Third Debt (Indebted #4)(52)
Author: Pepper Winters

We sat in silence.

I digested everything he said, slowly piecing together what I knew about him: how he reacted in situations. How cold he was when he first came for me. He was the perfect image of Cut when he collected me—because that was all the influence he had.

Then I came along and made him feel. Made him live my fear, my lust, my never-ending fight.

It’s true. I did break him.

Jethro muttered, “Whenever I told you to be quiet. Whenever I couldn’t handle it and snapped—it wasn’t your voice I was trying to hush but your emotions. You’re the worst of them, Nila. You project everything you feel. You’re like a damn kaleidoscope with the range of emotions you go through. Falling for you, sleeping with you… Fuck, it was all I could do to stay standing and not cripple beneath the weight of it.”

Tears shot to my eyes. I hated that I’d hurt him. Unintentional or deliberate. How did I miss the warning signs? How did I not see the changes in him—the anger hiding pain and the commands cloaking calls for help?

I pictured Jethro as a young boy going through so much trauma. Of being poked and prodded and called insane. It physically hurt to think about what he’d gone through—surviving a family such as his.

I touched his hand. “Are you sure the doctors got it right? That they diagnosed it correctly and there’s nothing they can do?”

Surely, there must be a cure?

Jethro snorted. “Do you want the hallmark characteristics? Okay, here we go: One, Empaths feel more deeply. Two, we’re emotionally reactive and less able to intellectualize feelings. Three, we need down-time away from everyone if we’re to survive living with others. Four, it takes us longer to make a decision because we’re bombarded with so many scenarios every time we try to decide. Five, I’m more prone to anxiety or depression. Six, I can’t for the life of me watch a horror movie. I relate too much to the character about to die. Kes made me watch one when I was ten. I had to be drugged for two nights just to calm me down.”

He looked away, laughing darkly. “Seven, we cry more easily—it’s the only way we can purge. Eight, we have better manners when we’re in control of ourselves. More cordial to fight the chaos we’re feeling inside. Nine, every criticism slices through my heart until I feel as if I’ll fucking die. Needing my father’s approval is more than a stupid boyhood wish but a goal that rides me into an early grave. Ten, we look for ways to hide. We become chameleons by adopting the habits of those strongest emotionally. And finally eleven, we’re highly intuitive.”

He dwindled off, twisting the sheets. “Does any of that sound familiar?”

Pieces slotted into place, all making perfect sense now I knew.

Jethro was explosive because he felt everything so much more. He rode Wings a lot to outrun the emotional upheaval forced on him by living with men like Cut and Daniel. He kept switching alliances between his father and me, unable to make a decision when faced with two personalities. He turned inward and festered when everything became too much. He shut down when he’d reached his limit and was so damn cold when we first met as it was the only way he could survive.

“The tablets, they were to—”

“Block the over-sensory perception. To numb me.” He fisted the duvet. “They worked while you weren’t here. In fact, they were the first thing in my life that actually gave me silence.” He smirked. “But then you came back with your screaming feelings and battering ram of ideals and tore that apart.”

My heart beat faster. “So when we slept together at the polo match…when I asked if you knew what I was feeling…”

He sighed. “I told you the truth. I knew. I felt your need, your sadness, your confusion. You’d fallen for me, but you weren’t happy about it. I bore your worry as if it were my own, but I also basked in the love you had.”

Leaning forward, he cupped my cheek. “I’d never felt so much emotion from anyone. You selflessly gave me something warm and safe and so fucking delicious to hide in. There were no conditions or commands—you were fully open, letting me inside.”

His eyes darkened. “It killed me to think you were still unsure. That you could feel such a way but not want it.”

I leaned into his palm. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. I’ve had this curse all my life.” He gathered me close, nuzzling into me. “I’ve never let myself give in. But before, when I slid inside you, I stopped fighting. I did what Jasmine told me to do. I let myself drown in what you feel for me. And fuck, it was the best thing I’ve ever felt.”

