Surprise Delivery (Page 36)

“Have you figured out what you’re going to do when your maternity leave is up?” she asks.

I hate being right all the time. “I’m hoping to get back to work,” I sigh, letting out a long breath. “I mean, if they don’t screw me out of my job.”

She looks back up. “I think it’s safe to assume they’re going to screw you over, Lexi,” she says. “They’ve been screwing you over since the day you started. I just don’t see that changing anytime soon. And the other thing you need to consider is that if – and it’s a big if at this point – you are able to go back to the firm, you’ve got to figure out who’s going to be looking after Aurora while you’re at work. Child care isn’t cheap, hon.”

“Yeah, probably,” I say softly.

“Which means, you need a plan, hon.”

I look into the face of my little angel. My sweet girl. While I was pregnant, I never expected that I’d be so instantly attached to Aurora. But from the moment I saw her and was able to hold her in my arms, to feel her tiny, delicate body pressed to mine, I’ve felt nothing but the purest love a person can feel. I want nothing but the best for my baby, and I never want her to struggle like I have. Nor do I want her to ever have to endure what I’ve had to endure.

Just a few weeks old and I’m already planning out her schooling and path forward in life. She’s going to have a career she loves and she’s going to make enough to ensure that she’ll never go without. Enough, hopefully, to cater to her every whim and desire. More than anything, I want my baby to want for nothing. My only regret is that I can’t be the one to give her the life I want for her.

I know that Bri is right. It’s a given that the partners are going to find some way to force me out of my position and out of the firm entirely. I’m sure they all want to get a woman into my spot who’s more – pliable – with her morality and ethics than I am. I’m pretty certain that even if he’d been willing to stand up for me – which I really doubt – that even Preston would be overridden by the other partners, and I’d have to leave anyway.

Which means I need a plan.

“I’m really worried about you, hon,” she continues. “I mean, the bills are starting to pile up a bit.”

“I know and I’m sorry, Bri,” I say. “But I was barely making it as it was. To have my money cut down so much because of my maternity leave is putting me in a terrible position.”

“I know that,” she says gently. “And I’m not trying to be a bitch – I’m really not. I just can’t handle all of this on my own.”

I sigh, feeling my stomach start to churn. “I know, Bri. And I’m working on it. Please, believe me, I am.”

She nods. “I know you are. But I really think you need to touch base with Duncan, hon. You really need to tell him and start getting child support. I think it’ll help you out of this mess you’re in, Lex.”

“I know, I just – I’m afraid that with his –”

“That’s why I started contacting lawyers for you. People who specialize in this kind of thing,” she says, cutting me off. “I know how afraid of that you are, so I found some people I think can help you retain custody but start getting some child support for her.”

I’m not going to lie – having child support money coming in would be a godsend. Especially if the partners end up getting rid of me. Honestly, I really hadn’t thought about the cost of daycare, but now that Sabrina brought it up, I know she’s right. Daycare is expensive as hell and even back at my full salary at the firm, there is no way in hell I’d make it on my own.

I kick myself silently for not having thought about it sooner. How stupid can I be?

“I’ll call them,” I concede. “The lawyers.”

She nods. “That’s good. That’s a good first step,” she says. “The second step is telling Duncan that he’s a father.”

I laugh softly. “One thing at a time, huh?” I ask. “Let me get my ducks in a row with the lawyers first and then I’ll tell Duncan. I’d like to be on some sort of steady legal footing before I drop the bomb on him. I really don’t know what he’s going to do and that scares me.”

She nods again. “I understand that,” she tells me. “And you’re probably right. Better to take this one step at a time.”

“Definitely,” I reply. “I need to be able to think clearly and not overwhelm myself.”

“Fair enough.”

Aurora finishes feeding, so I give her a quick burping, then wrap her up in her blanket and lay her down on the couch. I feel like, in at least one way, I’ve been blessed. She’s a good baby. She doesn’t scream and cry all the time and generally seems pretty happy. She sleeps a lot, which is a good thing and doesn’t really fuss all that much.

