Taut: The Ford Book

“Just what, Ash?”

She swallows and takes a deep breath. She’s been better about the crying since yesterday, but even this is a little warning bell telling me how fragile she is right now. She’s held off the tears for one day and to me this is an accomplishment. “I just need to tell him, Ford. I just need to tell him how much I love him and what life has been like for me since he’s been gone. And I do realize that I went about this the wrong way, I get that.”

I squint my eyes down as I try to make sense of this conversation. I’m not sure what she’s talking about now.

“I shouldn’t have called my sister from Japan, that was my first mistake. I should’ve known she’d never understand. And then when I saw him at the airport, I just sorta freaked out.”

“Wait, what? What are you talking about, Ashleigh?”

She looks over at me and shakes her head. “My road trip. Before you. I flew into LA and my sister had blabbed her mouth off, as usual, and my father sent a driver. I swear to God, I saw that sign that said Miss Li and I almost threw up. So I just walked past and got in a cab. He saw me of course, but what was he gonna do?” She shrugs. “Nothing, he could do nothing. And he was boxed in by other cars, so the cab just left, and I left, and…”

I wait, or at least I try to. “And then what, Ash? Then what happened?”

“I didn’t know where Tony was. I needed to ask someone where he was. And I knew his friend’s address in Texas. I made the cab drive in circles around the airport for about an hour, then I went back and got on another plane and went to Dallas. And they thought I was crazy too. I mean,” she huffs out a sad laugh. “Carting this new baby all over the f**king world just to have a final conversation. I get it, Ford. It’s crazy. But needing this… this crazy plan doesn’t make me crazy. Desperate, maybe. But not crazy.”

I let the silence grow as I try to understand what’s happening.

What is happening? This is some sort of confession, I think. But of what?

“Anyway.” She picks the conversation back up. “His friend told me where he was, and of course, it’s in LA, so then I needed to get back there. But I figured flying was a no-go. They already knew I went to Texas, I’m sure. That’s not hard to find out. So I took the last of my cash and bought that crap car and took the least likely route back to California.”

I laugh a little. “Well, I bet you certainly threw them off your trail with Colorado.”

She smiles and laughs a little with me.

“And then… I swear to God, I was sitting there on the side of the road and the tow truck guy pulls up and asks if I need help. I had no money. Like thirty bucks, maybe. It was pretty much over for me at that point. But he said no charge, just get in the truck. So I did.”

She looks over to me and smiles. “And he took me to you. We were getting off the freeway and that tow truck guy stopped to talk to you. And when he pulled away you know what he told me?”

“I’m almost afraid to ask.”

“He said, ‘That guy’s a f**king genius. He has all the answers.’ And do you know what I thought?”

“What?” I smile at her.

She smiles back. “I thought… I need that guy.”

A chill rockets through my body. I’m electrified by her words, by her admission, by her desire to have me. I look over at her and she’s gazing out the window again.

“I need those answers so bad, that’s what I thought. And then you appeared outside my car.”

“And then I invited you in, and kept you warm. And took you home, and bought you clothes, and played games with your mind when the last thing you needed was my f**king mind games. I’m sorry for that, Ashleigh.”

She looks back over at me and now she’s grinning. “I’m a Gamer, Ford. I like the games. I’ve gone easy on you”—I laugh out loud at this—“because you seemed a little lost too. But I don’t mind the mind-fuck. That’s part of my job, right? I’m a mind-unfucker.”

I bust out a guffaw. “Holy shit, you’re so… so… so perfect for me.” She takes a deep breath and I can feel the tension escape with the exhale. “Feel better? Got that shit off your chest?”

She nods, but she’s still looking out the window. “Yeah. But there’s more, Ford.” When she looks over at me the smile is gone.

“You can tell me, Ash. I’ll understand, no matter what it is.”

“I know you will. I know that.” She chews on her lower lip as she weighs her options.

“Is it a matter of trust? Or fear? You can keep it to yourself, too. If you want. I’m good with denial when it’s necessary.”

“OK,” she says in her Sweet Ashleigh voice. “I’m gonna hold the rest in for now. Just one more day, that’s all that’s left. In a few hours, all this uncertainty will be over.” She looks over at me again. “And that’s it. The end.”

“The end of who? Us? Or you and Tony?” This question makes her fight the tears again. I reach over and take her hand. “It’s OK, Ashleigh. You can keep that to yourself too.”

She fights the emotion and her face scrunches up as she swallows down the bad shit. “I need to for now. It’s so close, ya know. Why rush it?”

“God, that’s the truth.” I squeeze her hand again and she squeezes back this time. I’m not a hand-holder. I held her hand last night because that was her special request. But I’m not about to let go of her hand right now. This one’s for me. I want to keep a hold of her for as long as I can.