My heart cast into a never-ceasing knot. “And Jasmine told you to do that?”

He dropped his gaze. “Jaz has been researching my condition ever since I was diagnosed. She read somewhere that Empaths who remain single and cloistered from society don’t have long life expectancies. Others slowly chip us away, until one day, it’s too much. I swore to her that I would never find love. That the agony I had from loving her as my sister was enough to swear me off ever marrying. But she showed me another article about Empaths who do find their perfect others. They live longer than most because they no longer have to fight on their own.”

His hand never stopped stroking, his body tense but happy.

I asked, “What does that mean?”

His eyes became hazy, dreamy. “It means we rely on the person we love to love us so much in return that we can forever hide in their adoration and acceptance. Knowing there’s a well of immeasurable affection helps heal us if we encounter a mourning mother or psychotic serial killer. We can stay level—or at least better than we would if we’re alone.”

“So when Jasmine yelled at me for hurting you and cursed herself for destroying you—that’s what she meant?”

His forehead furrowed. “When did you see Jasmine?”

Whoops.

“Doesn’t matter. Is that what she meant?”

Jethro scowled but nodded. “Exactly. She pushed me into making you fall for me. In fact, just before the polo match, she told me to stop fighting and make you love me. To forget about the debts and inheritances and find something far more precious.”

I couldn’t speak.

“She told me to find my cure in you, Nila. She saw what I couldn’t. She hoped for something I never dared dream of. She taught me that love can be the cruellest force imaginable, but it also heals.”

He pressed a kiss reverently on my lips. “I’m done fighting. You’re mine and I’m yours, and now you know everything there is to know about me. Now you know I’m broken and can never be cured. Now you know why I am the way I am.”

IT WAS DONE.

Out in the open.

My disease verbalized and acknowledged.

And she hadn’t run.

She hadn’t looked at me with pity or disgust. She’d accepted it and loved me even more.

Her emotions came in crashes, echoing in my soul. By being honest, I’d given her answers. And with answers came freedom to give in and trip from new love into forever love.

I wanted to crush her to me and never let go. I wanted to get on my fucking knees and thank her for the rest of my days for being brave enough to accept me.

Life together hadn’t been smooth. Our past was full of debts and degradation. Our future—if we even had a future—would be full of miscommunication and misunderstanding.

I’m not an easy person to love.

I knew that. Kestrel knew that. Jasmine knew that. There were times when I was too much. When their good intentions just weren’t enough and I’d have to leave to regroup on my own.

I could never hate them for that—for needing timeout from dealing with a fucked-up brother. But Nila…she would be drained of everything. I would take and take and take until that blistering, joyous love would turn to putrid ash.

Can I do that to her?

Could I suck her dry and hope to God she was strong enough to save us both?

Do I have any right to expect her to?

No. I had no right at all.

I should ship her overseas and kill my father to end this entire fucking mess. But now that I had her…how could I ever let her go?

Nila hadn’t moved or spoken, her eyes full of thoughts.

I murmured, “The day Kestrel gave you Moth, I very nearly broke. I came to your room that night. I sat outside for hours, trying to get myself together so you wouldn’t see how much it fucking hurt that he’d given her to you.”

Nila sucked in a gasp. “He told me it was your idea. That you wanted to give her to me the day after the Second Debt.”

I flinched. It sounded like I’d hoped to buy her forgiveness for the ducking stool by gifting her a horse. “It wasn’t like that. I only wanted you to have something you’d never had before.” I would’ve stopped normally, censored my thoughts and deleted things that would show the truth, but now…I had more to say. There was so much more, and for the first time, I was able to speak openly.

Pushing the food tray further down the bed, I reclined against the pillows and pulled Nila beside me. We lay down, legs entwined, arms around each other.

For an extraordinary second, I held her and drank in her thoughts. To have no barriers between us—no lies or deceptions—it’s more than words can say.