I’ve heard so many horror stories about babies screaming, crying, and keeping parents up all night long, that I’ve honestly been expecting the worst. But Aurora has been amazing. Oh, she doesn’t sleep the whole night through, but she sleeps enough that I can usually get a decent amount of sleep. I’m not wandering around like a braindead zombie like I’ve seen some parents of newborns do.

“Do you have any sense of what Duncan’s going to say?” Bri asks. “I mean, what are his thoughts on children?”

I laugh ruefully. “I have no idea, Bri,” I shrug. “I mean, we spent one night together – part of one night, actually.”

“Yeah, but to hear you talk about it, you two shared an amazing connection.”

I nod. “It was an intense, solid connection,” I confirm. “I mean, I’ve never felt anything like it before and honestly, I can’t stop thinking about it. The night I ran into him on the street – the night Aurora was born – that connection felt every bit as strong and real as it did the night of the gala. But we never really got around to talking about our future and whether or not that future included kids.”

Sabrina nods, another expression of concern flitting across her face. I know she wants concrete answers and wants to know everything’s going to be okay. I know she needs the security of knowing I’m going to be able to pay my share of the rent next month and all. I get it. I really do. I’m just in a really screwed up position right now and can’t give her those assurances. I really have no idea what’s going to happen or what I’m going to do.

And that thought terrifies me far more than it terrifies Bri.

Yeah, the smart thing to do would be to tell Duncan sooner rather than later. It would be smart to tell him like, now, and get the child support payments coming in. But, as I look into my baby’s sweet little face, the fear of him taking her away from me is just too overwhelming. The idea of losing my precious baby is crippling me with fear.

Duncan is a good man. I believe that right down to my bones. On some levels, I don’t think he’d actually come after me to take Aurora away. On other levels though, I think he would also believe he alone could provide for Aurora better than me. That he could give her a better life and make sure she never went without for anything.

And he’s not wrong. I know that with Duncan in her life, Aurora would have her every wish and whim granted. She would want for nothing if Duncan takes her away from me. I know that Duncan would take very, very good care of our little girl – or, at least, his nannies, tutors, and house staff would. I assume he’s got house staff, anyway. Isn’t that a rich person thing?

Losing her isn’t something I think I can bear. Having her taken from me would rip a hole in my heart and soul that could never be filled. Even though she’s only been a part of my world for a few weeks, she’s a part of me. Aurora is already thoroughly intertwined with my heart and losing her would utterly shatter and destroy me.

“Am I being selfish, Bri?”

“What do you mean?”

I sigh, not wanting to admit the truth, but really feeling like I should. “Losing Aurora would rip my heart right out of my chest,” I tell her. “It would kill me.”

“I can understand that,” she says.

“But, am I being more concerned with my feelings than I am with giving her the best life possible?” I ask. “I mean, I know that in Duncan’s care – in the care of his family – that she’d want for absolutely nothing. She would have an amazing life of privilege that I can never dream of giving her. The kind of life I only wish I could give her. So, is it selfish to worry about my own feelings in all of this?”

She sighs and twirls her hair around her finger. “Maybe a little,” she says slowly. “But you can’t totally discount your feelings, hon. You’re Aurora’s mother –”

“And as her mother, I need to be more focused on giving her the best life possible, while not worrying about my own feelings.”

“That’s not exactly true. Your feelings play a part in all this. They have to. Just because you’re a mother now, that doesn’t mean you cease to exist or that your own feelings aren’t important anymore,” she says. “And believe it or not, there is a balance that can be struck between providing for your baby and caring for yourself too.”

“Yeah maybe. I don’t know where that balance is though,” I admit as I gaze into Aurora’s angelic face. “I can’t even provide for myself right now.”

“You know, in an ideal world, you and Duncan will come together and raise Aurora as one family,” she tells me. “And you never know – if that connection is as strong as you say it is, you might be surprised what happens when you tell him.”