Love’s Suicide(91)
Author: Jennifer Foor

Brooks was devastated. He reached for my hand and I closed my eyes. I could feel my lips quivering. "Kat, we’ll get through this. I promise. Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you’re thinking. Don’t do it. Please don’t push me away."

I had to turn my head away from him so he couldn’t see me falling apart. "I’m so sorry, Brooks. Please don’t look at me like that."

He stood up and finally I couldn’t keep my eyes away. "I love you with everything I have in me. I know what it’s like feeling like you caused someone’s death. I can see it all over your face. They train us to handle those situations, so when you’re ready to talk about it, rationally, you pick up that phone and I’ll be there.” He leaned in and kissed my lips, then put his mouth close to my ear. "I will never give up on you."

Brooks left the room, not because he had to right away, but because he couldn’t stand looking at me and not feeling what he feared was going to happen.

Nobody hated me more than I hated myself. I looked around the empty room and felt as if it was where I was supposed to be.

Alone.

Brooks loving me was his weakness. He couldn’t see the truth, because he was blinded by that love. I caused pain, no matter where I went or who I was around.

That night was difficult, but the next few days were even harder. Brooks called me every morning, then at lunch and one last time before he went to bed.

His voice soothed me, even if it were only a temporary fix. Danica brought B to the hospital each day until I was finally released on Wednesday. My hip was still in a bit of pain, but manageable with medication. Walt had rearranged the furniture so that I could maneuver a temporary wheelchair around on the first floor.

It was good to be out of the hospital, but I had other things clouding my mind. Since I was Bobby’s wife, it was up to me to take care of his body, transporting it home and arranging a funeral.

I didn’t know where to begin.

Finally, after making calls to his family, I was left staring at the phone, knowing I had to call Sarah and Dave. My stomach was in knots and I broke down.

Danica came running in, with B following close behind her. “What’s wrong? Does something hurt?”

Aside from a bunch of bruises, the only thing that was wrong with me was that I’d dislocated my hip. I still had a killer headache and my body felt like it had been thrown into a cement maker. That aside, I wasn’t incapable. “No. I’m okay. I just need to get home. I have to be there to do all of this in person.”

I could tell she was conflicted with what she should say. It was understandable that Danica didn’t want me leaving, on account of B. She wanted to be with her as much as she could and us being a few states away was hard on everyone.

“Danica, please. I need to get home.”

She grabbed the phone and started dialing before she would say what she was doing. “Hey, it’s me. Remember what we discussed last night? Yeah. I’ll call you when we get there. Love you too.”

She hung up and handed me the phone. “Call Brooks and tell him we’ll be home late tonight.”

I didn’t know what to say.

As much as I longed to see Brooks, I knew there were things that needed to be dealt with that didn’t involve him. I needed to worry about burying Bobby before I could begin to figure out anything else.

Still, I waited for her to walk out of the room before I dialed his number.

“Sergeant Valentine.”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Are you okay?”

Hearing his voice instantly made me emotional. More than anything I wished that I could take everything back. I wanted to rewind the last four years of my life and choose Brooks from the beginning. Life would have all been so simple if I’d just made the right choices in the first place.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Katy, please tell me you’re not calling to give me bad news. I’m having a terrible time being here when you’re both there. I can’t take much more this week.”

“I’m not. I’m calling because I’m coming home. Your mom is going to drive us and stay with me. She wanted me to call and tell you that we’ll be home late tonight.”

“She wanted you to call? So you weren’t going to?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah. You didn’t. So, do you want me to head over to your place when I get off?”

My throat was burning with the things that I wanted to say to him, but couldn’t. I couldn’t keep him from seeing B, even if I was conflicted about my life. I’d never do that to him. “Yes. There’s a hidden key attached to a magnet underneath the fender to the riding mower. It’s in the shed. That key opens the front and kitchen door. I have no idea what’s there to eat, but help yourself. We’ll call when we get close.”

“I can’t wait to see you. We’re going to get through this, Kat.”

I was shaking so badly, hiding my sobs by covering the phone so he couldn’t hear me. “Okay.” It was all I could manage to get out.

“Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I said defensively.

“You’re pushing me away because you think it’s the right thing to do. You think you caused all of this to happen. Katy, you didn’t make him put that bottle to his mouth. You didn’t make him raise his hand to a woman. He did all of that himself. I know you feel guilty, but he could have chosen other paths. He didn’t have to viciously hunt you down and you know it. If he found my parents address, he very well could have gotten their phone number. Please, Kat, just think about it. We all know you’d never hurt someone intentionally. You did what you had to do to get free. You said it yourself.”

“He’s dead because of me. Nothing you say will change that. Now, I’ve got to come home and face all of the people that loved him. They never believed he did those things to me, so they’ll never understand that this was an accident.”

“He was drunk. It was confirmed through blood tests. Those people can say whatever they want, but they can’t deny the damn truth.” He was getting angry with me and I didn’t know what to say to comfort him.

He didn’t run away and become rescued by Sarah and Dave. As much as they’d done for me, I couldn’t stand imagining telling them that their very best friend was gone. The ache in my heart was excruciating to bear.

Brooks got quiet on the phone. I knew it was because he was frustrated. I was more frustrated with myself.