Taut: The Ford Book

“Taut.” I say the word out loud as I scan the desert landscape.

“They’re short and simple. Not long and complicated and pretty, but very concise and controlled. And honest. I usually take lyrics to songs that I love, choose all the words in that song that stand out, then make up my own poem using those words. That’s how I like to write them. Every word is ordinary. But when I mix the words up and put them together in a new way, that’s what makes the difference. That’s what makes them special. It changes everything.”

I get off the freeway at the next exit, take the off-ramp over towards a truck stop, pull off on a dirt road, and stop the vehicle in the middle of the Nevada desert.

“What are you doing?” Ashleigh asks.

I pull the e-brake and turn to face her. “Listening.”

She stares at me, her eyes darting back and forth across my face. “Did he send you, Ford? Please. You can tell me if he did.”

“Who, Ashleigh? You’ve asked me that question three times now. Why the hell do you think someone sent me?”

“Why are you helping me?”

I throw up my hands and let out a long breath. “I don’t know. I was there. I was reeling from a volatile conversation with Rook back in Denver and I just… I don’t know. I just didn’t have it in me to be a dick, I guess. I was too wounded to put effort into getting rid of you, so I just…”

Her expression changes from interested to disappointed. I owe her more than this. If I want her to trust me, I owe her more that this lame shit.

“I wanted company. You needed help. It made me feel… wanted. You were hungry that morning at the hotel and when I said I’d take care of your car you looked so… relieved. And thankful. And then when I told you to put the baby in the van after things were settled and you didn’t question me, it felt good to be in control of two helpless people. It felt good to drive you to a house and get you inside. And buy things that you needed at the store. It felt good to take care of you.”

“But…” Her eyes are all watery now and I just know she’s gonna cry. I don’t want to make her cry. “But you could’ve just given me money and left me at the hotel. Why did you take me home with you? And don’t say they didn’t have rooms, there’s plenty of hotels in Vail and you can afford all of them. So why invest time in me?”

I look back at Kate and shrug. “It was strange to see you take care of her. Even though you had nothing, you gave her everything she needed. You are her whole world. She is your whole world. The two of you are a team. And I was missing my team. Ronin and Spencer and Rook are my team. I wanted—I want to be a part of your team.”

I release a long breath. I cannot f**king believe I just said that shit.

I turn away and look out the window.

Her words tumble out and when I turn back to her, she’s got her eyes closed.

“I feel the stress of an eager distance.

I clean the mess of a swelling indifference.

I raise the walls

And steal your love,

But it’s never enough

To meet my needs,

Or heal me from

The ruin of rest and decline,

Falling through the fault line.”

She opens her eyes and the tears are gathering. I swallow. “Who did you write that for?”

She sniffs, wipes her eyes, and then turns away. “My father,” she says. “He prefers dogs.”

Chapter Thirty-Five

I want more.

I want so much more.

I want Ashleigh, I want her baby, and I want a f**king house that is not filled with cold ultra-modern shit. Somewhere that isn’t the suburbs, but I’d make allowances if that’s what she wanted. I want dinner at a table with Kate in a high chair. I want Ash in my bed every night. I want to listen to her thoughts. I want to hear everything she has to say. I want her to write new poems, just so I can be the first one to read them and declare her brilliant. I might even want to get her pregnant. Make her tits and belly swollen with my child and then ravish Glowing Ashleigh until she begs me to leave her alone.

I want to keep her forever.

She turns back to me and Composed Ashleigh is in control. “We better get going, huh? You don’t want to miss your meeting.”

“Meeting?” The word barely registers.

“Yeah, you said you have an afternoon meeting and—”

“Right,” I say, releasing the brake. “I’m not sure I’ll make it, so there’s no rush.” I put the truck in gear and pull back onto the highway access road, then get back on the 15.

I am blown. I am destroyed. I am—

“Ford?”

I take a deep breath to calm myself. “Yes, Ashleigh.”

“Do you think I’m crazy?”

“What?”

“For coming all this way just to see him? For not letting go? You can tell me, I get it. It’s crazy. It’s stupid. It’s… it’s… bordering on delusional.”

“Delusional? Who said that?”

“My sister. She thinks she knows everything, but she’s just a bitch. She’s never had to deal with this type of situation. How would she know what’s normal and what’s not? I mean, I’m a psychologist. Maybe I don’t have the master’s degree and the license yet, so I’m not official, but I’m qualified in every other respect. I understand my reaction to this situation isn’t quite… textbook. But I figure, it’s my life, right? I’m allowed to live it the way I want. And if I need this last… whatever this is, then I’m not crazy. I just…” She trails off and does not pick it back up. I just glance over at her. I’m not sure what to say. She’s staring out the window, looking down, like she’s watching the road pass by.