Third Debt (Indebted #4)(53)
Author: Pepper Winters

“That moment in the horse float, heading to polo, I knew how you felt about her. The softening in your soul, the desire to own another’s life, to have something reliant on you—all flowed in a wash of desire.” Inhaling the floral scents of her hair, I whispered, “You fell in love with her a lot faster than you fell for me.”

Nila snuggled closer, squeezing me tight. “All this time you knew how I was feeling?”

Does that hurt you? To know I felt what you did, heard your panic, lived through your agony? Did that make me a terrible person to be able to withstand, not only doing awful things to her, but receiving the consequences of my actions through her, too?

I nodded. “Every debt. Every argument. I felt you.”

She stayed silent; a wave of unfairness flowed from her. I didn’t want her feeling as if I used her—that I’d eavesdropped on her emotions.

I said quietly, “That’s why Cut hates you. He can see the power you have over me—a power that I’ve been taught to hide my entire life.”

Nila went still. “It’s not only Cut who has a power over you. Jasmine does…and Kestrel.”

My muscles locked, but I forced myself to relax. I’d committed to being open. I would continue to keep my promise. “Yes, Jasmine has the same condition as me but not nearly as bad. There are different levels of HSP. I’m on the unusual end of the scale where I’m borderline sixth sense—if the doctors believed in that phenomenon, of course. I’m highly empathetic, to the point where I’ll grow sick when others are ill. My heart rhythm becomes irregular if the stress of the person I’m with goes past my realm of capabilities.”

Nila twisted in my arms. “Oh, my God. The springs.” Her mouth popped wide. “Your heart was irregular then. I thought you were ill…” She dropped her eyes. “Actually, I didn’t think that. I thought you were…”

“What? Tell me.”

Her black gaze swooped upward, capturing me completely. “Lost. I thought your rhythm was lost.”

I swallowed hard. “Perhaps you’re an HSP yourself. Not many people notice my moods or complexities—unless I get terribly bad. Over the years, I’ve been able to hide it better. From the ages of nineteen to twenty-six, I was pretty perfect. Apart from a few episodes from my father’s temper on a deal gone south or my little brother’s arrogant lunacy, I managed to keep their thoughts from creeping too much into mine.”

Nila smiled almost smugly. “But not me.”

I kissed her, slinking my tongue into her mouth. Taking my time, I tasted her as if this was the first time I’d kissed her. And it was in a way. The first time I’d let myself be so open and honest.

I was a changed man.

A totally different person.

“I couldn’t withstand you.” I licked her softly.

I couldn’t stop touching her. Couldn’t stop the need to be close.

Perhaps, I can show her exactly what this means? What I truly need from her?

She broke the kiss. “How does Kes have a power over you?”

My gut churned to think of Kes with Nila last night. But I also couldn’t deny it was my idea—my choice. He’d only obeyed and done the best he could. I’d forgive him…in time.

I sighed, thinking how selfless my brother truly was. How helpful and kind he’d been ever since he’d come to bust me out of the mental hospital. It’d been the third I’d visited all before I hit fifteen. He’d only been twelve, but he’d packed a bag and run away from Hawksridge. He hitchhiked across town and sneaked through the compound to get me.

Needless to say, we never managed to get free. The doctors found us and sent him home, but our bond was forged that night and nothing—no anvil, blade, or threat—could sever it.

“Kes is special.” I shrugged. “While I was going off the rails crying over things I couldn’t control and wanting to murder people for no apparent reason, he learned how to control his inner thoughts around me. He mastered the art of blocking his every whim, desire, and impression until I could hang around him and have my own thoughts for once. I became addicted to his emptiness and silence. The doctors said he acted like a shield for me. That as long as we stayed close, he helped me cope.”

Nila never took her gaze from mine, her body taut with understanding. “I always wondered why Kes was able to touch you when you were about to lose it. I expected you to hit him, but you never shrugged him off. You always seemed to…relax.”

I nodded. “That’s because I did relax. Kes manipulates me in a way, but I let him because it’s the only reprieve I get.”

“And Jasmine?” Her voice lowered. Her eyes dropped from mine, filling with nerves. I knew then what she wanted to ask. It was a question I wasn’t ready for. I would never be prepared to speak of what happened to my sister that night.

Pressing a finger over her mouth, I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about Jaz. Not yet.”

She frowned. “I can accept that.” Clouds formed over our idyllic oasis; I tensed against the next question forming in her thoughts.

I groaned, wishing I didn’t have to answer but knowing I had to. “You want to know why I put you through what I did last night, don’t you?”

She stiffened. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you knowing what I’m about to say. But yes…I would.”

Every second that ticked past, she rebuffed me a little more, remembering the way I’d shut off and abandoned her last night. But I’d never abandoned her. I left her to play a part in an orchestra that hadn’t finished playing yet.

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me.”

I stared at the ceiling, holding her tight. “You knew you were being recorded last night.” It wasn’t a question.

She shifted in my embrace. “Yes. I know Kes wanted me to act hurt and terrified.”

My fists curled, recalling what Kes had done against my wishes. I couldn’t begrudge either Nila or my brother for finding a small measure of pleasure, but it didn’t mean I would ever get over it. It would take time to live with it but forever to forget it.

“There are other recordings, Nila.”

She bit her lip, sadness coming thick and heavy. “I know. I guessed you’d have videos of my mother and her payments of the debts.”

“I asked Kestrel to do what he did to give the drugs long enough to knock Cut and Daniel out.”

“What?”

“You and Kes were the performance, while I created a bigger show.” My heart bucked, knowing she’d hate me for what I’d done. She’d have to come to terms with it, because it’d been the only way I could think of to keep Cut’s suspicions down, prevent her from being raped, and live to see another day to find another solution.

“Do you trust me?” I murmured.

She tensed. For a moment, her emotions screamed ‘no.’ Then she relaxed, letting love replace her resentment. “Yes.”

My heart swelled; I ached to kiss her again—to prove her trust would never be squandered or broken. “I know what I’m doing. Just leave it with me.”

It took a minute, but she finally melted against me, pressing her mouth against my chest. “Okay…”

Okay…

Such sweet permission. Such ardent concession.

I’d never been so weightless and free. It was a damn novelty to let down my bomb-battered walls and truly give myself over to her. I didn’t tense or hide in ice—I permitted myself to feel everything she did. To sense how much she wanted to save me. How much she wanted to keep me. How much she needed to understand me.

I even acknowledged the parts she tried to keep secret—the things she would never say aloud but I knew anyway.

She wanted me to choose her over everyone.

Over Jasmine.

My inheritance.

My world.

She wanted it so fiercely, it throbbed with every beat of her heart.

She was afraid I would cut her out again. Afraid I would ask more heinous things of her. Terrified that I’d once again put up my walls, sink back into snow, and fall under my father’s command.

Once upon a time, I would’ve. I would’ve reverted to what I knew because I’d been too chicken shit to believe I could be better.

But not this time.

Coming apart before her had changed me irrevocably. I hadn’t wanted to break. I’d tried to keep it together. But the moment she told me to leave; the second she said the part of her that loved me was dying—I’d felt it.

I’d felt the ember of affection flickering its last breath. She told the truth. I tasted the end. And I shattered to have something so pure taken from me.

I knew what it was like to live alone. I knew what it was like to live with her loving me.

There was no comparison, no choice.

Not now.

And the honest to God truth was, she didn’t need to worry. I would never hurt her again. I would spend the rest of my life ensuring I protected her like the fucking goddess she was. I would dedicate my days building a fortress, a shrine, an entire world for her, and it would all pale in relation to what she’d given me.

She was my number one.

Over everyone.

Even myself.