Love’s Suicide(9)
Author: Jennifer Foor

My heart was beating a hundred miles per hour, and I wasn’t sure if I should jump back in bed with Brooks and profess my love, or punch him for assuming I’d made a serious mistake.

“Please stop.”

“Stop what? Stop feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t man enough to fight for what I wanted?” Out of all the times that he could have come to me with this, he was picking when he was about to leave.

I paced around the room and threw my hands in the air. “What are you talking about?”

Just then the door opened. Branch was standing there smiling. “Hey, I was wondering where you two were. Mom needs us to get the grill going. Dad had to run out for the cake.”

Brooks stood up and pulled a shirt over his head. He said nothing to me as he walked out with Branch. All I could think about was him kissing me and the way it felt. I’d kissed Branch a million times and never felt that kind of desperate connection.

While they were gone, I laid on Brooks’ bed trying to calm myself down. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his art book. We had to have one our whole senior year and do all of our assignments for that class in it.

I was just being curious, not really prying when I opened it to the first page. What stared back at me was something I would have never thought I would see.

He’d gotten everything perfect, from my blue eyes to the highlights in my brown hair. My fingernails and even the color of my skin was so precise that I could have been looking in the mirror.

Under the picture it was titled, “My Kat”. I closed the book and tossed it when I heard someone approaching the door. I hadn’t realized that I’d been staring at it long enough for the guys to be done helping out.

Brooks walked into the room and was shocked to find me still inside. He closed the door behind him and crossed his arms over his chest.

I stood up and walked toward him, until our faces were almost touching. “How long have you been in love with me, Brooks?”

He smiled, but didn’t drop his arms from his chest. “That question isn’t going to get answered.”

When he started to walk to the side, I grabbed him. There was no way I was going to be able to let him go without knowing the truth. “I would have picked you, and you know it. So I need an answer. How long?”

He turned to look at me, and his eyes were full of tears. I felt him touching me on my cheek again and tilted my head as an automatic reaction. “I’ve loved you for as long as I could remember.”

My lips were trembling again as I started to cry for a different reason. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re going to be happy with Branch. He loves you. I’ll be out of the picture and it will get easier. The distance between us will help.”

I shook my head, unwilling to accept that he was leaving to make things better.

He leaned in and kissed me one more time on the forehead. “Just remember that you were my first.”

I tried to smile. “I’ll never forget our first kiss, Brooks.”

He moved out of the way and I knew I had to get out of there. I put my hand on the doorknob when he said something that shocked me. “I wasn’t just talking about a kiss, Kat.”

I turned around and looked at him, wondering what he meant. “Huh?”

“September 11th, for the past two years. I’m surprised you didn’t know, being as I’ve always been there for you on that day, because unlike my brother, I never could sleep that night knowing you were so upset.”

I thought back to that night last year and how I’d been so sad and gone to bed. I remembered Branch coming into the room and me asking him to sleep with me. I remembered thanking Branch the next morning and him responding like he hadn’t done that much for me.

Oh my God! It wasn’t Branch.

Then I looked up at Brooks as chills overwhelmed my whole body. “You…oh God. You.”

I put my hand over my mouth. Brooks walked up close to me, so that nobody could hear. “I waited until the perfect moment to have you for myself. You had to be my first Kat, and I knew it was the only way it could happen.”

I didn’t know what to say or do. He hadn’t raped me. I wondered if I had known would I have told him to stop.

The answer was no.

I would have let it happen, because somewhere inside of me I always knew I was supposed to be with him.

I ran out of his room and into mine, where I locked the door and prayed Branch wouldn’t come looking for me.

My God, I’d slept with his brother and nobody had even known.

Not even me.

I was a horrible person, for not only having feelings, but for letting him stay so close to us.

He’d taken advantage of me.

He’d stolen from me.

I rushed back into his room, loaded with anger. “Don’t come visit me in college, Brooks. You’re right, I need to be away from you so that I can be happy with Branch. We don’t need you trying to push us apart. And as far as those two nights go, that goes to your grave with you. I won’t lose Branch over this.”

I didn’t know how he felt when I left his room and I wanted to believe that at that moment I was too pissed at him to care. The truth was I was ripped in half, finally admitting that I was madly in love with both of them and the only way to move forward was to let one of them go.

The next morning we all drove to the bus station to say goodbye to Brooks. Danica was crying, and I was doing my best to keep my composure. He hugged everyone before approaching me, maybe because he was afraid I was going to punch him in the face. When his arms wrapped around me, I expected it to be a fast hug. Instead, he whispered something in my ear before walking away.

“It’s our secret, Kat.”

Watching that bus pull away from the curb was gut-wrenching. I wanted to run after it, screaming until they let him off. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He needed to know I was sorry for being angry.

But it was too late.

Brooks was gone, and he’d taken a piece of my heart with him.

There was nothing left to do but move on, because I knew that I’d lost my chance at finding out what we could have been.

Chapter 5

December 2009

“Merry Christmas, babe.” Branch stood over the bed with a tray full of breakfast and a tiny package wrapped with a large bow on the top.

“Wow, breakfast in bed and I get to open my first gift.” I rubbed my hands together and let him arrange the tray, before he climbed into bed next to me.

“I know we said we weren’t going to go overboard for Christmas this year, but there was something I saw and I knew you had to have it. Go ahead, open it.”