The Hardest Fall

I wasn’t surprised when tears started to race down my cheeks as I was went through the stories. It felt like my entire heart was full of tears, and I felt alone. Without him, I felt so alone. I didn’t see him in the mornings. I didn’t get to (not so) secretly watch him work out. I didn’t see him in the evenings. I couldn’t watch him when he was working on a paper, focusing all his attention on his work. He worked hard, and he looked sexy while doing it. I didn’t get to see his smile, the way he looked at me, the way he smiled at me, just for me. I didn’t get to see his face that first moment when he walked in after a long day of training and saw me sitting on the floor, retouching photos, didn’t get to see how happy he looked to find me there. I didn’t get to feel his arms around me, crushing me. I didn’t get to hear his voice, nor did I get to eat pizza with him or watch a movie and fall asleep on him, with him.

I wiped off my tears, my face flushing when our waitress handed me more napkins to clean myself up and asked if she could help with anything. Chris thanked her for me then asked for coffee for himself and tea for me.

When I was no longer a blubbering mess, I apologized to Chris.

“He hit you?” he asked, his tone neutral.

I held the warm mug and acted as nonchalant as possible. “It’s fine.” I didn’t tell him that neither my dad nor my mom had ever hit me.

Two hours had passed, and I was drained—drained of words and tears, of energy and emotions.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Zoe…I have no fucking idea how I’m gonna deal with all this.”

“Can I just ask for one thing?”

“Sure.”

“You have one more game, December 26th, right?”

“Yeah, the Cactus Bowl.”

“Can you not tell Mark, or let him know that you know until after it happens? I don’t want him to take it out on Dylan. I wanted to tell you because I was done waiting, and it’s not like he is going to do anything to mess with your future even if—when he learns about this. I’m not even sure if he can do anything to mess anything up for Dylan, but I just don’t want to be the reason for—”

“I can’t promise you that.”

I met his eyes and nodded. That was understandable, but I didn’t think he’d throw his friend under the bus.

The silence after that stretched into minutes and we both sat there, not speaking to each other, just sipping tea and coffee every now and then. When his phone started going off in his pocket, he took it out and shot me a quick look before answering.

“Dad.”

I stiffened.

“Yeah. I’ll be there.”

Just like that, their conversation was over.

“I need to leave,” he explained.

“All right. Thank you for listening to me. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, but I hope you don’t think the worst of me. I just couldn’t wait any longer and as soon as I can—after the game, that is—I want to talk to Dylan and explain things. He blocked me so I can’t reach him, but I’m going to talk to him somehow. I thought you needed to know before him.”

After that, we had officially reached awkwardland. He insisted on paying the bill then offered to drop me off wherever I needed to go. I told him it wasn’t necessary then we just stood in front of his car. Neither one of us knew what should come next.

“I can give you my number,” I offered, a little hesitantly. “You don’t have to call me or anything if you don’t want to, but if you do end up wanting to talk again…about other things…or anything…”

“Yeah, sure.”

His response didn’t sound promising, but I’d take what I could. After all, I already knew we wouldn’t be besties right off the bat, or maybe ever, really.

After he got in his car and left, I stood at the corner and called Jared.

“Did you talk to him? How did it go?” was the first thing out of his mouth as he answered.

“I did, and I’m not sure. At least he listened. We talked for a couple hours and now it’s up to him.”

“How do you feel? It finally happened, Zoe. I can’t believe you talked to your brother.”

I felt like something was missing, but I didn’t tell Jared that. I assumed I’d feel like something was missing for a while longer. Instead, I told him it had felt invigorating, and I was happy no matter happened next, which was true to some extent.

“Are you coming back here now? Mom made spaghetti and I saved some for you. She has the night shift at the hospital again and Becky is already in bed, so we can talk all night if you want.”

My eyes filling with tears, I sniffled into the phone. “Thank you for letting me stay this last week, Jared. I don’t even know how to thank your mom, and I just—”

“Oh, come on, sweetheart, don’t tell me you’re crying. You’ve thanked us a thousand times already. Becky loves you, and you’ve been babysitting and playing with her, so trust me, my mom is the one who is thankful to have you around. Did your big, bad brother break my best friend? If he did, I’m gonna kick his ass tomorrow. Just say the word—though I won’t touch his face because you guys have some excellent DNA.”

My lips stretched into a smile and it felt weird, as if I hadn’t laughed or smiled for days.

“I’m not crying, just a little emotional. I think I’m gonna walk back so I can get it together—a little fresh air should help. I feel a little weird after finally telling him everything, and I think I’ll grab some pizza on the way if that’s okay with you. I’m sorry, but your mom’s cooking…”

Jared laughed, and the sound made my lips tip up even more.

“Get two,” he ordered. “I’m starving.”

“On it.”

I started walking with the phone glued to my ear.

“I’m thinking we should get drunk and celebrate tonight. What do you think?”

“Celebrate what?”

“We survived finals—what more do you need as an excuse to get drunk? Also, you talked to your brother, and I’d say that’s a good reason, too. We’ll get drunk and talk boys.”

“My favorite pastime,” I muttered. “I can talk about your boys though. That should be fun.”

“We’ll talk about Dylan.”

I sighed and pushed my free hand into my jacket pocket. It wasn’t cold, but every time I thought about Dylan, a little shiver worked its way through my body and my heart gave an extra little kick.

“I do like talking about Dylan,” I admitted.

“I know you do. We’ll talk about how fine he is and what fine friends he has that you’re obligated to introduce me to once you two kiss and make up, and then…”

I have no idea how long the walk back lasted, but I did it with my best friend’s voice in my ear, and I was finally breathing a little easier.

The feeling only lasted a few hours, until I got in my makeshift bed in Jared’s room and dreamed about Dylan.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Zoe

January 1st

Chris: Did you talk to Dylan?

Zoe: No, he blocked me. Why? Did he say something? Did you say something?

It had been a little over two weeks since I’d told Chris the truth, and while you couldn’t exactly say he was treating me like his long-lost sibling, he hadn’t completely ignored me either.