Taut: The Ford Book

“Tell me what you need him to know, Ash. He can hear you. Tell me everything you need him to know.”

“I have so much to say, Tony. I had so much trouble with the baby before she was born. I got sick at school and they took me to the hospital and wouldn’t let me go home. I missed your last call. They kept me there, in that stupid little hospital. And then Kate was sick when she was born and they kept me even longer. I didn’t even know you were dead. I didn’t even know you were dead. I went home and I played my messages on the machine and your last call came on and you talked about happy things. Our holiday time we were planning. You said I was probably out shopping for Kate spending all kinds of money. And it made all that crap they put me through with the birth worth it. And then… and then… the message ended and there were so many more messages. All hangups. Until I got to the last message. It was a buddy of yours saying they didn’t know how to find me and I needed to call them right away…”

She cries. She sobs. She loses it, just completely f**king loses it. And I let her.

What the f**k must that feel like?

I can’t even imagine. With all those hormones still in her system. All alone in a foreign country.

“I tried to come sooner,” Ash says, a little bit calmer now. “But I never got the paperwork done for the birth certificate and passport. I couldn’t even come home to see you. I had to call my sister and beg her to help me. Get Kate a passport. And I missed—”

She sobs again.

“I missed the funeral because no one knew where I was. And I called your parents and they—”

“They what? They what, Ashleigh?” This I need to know, because just what the f**k? What the f**k is wrong with these people?

“They refused to talk to me. They sent me a letter with twenty thousand dollars and said that’s all I was getting.” She huffs out a laugh and yells, “I’m Damian Li’s f**king daughter!” She lets out a sob and finishes less angry and more broken. “And they tried to buy me off with twenty thousand dollars.” She takes a minute to inhale a few hitched breathes, then calms herself back down. “And I had to cash it, Tony, I’m so, so sorry for cashing that check. But I needed to see you. I just wanted to say goodbye, that’s all.”

She takes one long deep breath and whispers, “I needed to come talk to you. I’m sorry I took that money.”

We lie there in the rain. Silent for several minutes. I know we should get up and go check on Kate, but I can’t. I refuse to deny Ash this last moment. She needs to come to terms with reality in her own time, in her own way. I refuse to rush her.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Ashleigh.” The words come out automatically, before I realize she’s not talking to me, she’s talking to Tony.

I’ve never said those words out loud to anyone. Ever. In my entire life. Not even my parents.

“I miss you so much.”

“I’m right here, Ashleigh.”

She breathes erratically for a moment and then settles down again. “I know, Ford. I know it’s you. I’m not crazy.”

I drag the hair away from her face and tuck the wet strands behind her ear. The rain is letting up now. We’ve managed to spend the entire storm lying on the grass in a cemetery. “Would you like to come home with me?”

She nods and holds in a sob. “Yes, please.”

“Do you have anything else to say? Before we go?”

She lifts her head up from my chest. Her sobs are soft now. Just remnants. She leans in and kisses me. First on one cheek, then on the other. And then she stops and cups her hands around my face. “Just… thank you. For believing in me and bringing me here, and helping me say goodbye.” She starts to cry again, her lower lip trembling so bad she has to bite it to try and maintain control. “I’m never gonna get over this pain, Ford. Ever. No one understands how special he was to me. No one understands that he was holding me together, all these years, since we were just kids. He always saw me, you know? He saw me when no one else did. And when I heard that message on the machine…”

She can’t finish.

And I’m not sure I want her to finish. I’m not sure I can handle the image of Ashleigh losing her mind, still hurting from childbirth, a new baby to take care of, and no friends or family there to help. It rips me apart to even start picturing this scene.

So I picture her happy instead. I stare at her swollen eyes and mud-stained face and picture her happy and fulfilled.

I sit up but I clutch her close to my chest, then stand and cradle her against me, like I’d carry Kate.

She hugs me tight and rests her head on my shoulder. She is so small. When I get to the Bronco I open the backseat and set her down on the bench. Kate has cried herself to sleep but her breathing is hitched from her hysterical wailing. Ashleigh rests her head against the baby and I buckle her in, then close the door and take a deep breath as I look around.

She was right. There is no way to fix this. That life she had is over and this is where it ends.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

I take the streets to get home. The 405 is a f**king parking lot from the rain. I cut up to Sunset, then catch Beverly Glen up to Bel Air. It takes us almost an hour to get there, but when I pull up to the gate all I feel is relief. I am so glad to be home.

I punch in the gate code and we climb the long and winding driveway up to the house. I park in the driveway and sit still for a moment, then look over my shoulder. The girls are sleeping, but they are both wrecked.