The Hardest Fall

“He doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. After everything we’ve been through—after everything I’ve been through, thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want a relationship with him.” I paused and looked up. “He wasn’t the main reason I wanted to come here in the first place, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“But you two have been talking this whole time. He was spending time with you.”

“Yes, but not really—”

“Does my mom know? Does she know about you? About everything after the adoption?” His voice rose as he sat up a little higher.

“No, not about me. I don’t mean to say anything bad about your mom, but from what I can tell, they were basically having an affair right in front of her. I have no idea what was going through her mind, but from what she—from what my mom told me, they stopped speaking after she learned about the affair, but she was completely on board with adopting you. Maybe she already knew about it and when the pregnancy came up, she jumped at the idea because she couldn’t have kids? I seriously have no idea, but I do know Mark told my mom they would be together eventually, said he’d leave his wife and they’d raise you together.”

I lifted my tense shoulders in a shrug and gazed outside.

After a short pause, I continued. “It sounds so stupid when you say it out loud, doesn’t it? After adopting you, why would he go back to her? I’ve learned firsthand how convincing he can be, so I get it to a degree, but at the same time, I don’t. Mom said he told her it wouldn’t be good for his career if he had a personal scandal like that, but I don’t think she was giving me everything. I still don’t understand how she could give you up like that.” I winced and averted my eyes. “I’m sorry, I’d rather not go into more detail because it wasn’t really fun hearing it the first time. Mom told me their marriage was just for show—I think your mom is his old coach’s daughter.” I huffed and leaned back. “She was just so in love with him, and so sure he was in love with her, I think she believed anything he said. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting all the blame on him. I hate that they were cheating on your mom and that’s how we came to be.”

“And you? How did you happen? How old are you?”

“Twenty-one. You’re only a year older,” I replied with a small, pathetic smile. “I was the mistake, you see—Mark’s mistake at least. Mark wanted my mom to have an abortion, gave her the money to do it, but I think that’s when she realized he was never going to leave his wife. Skipping out on the abortion, she moved away.” I let out a humorless laugh and raised my hands. “Obviously, since here I am. She got married to my dad, but I think she always held out hope that Mark would return to her. We didn’t have the best relationship in the world, so I think I’m just a big fuck you to Mark, if that makes any sense.”

We fell silent for a few beats.

“I thought Mark didn’t know about me—that’s what he said in the beginning, and that’s what my mom said. Turns out he did, and I just learned about the abortion part. I guess he didn’t know she hadn’t gotten rid of me.”

When the silence grew uncomfortable and Chris just kept gazing outside with his jaw ticking, I looked down at my hands and swallowed thickly before speaking again.

“I feel so selfish right now.” I looked up to find his eyes on me, so I looked away. “Like I said, this wasn’t how I wanted to tell you.”

“What was the plan?”

“The plan? I don’t think there was ever a plan. That first year I came, he told me he’d like to have some alone time with me, get to know me before he introduced us. He was also worried about how his wife—your mom—would react…to me, to you learning about it all. I thought that was a good idea, to learn more about you and him before, you know…this happened, but then a year passed and he wanted more time because it was important that you focus on your football career, and I said okay because I didn’t know how I’d do it without him. Then this year was your last year and it was even more important for you to focus on football, but then last week everything kind of went to hell and I just wanted to get it over with.” I paused to take a breath. “I completely understand if you don’t want…actually, I won’t understand if you don’t want anything to do with me, but it’s not like I’m going to beg you to have a relationship with me. Mom died, and I was so angry at her because that was soon after I learned that my dad wasn’t my biological dad. All I have is my dad. Neither he nor my mom had any other close family, so it’s just the two of us. I thought I could have more. I thought I’d love to have a brother, to get to know you.”

Chris released a long-suffering sigh and smoothed his hair back with both hands. His jaw was still ticking away and his face looked tight, like he was barely holding it all together. The conversation itself hadn’t been as awkward as I’d thought it would be, but our reaction to each other was. Whenever our eyes met, one of us looked away. I didn’t know what else to say, or what he’d want to hear.

“This is all too fucking much.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, meaning it.

“It’s not your fault,” he countered, surprising me. He shook his head as if he was trying to wake up from a nightmare. “He should’ve been the one to tell me, and not now. The time to tell me was when he learned about you, and my mom…she won’t handle this well. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’d be the best idea to tell her I know everything, and definitely not a good idea to let her know Dad kept sleeping with your…ah…your mom. She has her issues, and this would be too much for her.”

“Not my decision, and really, I just wanted to meet you. I just wanted to tell you I existed. I didn’t come here to mess with your family.” I gave him a shy smile and pulled my hands down to my lap. “Just wanted to meet you, that’s all.”

He cleared his throat and looked away. My stomach dropped. Maybe he wouldn’t want anything to do with me either. I knew that was a possibility, but after the week from hell, I hadn’t had much time to think it over, to think about what it would mean if he never wanted to see me again.

“That apartment I came to, that’s Dad’s, isn’t it?”

Licking my lips, I nodded.

Slowly, his brows drew together. “Dylan? Fuck, does Dylan know about all this? He was living there…how did he—”

“No, he doesn’t. Your dad gave Dylan the apartment keys only because he thought I was moving in with my friend, but it didn’t happen and he didn’t know. Then Dylan came and…it doesn’t matter. He had no idea, and he still doesn’t know. He thinks I’m sleeping with Mark, and Mark wouldn’t even let me tell… I couldn’t even—” All of a sudden, my voice broke and I couldn’t go on.

Dylan, I thought. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan…

Ever since he’d walked out of that apartment, something heavy had settled on my chest, like heartburn but worse, because no amount of apple cider vinegar or lemon juice or baking soda would fix it. My heart was broken, and I was so angry, so damn angry—at myself, at Mark, at my mom…at anything and everything.

So, when Chris asked for more information, I told him everything that had happened the last few weeks, how I’d argued with Mark about telling Dylan, and then everything that had happened back at the apartment that night, how Dylan had left thinking he was correct in his assumptions.