The Rest of Us Just Live Here (Page 69)
“Maybe.”
“Well, I don’t need to. As long as you do, it’s an important thing to talk about.”
“Jared said we can’t all be the Chosen One. In fact, hardly any of us can.”
“Jared is still your best friend?”
“You’ve got a good memory.”
“I take good notes.”
“Yeah, my best friend. He looks after me. He saves me from these loops sometimes. He’s more than my best friend, really.”
“You love him.”
“Yeah, but not like that, I don’t think. He’s gay, but it’s different. It’s like he’s my family, except better, because I’ve chosen him.”
“I understand. He’s important for your feeling of safety in the world.”
“Well, yeah. And I … I don’t know what I’m going to do when everything changes.”
“Graduating, you mean?”
“And going off to college. It’s not just Jared. Mel’s going across the country, we’re leaving Meredith on her own…”
“These are normal fears. It would be unusual if you didn’t feel them.”
“Yeah, but…”
“…but?”
“I don’t know if I’m going to make it.”
“Make it how? Michael?”
“You’re the only person who calls me Michael.”
“Make it how?”
“…Um.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not, though.”
“I mean, you’re safe here. If you need to cry, you can.”
“It’s not okay.”
“How is it not?”
“…They don’t need me.”
“Not like you need them.”
“No. Jared said he thought I always made myself the least-wanted person in the group, but he told me that wasn’t true.”
“You didn’t believe him.”
“If you have to have someone tell it to you, how can it be true? How can you not just be the damaged one who needs reassurance all the time?”
“Don’t we all need reassurance? Aren’t we all damaged in some way?”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me. I want to.”
“Look, it’s… They’ve all got other lives. Jared’s got all this family stuff, Mel’s dating a doctor, Henna’s going to Africa. And what do I have? I have them. I don’t have anything else.”
“And that makes you feel like you matter the least.”
“Yeah. And I’m in these loops and I’m trapped and I can feel that I’m trapped and getting out of them is as simple as just doing something else. Anything. But it’s getting harder and harder to get out of them myself and what if I go away and start a new life and I get trapped in one and I can’t get out of it?”
“Okay, what if that does happen?”
“…”
“Michael?”
“…I can’t say it. It’s embarrassing.”
“I am impossible to embarrass.”
“…”
“Tell me, Michael. What if you get trapped in a loop and can’t get out?”
“…I’ll kill myself.”
“That’s a very final choice.”
“It’s better than being afraid forever. It’s better than always being afraid.”
“Those are the only alternatives? Being afraid or being gone?”
“That’s what it feels like. And I don’t know what to do.”
“About what?”
“About everything.”
“Isn’t that the problem, though? Isn’t that what’s causing the fear? Why do you have to solve everything? Why can’t you just solve today?”
“I can’t even do that!”
“You can and you have. You’re facing one of the biggest life changes anyone ever has to face: leaving school and going out on your own. Yet you’ve survived a car accident that you might not have and helped your badly hurt friend. You suffered a traumatic event at that concert, but look how you acted in saving your little sister.”