The Goodbye

“I want to know my daughter.” I wasn’t going to let her keep Franny from me. If she wasn’t happy with the man she saw, that wasn’t OK with me. I had a right to know my child. To be involved in her life.

Addy swung her gaze back to me. “Good. She wants to know her father.”

Eleven years ago

I knocked once on Addy’s door. Mom was passed out drunk, but I was still careful not to make enough noise to disturb her. I wanted her to remain passed out. Addy had stayed hidden in her room, like I told her to, all evening. We hadn’t even gotten to talk about the day. Plus, I just wanted to be near her. She was letting me hold her hand at school now, and last night, she’d let me hold her until she fell asleep. I wanted more of that.

The door opened slowly, and Addy gave me a shy smile before stepping back and letting me in. Being near her, knowing I could touch her, made me feel a little off balance. I wanted so much, but I didn’t want to scare her. I didn’t want to lose what I had been given. My heart always beat faster when she was near.

“I just finished my homework,” she said, walking over to the bed to put away her books.

Her blond hair fell over her shoulder. I wanted to play with her hair. Run my fingers through it and watch the way it looked sliding over my hand. “You don’t need help with anything?” I asked.

She set the books on the small table beside the bed and shook her head no. “Not tonight.” Then she sat down and patted the spot beside her. “You look ready to bolt. What’s wrong?”

Shit. I was messing it up because I couldn’t stay calm around her. My imagination was running wild. I had to control this. “I’m good. Just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to stay tonight or not.” God, let her say yes.

She grinned and ducked her head. “I always want you to stay,” she said softly.

My heart slammed against my ribs, and I took a deep breath. Calm. I had to stay fucking calm. I moved over to sit beside her. “So how was school today?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound as wound-up as I was.

She scooted closer to me, and her hand slipped over mine. “It was good. Same as every other day.”

I turned my hand over so that our palms were touching and threaded my fingers through her small ones. Even her pale skin against my tanned skin turned me on. This was going to kill me. I wanted so much of her, and I had to stop thinking about how soft and sweet the skin under her clothes would be.

“River,” she said, leaning closer toward me.

Breathe. I had to remember to breathe. “Yeah?”

“Why won’t you kiss me?”

I jerked my gaze to lock with hers. “What?”

Her cheeks turned a pretty pink. “Why won’t you kiss me?” she repeated. “I know you like kissing girls, but you haven’t kissed me.”

The crotch of my jeans got extremely tight as I looked down at her innocent, beautiful face asking me to kiss her. Like I was going to turn that down. I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop when it was time and not let my hands go places she wasn’t ready for.

“I was waiting until you were ready,” I told her honestly.

She licked her lips, and the tip of her tongue peeked out, taunting me. “I’m ready.”

This would be her first kiss and my last first kiss. Because once I did this, I’d never touch anyone else again. Just Addy.

Addy

So many times over the past ten years, I had imagined this day. When I would see River again and tell him why I ran away and tell him about Franny. Not once did it play out like this in my imagination. But then, all I’d had was the memory of River. I didn’t know Captain. The man he had become was someone I didn’t much care for.

But he wanted to be part of Franny’s life, and she deserved that. He wasn’t a bad man. He just wasn’t the guy I had known. Then again, I was no longer the girl he had loved. It was hard to face, but now that I had him here as River, not my boss Captain, I had to deal with it.

“Does she know that I’m her father? Or that her father is in this town?” he asked, watching me closely, as if he was trying to determine if I was lying.

I shook my head. “She has no idea. Like I said, I needed to see who you were now before I told her.” He didn’t like it when I said that. I could tell by the way his eyes tightened, but I wasn’t here to make friends with him. Franny came first. He needed to get that.

“When can we tell her?”

I liked that he said “we,” as if he was ready to take a real role in her life. However, I was used to being the only decision maker in her life, and a part of me wasn’t ready to share. “I can sit her down tonight, but I need to do that alone. Once she understands why I brought her here and wanted to wait to introduce her to you, then we can meet together. The three of us.”

He nodded. I was glad he didn’t argue.

We sat there in silence, not looking at each other. There was a gulf between us that I had never imagined would ever exist. He’d been my soul mate, my best friend, and I’d carried that memory of him with me all these years. It hurt simply because I knew I needed to let go of that.

Looking up from my hands, I asked him, “Why couldn’t I find you, and why did you change your name?” I’d told him everything, yet he had given me nothing.

“Dad divorced Mom when she was committed, and then he married Carlotta, the secretary. I ran. Left town and didn’t look back. Met a man who gave me a job and an escape. A way to deal with my demons.”

That was it? He wasn’t telling me anything more than that? “What did you do? Did you change your name because you ran?”