

He pulled away and held up the palms of his hands. “That, my dear, is somethin’ I wouldn’t forget. It’s been hard knowing you’d never feel that way about me. Hell, I think it sent me over the edge several times. I never meant to hurt you, Katy. You have to know that.”

“Yeah, I do. Anyway, I swear to you that I never spoke to Brooks since the night before my wedding. He was in Afghanistan, and I was here with you. Then I got pregnant and we got married. I suppose if I was given the chance, I would have tried to reach out to him, but I never had the nerve, at least not until a few months ago. You see, I felt like things were going good and enough time had passed to ask him for closure. After getting his address from my old friend, I sent him one letter, asking exactly for that. I just wanted him to somehow tell me to move on, so that you and I could move forward. I didn’t know he would write me back. Not only did he tell me he’d never given up on me, but he talked about seeing me again someday.”