Rome (Marked Men #3)(65)
Author: Jay Crownover

“For what it’s worth, I do really understand now how bad what I did to you hurt. You always deserved better.”

I snorted. “I deserve the best and that’s what I found. Good-bye, Jimmy.”

The three of us watched him walk away, me with a new clarity, Nash with unbridled amusement, and when I looked up at Rome, everything I had been afraid my thoughtless words were doing to him was shining out of his hard gaze. He was angry, but more than that he was hurt, and I couldn’t fault him for it. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to try and soothe the unintentional burn I had caused, but those sapphire eyes flashed at me and I could feel the blaze of his anger burning in his tightly locked muscles and granite-hard expression. I took a step back and started when he did the same thing. There wasn’t supposed to be space like this between us anymore.

“What just happened, Cora?”

The words were gritted out between clenched teeth, and I blinked at him in surprise.

“I thought this entire time that you couldn’t tell me you loved me, that you were struggling to find a house with me because you were still working through all that stuff that idiot left you with when he cheated on you. I thought I was letting you find your own way to where I was waiting for you, and I just watched you annihilate the only excuse I thought you had for holding back on me. You just told that idiot you could never love someone else because of what he did to you, I heard it loud and clear.”

I reached out for him, my hand was shaking, and I could feel Nash recoil next to me when he backed away another step. This couldn’t be happening.

“Rome.” I tried to get him to calm down. To get a word in edgewise, to tell him he didn’t understand, but he wouldn’t let me. The thing I was best at, talking, seemed to be my worst enemy at the moment. If I had just been able to tell him I loved him back, he wouldn’t be reacting this way now. Of course I loved him. I was just terrified.

“Dude, chill. She just got ambushed by her ex. She’s pregnant. Take a breath and calm down.”

“I know she’s pregnant, Nash. I had something to do with that, but I can’t give you everything, let you see all the broken, ugly parts of me, if all I get in return is only what you deem as safe. I’m not Jimmy. I won’t let you down like that, and I thought I had proven that to you over and over again. If you can’t be in love with me because of what that loser did to you five years ago, which one of us isn’t all the way in, Cora?”

Beyond the rage in his voice I could hear the sounds of his heart tearing loose in his chest. My fear and hesitation had caused this. There was no one to blame but myself. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pry the words he so obviously needed off of my tongue. I did love him, but this wasn’t a way I was ever going to tell him that. He would never believe me if I blurted it out to prevent this ugly scene.

The driver’s door slammed shut, and he took off in squeal of tires and roaring engine. I was glad he wasn’t on the bike. That would have been dangerous and scary.

Nash pulled me into a one-armed hug and I rested my head on his chest.

“He’ll calm down. I think seeing Jimmy was as much of a shock to him as it was to you.”

“He’s right. I should have told him how I felt forever ago. I just couldn’t. I was scared telling him I loved him would mean it would all fall apart and it would destroy me if it didn’t work out. He always tells me I color his entire world, but he did the same thing for me. If what I felt for Jimmy is beige, then what I feel for Rome is a damn box of Crayola crayons. I shouldn’t have been such a baby and just let him know. He is perfect for me, Nash.”

Nash swore a little bit and turned so that we could go into the shop.

“When two people feel that way about each other, they figure it out. Just like Rule and Shaw did and just like Jet and Ayden. It’ll be fine, Tink. I promise. By the way that was a nice gut shot. You shoulda aimed for the nose, though.”

Normally that would have made me laugh, but I felt like everything I had was swirling around in that cloud of wrath Rome had ridden away on. It had to work out, there was no other option. He was it for me, I just needed to pull my head out of my ass and tell him. He was right: I asked him for everything and he gave it without question. He wanted one thing from me, to hear that I loved him like he loved me, and I had been unable to do it for him. I sucked. Plus I was sick and tired of the big jerk always somehow managing to get the last word in every time we had a fight. That was really annoying.

“I wish that was a promise I could be sure you could keep, Nash. Don’t say anything to the guys. You can tell them about Jimmy because you all gossip like teenage girls, but leave Rome out of it. I need to fix this mess on my own.”

And fix it I would, because there was no other option for me or for our baby.

When we walked in the door, the guys all wanted to know what was going on. I let Nash fill them in while I asked Rule if I could talk to him in the back room.

He followed me, his face screwed up in a total look of confusion, but he was kind enough not to grill me.

“That was Jimmy.”

“I figured. Looks like Rome made it pretty clear he better leave you alone.”

“Yeah, he also made it pretty clear I better figure my shit out or I’m going forward alone.”

I thought Rule would get riotously indignant on my behalf, but he didn’t. He narrowed those pale eyes at me, which made me twist my plugs around nervously. I felt like a bug under a microscope.

“What? Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what, Cora?”

“All judgy. I was your biggest cheerleader when you were acting like a dipshit over Shaw, so knock it off.”

“He loves you, Cora. That isn’t a joke. He’s never laid himself on the line for anyone like that before that wasn’t family.”

“I know, I know. I’m working my way there, all right. I don’t want to be without him.”

“Do you love my brother, Tink? Because if you don’t, even if it kills him, you need to walk away now. You can’t do that to him.”

“Rule.” I sighed and started to pace back and forth in front of him. “I wanted someone perfect, thought it would keep me safe, save me from another broken heart, and all it did was insulate me and make me too scared to tell a wonderful man that I love him back. I thought I could show him, that he would just know, just feel it pouring out of me the way I felt it from him. I screwed this up royally and I don’t know if he’s going to let me fix it.”