Shame (Ruin #3)(35)
Author: Rachel Van Dyken

She took a generous sip of her wine and laughed, but it was fake. “And what makes you think I have so many lenses, oh wise one?”

“Did I say you did?”

She was silent.

“And I think it’s probably time we talked about that elephant in the room.”

“What?” She snorted. “Me, being almost naked, having wine with my professor on a Monday night?”

“Oh that,” I teased and gave her a wink. “We’re anonymous, remember? Nobody knows we’re here.”

“True.”

“I told you a secret… now it’s time to trade.”

The glass shook in her hand.

“Why were you crying tonight?”

“Stress.”

“Fine. I’ll ask differently.” I shifted so I was closer. “I’m sitting with Lisa right now… the first lens… the one that’s strong, late to class, great kisser, hard worker…”

She stared hard at the flames in front of her.

“So let’s try a different angle… the girl you used to be, Melanie Faye, why was she crying tonight?”

And just like that I was given a vision of what Taylor had become so obsessed with, what had enraptured his attention and completely destroyed his sanity. Instead of being afraid, Lisa tilted her head to the side and narrowed her eyes. The light that had once been there — completely gone. And in its place utter darkness. Sweet, beautiful, addicting darkness.

I’d been wrong.

It wasn’t the light that had drawn him.

But the beckoning call of the dark.

And like an idiot, I’d fallen before I knew.

“I would say screw you, but I imagine you’d just think it was an invitation, you sick bastard.”

“You resort to name calling when you get cornered?”

“Depends. Do you resort to seducing your students when you don’t get what you want? I knew it was you, the guy I bumped into at the student center. You called me Melanie then. You’ve known this whole time.” She leaned forward the blanket dropping from her body, giving me a tempting view of her breasts.

“I was always curious.” I changed the subject and looked away, hoping she’d drop the fact that I’d called her Mel the first time I saw her; it was out of shock. “How does one compartmentalize so well?” I glanced back at her. “They don’t. they just repress until the other part dies. You know it’s similar with dissociative identity disorder. Shrinks used to suggest that each of the personalities decide who the strongest would be, and then, in what they thought was a stroke of genius, had the strongest personality kill the rest of them, leaving only one.”

Lisa’s eyes flashed.

“Funny how that never works.” I sighed. “Just like repressing the person you are never works when you try to replace it with someone so out of this world vanilla and boring. I imagine you’re both things… weak and insecure, paired along with being sexual and demanding. Your greatest fear is letting go. Am I right?”

She tried to stand, but I held up my hand. “Sit.”

She sat, her jaw clenched tightly.

I continued, “At least for tonight, be both people.”

“No.”

“Yes, damn it,” I growled. “Or are you that afraid of your past?”

“You know nothing about my past!” she screamed, her voice almost rattling the windows. “Stop psychoanalyzing me! It’s bullshit! You know nothing!”

“So, tell me something.”

Her chest heaved; she glanced at the fireplace and shook her head. “When you spend your teen years being so horrible, so terrible, so… bad…” She flinched. “…the last thing you want to do is be anything like that person you were, or even the things associated with it.”

I nodded. “You don’t really want to be a teacher, do you?”

She said nothing.

“What would you do with your life if you have a choice?”

“Who says I don’t?” she snapped.

“You do,” I argued. “So tell me, what would you do?”

“Everything.” She sighed longingly. “I’d do everything. I’d live. Drive fast cars again and forget the bad memories with them… maybe that’s it. I’d do every single thing I did when I was younger, only I’d make it better so I wouldn’t associate everything that used to be fun with pure evil.”

“You’ve come to the right place.”

“Real life isn’t a movie, and I think we already established you aren’t part of Mulan’s family, so I highly doubt that means you hail from the good fairies.”

I watched the torture flicker across her face. She was a girl who used to push limits, just like Taylor, only he’d ruined every single thing that could have been good. I had a vision of him finding joy in that. He always did find joy in the perverse of taking something so pure and tainting it. With Lisa, I was sure he’d seen the dark and thought… finally someone who can join me in my misery, someone I can alter forever.

And he had.

“One thing,” I asked. “Name one thing that was ruined for Melanie that Lisa wants to do.”

“Drive a Ferrari,” she said quickly. “You’re not Obi-Wan. You don’t get to know why. Just know… it was… ruined.” Her face paled. “But driving fast used to be one of my favorite things to do. It felt… free.”

“I’ll toast to that.” I lifted my glass and clinked it to hers.

Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t tell me.” She took a slow sip of the wine. “You have a Ferrari.”

I leaned forward so tempted to lick the liquid from her lips. “If I didn’t, I’d buy one just to see you let go.”

“Is this about me or you, Tristan?”

I smiled — a genuine smile. “It’s always been about both of us, Lisa. I’d think you’d know that by now. Besides, I was always the good son, remember? I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket. I think it’s about time.”

“How?” she whispered, her lips pulled tight like she was trying not to reveal any sort of emotion. “How do you see so much when I try so hard to hide it?”

I wanted to tell her the truth right then, tell her I knew more than I’d let on, tell her I was sorry and ask her point blank what she knew. Maybe she’d forgive me; maybe we could move past the pain together. I glanced up at her again. She was shivering even though she was in front of the fireplace.