The Impact of You(31)
Author: Kendall Ryan

I can’t change my past. And as much as I wish I could, I can’t track down every person who downloaded that degrading photo collage. The only thing I can control is what I do next.

Realizing it’s time to deal with my identity issues and face my past once and for all, I open my laptop and log into my email account. I debate over creating a generic email address that can’t be linked to me, but in the end, I want my birthmom to know my name, to know who I am.

I type what I had intended to be a brief message, but it turns out when you’re emailing your mom for the first time, there’s a lot to say. I tell her about my dads, how I had a great childhood, and that I am in college now. I tell her about my roommate and our crazy g*y friend, Noah, who likes to borrow our clothes. I spill my heart out in my note, hoping she’ll laugh when she reads it and understand that I am a normal, happy girl. Or heck, maybe I’m just trying to prove to myself that I really am; either way, I hit send before I change my mind and delete it all.

Madison returns from class a short time later, dropping her bag to the floor and turning to face me with a concerned expression. “Hey…How are you?” The sympathy in her eyes is new.

“Um, fine I guess.”

She crosses the room and hugs me, pulling me firmly into her arms. Uh-oh. Madison is not a hugger.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, wrapping one arm awkwardly around her back.

“We need to talk.” She pulls back suddenly, her hands resting against my shoulders. “Jase stopped me after class today.”

Oh.

Crap.

“And?”

“And he told me. Everything.”

My heart sinks.

Madison continues, “At first he was coy, asking me about your dating background, your experience with guys.” She let out a nervous chuckle. “I basically told him you wouldn’t know what to do if a c**k slapped you upside the head. But he informed me I was wrong. At first, I was proud, but then he explained about the pictures your ex used to exploit you, and I’m so sorry, Avery, I had no idea. Now I feel terrible that I always tried to get you to break out of your shell. I thought you were just a little shy – not scarred from a traumatic event.”

“It’s okay, Madison. I just don’t really tell people about it. But I am okay.”

“Really?” Her brow wrinkles in concern.

I shrug. “I’m trying to deal. It’s not like I have a choice. And I don’t want to hide under a rock anymore.”

Her smile grows, pushing her mouth upwards. “Good, hun. That’s good.” She gives my hand a squeeze “I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Mads.” I shouldn’t care, but I do, and I can’t resist probing for information on Jase. “So what was Jase’s mood like?”

Madison’s smile falls. “He seemed sad, worried about you, but mostly sad. He wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what this means, or how to process this information. It isn’t like he calls me anymore, or even sits near me in our shared class. I can’t control Jase’s response to learning about my past. The only things I can do is move forward, and pray that everything works out like it’s supposed to.

Chapter 23

Jase

Removing Stacia from my bed and my life again is a bigger pain in the ass than I was expecting. We’re not dating and we’re not together, but she seems to have blocked out that information. Ever since the drunken night where we messed around and passed out in my bed, she’s been coming over every day. Today, I’ve got to put an end to that. Even if I wasn’t still plagued by memories of Avery, I know I don’t want Stacia.

When Stacia arrives, I make sure I’m waiting for her downstairs. I don’t want her getting cozy up in my room.

She’s all smiles when she comes in and tosses her purse on the couch.

“We need to talk,” I say.

Her face falls and she tenses up.

She can tell by my stiff posture things aren’t going to go her way. “Sorry Stacia, I’m just not feeling it,” I mutter, rubbing a hand over the back of my neck.

“You seemed to be feeling it just fine when you were in my mouth last weekend.”

Christ.

She snatches the purse she’s just deposited on the couch. “You know what, Jase? Don’t waste your breath. I’m done with your shit.”

“I’m sorry, okay?”

She rolls her eyes and stomps to the door, which I pull open for her. “I’ve been sleeping with Trey anyway,” she adds before slamming the door in my face.

Nice.

I turn the lock on the door as if to prove a point. Stacia is done invading my life. That chapter is closed. As for Avery…I’m not sure yet.

Chapter 24

Avery

“Enough moping,” Madison says, snatching the dirty romance novel from my hands. “Come on, you’re coming out with me and Noah.”

“But I was at the part where he spanks her for the first time…” Wow. I can’t believe I just said that. I also can’t believe I’m reading the book that Madison shoved into my hands after finishing it in one day. But she’s right, it is addicting.

“Told ya you’d love the smut. But you can read it later. We’re going bowling.”

I don’t want to give up the progress I’ve made, so I get dressed, add makeup and let Madison straighten my long, crazy hair. The girl in the mirror looks different, but she’s still me. Maybe even a better version of me. No longer terrified of being discovered, because the worst of that has happened – a guy I was falling for found out in the most spectacular fashion and hasn’t spoken to me since – and it can’t get much worse than that. So I’m done hiding in the dorms while my friends go out on the weekends. Maybe if I pretend I’m normal and not destroyed by Jase’ rejection, things will fall into place. Fake it till you make it. Right?

With the truth out in the world, I should feel freer. But the effect is more like a great burden. It’s no longer necessary to hide. I feel worse than ever. I should’ve had the guts to tell Jase. He was a big part of my healing, and he opened himself up a lot along the way, too. By keeping it from him, I cheapened the entire experience. If he is done with me, I at least want to keep our memories, but now they are soured with my own guilt and self-loathing.

When we reach the bowling alley, all promises of a low key evening go up in smoke. Delta Sig has rented out half the place for a private party. You have got to be kidding me. I pause at the entrance and Madison looks past me to the group of obnoxiously drunk guys taking up half the bowling alley.